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Lulu

Lost my soulmate

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Lulu   

Yes, we'll survive. But is that enough? I'm not sure it is anymore. I keep going but I can't stop wishing she was here. Just a smile and a giggle from her made my day. Imiss her texts in the morning making sure I made it to work and then her call during her break to tell me what she ate for lunch, and then checking in on our way home. It seems there's always a reminder that I am so alone and she is gone. I feel guilty because I know she's in the best place, full of peace and love. What about me! I have nothing. I feel selfish for thinking it but I can't help it. 

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LoveGoli   
18 minutes ago, Lulu said:

Yes, we'll survive. But is that enough? I'm not sure it is anymore. I keep going but I can't stop wishing she was here. Just a smile and a giggle from her made my day. Imiss her texts in the morning making sure I made it to work and then her call during her break to tell me what she ate for lunch, and then checking in on our way home. It seems there's always a reminder that I am so alone and she is gone. I feel guilty because I know she's in the best place, full of peace and love. What about me! I have nothing. I feel selfish for thinking it but I can't help it. 

You are not selfish, i think all the same things you mentioned. Your story seems like mine, morning text, lunch break call, send msg when leave office.

I feel so alone too, no msg in my phone, no body care if I take my lunch, what i  take just nobody care.

We are just surviving , i can wish only that our survival period at least short.

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KMB   

TeddTodd,   Such a beautiful gesture for your loved one's mom to give you a necklace to hold him close to your heart. You are blessed that his family accepted you as part of their own. Some people who lose their partner are not fortunate in that way. They lose their partner's family as well, whether married or not. The family feels the need with their grieving to cut all ties and I feel that is wrong. Love and the soul connection of the one who passed should keep everyone together.

You mention your loved one helped you with your soft and loving heart. That was his gift to you. Honor him with that gift and using it and carrying him in your heart as you move forward. You will always have his heart to lean on when you need it.:wub:

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KMB   
2 hours ago, Lulu said:

I feel selfish for thinking it but I can't help it. 

There is nothing wrong in feeling selfish. Our heart has been wounded and we need to place our focus on ourselves when we can, in order to help ourselves on this grief road. God gave us individual purposes for being here. When we accomplish God's purpose, He calls us home. Lily accomplished whatever purpose she had for her souls growth and went back Home before you.

I try really hard to keep this mind with missing my husband. Part of my purpose here was in helping him achieve his purpose and lessons for souls growth. I will always feel his love for me and his appreciation that I was the one chosen to help him on his life path here. I feel in my heart that he will always be with me spiritually, guiding and helping me along. Yes, it is tough not having his physical presence, but I can feel him in my heart and it is better than nothing.

2 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Yes, we'll survive. But is that enough?

I wish I could answer that for you, for myself, for all of us. For some, surviving is enough. It takes a lot of courage just to survive. For others, it is a unique decision to want something more. We all have a purpose for being here. We have to keep the faith and hope that we discover that purpose down the road. Right now, we are where we are supposed to be. As life keeps moving forward, whatever we are meant to do will happen when it is meant to.

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KMB   
2 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I feel so alone too,

We all feel alone. And it is a feeling that we can validate, because the one person we were closest to and never made us feel alone, is no longer here. But, we are never truly alone. Our loved one is in our heart and watching and hearing us from Heaven. It is a different type of closeness that we need to adjust to.Our loved one is invisible to us, but that bond of love is always going to be there. We can feel it in our hearts and feel it in our memories. Whenever we remember them, think of them, they are doing the same.

I still have thoughts of not wanting to be here for too long, just like you and many others here. We don't know our longevity. Only God knows that one. He wants us to fulfill our purpose here before we go Home. Because of how my own mind works, I just wonder with every negative thought I have with wishing for a short life, if God isn't tacking on an extra day?

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Lulu   

I truly believe she's with me in spirit and is happy and I am trying to come to terms that it was indeed her time, despite how it appeared. But, I just can't let go. I thought I was doing better but the pain has always been there, underneath and from time to time, it overcomes me. I think about her every day and I tear up every day but every now and then I just have a good cry. It just seems so unfair. I've received signs that I really believe are from her, but they only ease the pain momentarily. It always returns. I'm going to see a grief therapist next week for the first time. It's so hard because I'm so shy and afraid of opening up face to face with someone but I can't take this anymore. I hope I don't chicken out and cancel. 

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KMB   

Lulu,  You don't have to "let go".  Lilly is always going to be a part of you and you are always going to be a part of her. The pain is always going to be there,  just under the surface. From time to time, it is going to make itself known and we will cry. Lilly was a huge part of your life and you will always miss her. You will always carry that sadness that you are separated from her for awhile. It is just the way of grieving. It never ends, but it does get easier to carry.

I'm glad you receive signs from Lilly. That proves that she is thinking of you and loving you from Heaven. Granted, the effects of comfort are temporary, it does bring hope of more signs to come.

Keep us posted how it is going with your grief therapist. I know it will be hard due to your shyness and being face to face with a stranger. We are strangers to you on here and you opened up. I know it is easier on here since none of us are face to face.  If it might help you feel more at ease with the therapist, just think of all of us here rooting for you. We are your grief family. Bring us all with you to your appointment!  We have your back!

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Lulu   

Thanks, KMB. I will do that! I keep oscillating between going and not going, so we'll see if I build up enough courage to go. 

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TeddTodd   

Hi Lulu, I am also introvert and we will keep oscillating btw going and not going. Grief therapy that you are going is private so that is work for us. I did went to Church Grief counselling and it felt so much better to be able to talk to someone. For me able to talk to Church grief counselor did help. I dont think she fully get the intensity of the pain but she understand and did not fully but she listened and at the end of the session, she gave me some pointers which helped me tremendously.  

You know what, if you dont feel that you have enough courage this week, you can re-schedule and keep trying. 

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KayC   

TeddTodd,

I'm glad you're getting something from the grief counselor, and that the pointers helped.  Just having someone listen helps even.

Lulu,

If all we do is survive at first that is a huge accomplishment.  Try not to think about how long it will feel like this and just do today.  In time you will feel quick moments of happiness, I've learned to appreciate those when they come and not compare to what I used to have.  I'm happy for all good moments I can get now.

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KMB   
On 10/8/2017 at 8:04 PM, Lulu said:

Thanks, KMB. I will do that! I keep oscillating between going and not going, so we'll see if I build up enough courage to go. 

I did the same thing when it came to going to my first support group meeting. I debated all day. Finally, I just talked myself into walking out the door and going. Once I got to the meeting and noticed how comfortable I felt, I stayed and was glad I made the baby step. It does take courage to reach out and make the commitment to helping ourselves. Each baby step we take, makes us stronger and the feeling of accomplishment boots our self esteem.:)

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KMB   
On 10/8/2017 at 8:51 PM, TeddTodd said:

she listened and at the end of the session, she gave me some pointers which helped me tremendously.  

I am glad your session went well. Listening is a key deal for us. We want so much for someone to listen to what this loss means to us, the pain we live with.

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Lulu   

Well, I went to my first session today.  Of course, the tears started gushing, but it was somewhat comforting to at least be able to express some of the feelings I've had to someone face to face and not feel any judgement. I can't say I learned much today or that I feel too optimistic about it,  I mean he gave me some tips that I already found on my own by reading books on grief and from this wonderful forum. It's like I'm starting at level 1 when I'm really at level 4. But, I am going to give it a chance and see how it goes. I don't expect miracles after one session so I'm not putting much weight into my feelings after this one session. I found my new therapist very understanding and kind, and very validating of my feelings. So, we'll go from here. I will see him again next week and see how it goes.

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KMB   

Congrats, Lulu!   You had the courage to take that baby step. I'm proud of you! Like you say, you already know some coping skills, but it is the therapist's protocol to begin at ground zero. Just keep going and giving it a try. Maybe you'll sense some progress after some sessions. If nothing else, just talking to someone, having them listen and having your feelings validated is therapeutic. :)

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KayC   

Lulu,

I guess he doesn't know exactly where you're at in this, what you've already learned.  It'd help if he'd talk to you to know where to start.  Give it a few tries.  It helps even to have your feelings validated.

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