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bradley1985

Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out

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4 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

"Oh Sean you're only 45. You'll find love again".

I hate those comments. I will be turning 58 a few weeks after my one year mark, which is getting so much closer and I am dreading that day. I hear, "You look so young yet and you should be out dating and having fun". They still have their spouse. What the heck do they know what it is like? When their heart gets ripped out and their life gets dumped upside down, then they will see how they don't appreciate those insensitive comments. I don't hold anything against the people who make these comments. But, how I wish they would place themselves in my shoes first, do some thinking before saying anything. Better yet, don't say anything at all. Just give me a hug instead.

4 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

When I married Lori and said forever, I meant my forever as well.

I meant it also.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

I hate those comments. I will be turning 58 a few weeks after my one year mark, which is getting so much closer and I am dreading that day. I hear, "You look so young yet and you should be out dating and having fun". They still have their spouse. What the heck do they know what it is like? When their heart gets ripped out and their life gets dumped upside down, then they will see how they don't appreciate those insensitive comments. I don't hold anything against the people who make these comments. But, how I wish they would place themselves in my shoes first, do some thinking before saying anything. Better yet, don't say anything at all. Just give me a hug instead.

"Easier said than done" is my new mantra. It is so very easy for people to dole out advice from a position of sympathy. When that word changes to empathy and they lose their spouse it will be like when the The Wizard Of Oz changes from black and white to color. In one second we went from amateurs to world-class grievers. It's a talent that none of us wanted nor asked for. Yet here we are. Experts in the worst field of study known to mankind and we got tenure. 

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58 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

Experts in worst field of study known to mankind and we got tenure. 

Kind of like how this forum is formatted. When I first joined, I was a "newbie".  I noticed some time ago that I am now an "advanced member". As far as I'm concerned, I am still a "newbie", dealing with different emotions, feelings, something different , every day. What is so "advanced" about the that?  Length of time has no relevance of status.

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Sean,

I find it really inappropriate of people to suggest we'll find love again, UNLESS we're showing the desire to first!  It's up to US to decide what is best for us, and at any rate, people make these stupid comments when they aren't even dead in the ground yet!  I just find it very tasteless and insensitive.  I mean, one week we're happily married, looking forward to our future together, and the next we're alone and struggling to get through this.  Do they really think we just "get over them" just like that?!

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12 minutes ago, KayC said:

Sean,

I find it really inappropriate of people to suggest we'll find love again, UNLESS we're showing the desire to first!  It's up to US to decide what is best for us, and at any rate, people make these stupid comments when they aren't even dead in the ground yet!  I just find it very tasteless and insensitive.  I mean, one week we're happily married, looking forward to our future together, and the next we're alone and struggling to get through this.  Do they really think we just "get over them" just like that?!

It is truly baffling to me when people just know that I'll find someone again. Like you said, we have to want it first. And quite frankly, I have no desire to "find" someone again. I've said it before but it bears repeating. When I married Lori I made a vow to her that I meant forever. I didn't just mean her forever. I meant mine also and I intend to honor it. If I have to be romantically alone for the remaining time I have here on Earth then so be it. The next time I kiss someone romantically will be when Lori and I re-unite in Paradise. Like Betty White said after her husband passed, "Once you've had the best, there's no need for the rest".

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3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

"Once you've had the best, there's no need for the rest".

I love that!

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5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

 "Once you've had the best, there's no need for the rest".

Ditto that also. When my husband and I kissed, I would get light headed, the butterfly flutters inside. It was like through all our years together. Like you, Eagle, I will wait until my reunion.

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On 7/31/2017 at 8:06 AM, Eagle-96 said:

If only they could see the scars on your soul and on your heart. If only they could see our feelings instead of the outward physical appearance they would be in for a big surprise. What gets me are the people who say. "Oh Sean you're only 45. You'll find love again". Who says I want to find love again. I found it in Lori. When I married Lori and said forever, I meant my forever as well.

I missed some good stuff on here yesterday because I was feeling too hopeless to do anything, even post here (I drew the severly hopeless card yesterday I suppose).  This morning I feel better emotionally but my body feels like its been hit by a train but I couldnt sleep any longer.

I get these kinds of comments a lot. I have tried to imagine myself with someone else and it doesnt work for me.  I cant even imagine holding someone else's or hugging them much less any of the other stuff.  I feel I have been welcomed to the "tour de misery on earth".  If she had divorced me or left me that would be one thing.  But I knew she was never going to leave me.  She loved me and talked about growing old with me quite a lot.  On her own, she completely quit drinking many years ago to enhance our life together. 

My whole life I have been unhappy with my girlfriends and previous wife.  In all my previous relationships I would always be "looking" and/or "thinking" about other women.  After an entire life of unhappiness in the love department I finally found the "One" that I could literally be with nearly 24 hours a day and after meeting her I never looked or thought about another woman again.  This was it.  This was my final stand and I commited to her for eternity.  I knew when I said my vows it was forever as I was older at this time and was sure of what I was doing.  Sure, I had moments when I was upset or we were disagreeing over something I would think strange thoughts.  But I was always committed, 100% of the time.   

Now my desire to live has been severely compromised.  I want my wife but cant have her.  I dont have a lot of options except to keep trucking alone which is also miserable. Sadly I think I am getting used to being alone and depressed.  After eight months (next week) It seems it is becoming a way of life.   This is who I am now.  I am not sure its even about desire for another relationship.  Even if I desired another relationship I dont think I am mentally or physically capable because it seems it would be like asking a horse with four broken legs to run a horse race.  Me, being the horse.  And how could I subject another person to me (at this time)?  I will never say never but I dont see how. 

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I am 39.  So far the individuals that have told me that I'm young and will find someone else are all men.

I know they mean well but I don't think it's the right thing to say.  It's insensitive.

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Being true to Lori is one of the few acts of love to her that I can still actually perform. I can love her in my heart all I want but there are not many ways to really show it now that she is gone. As I have said before, I prayed throughout our marriage from time to time that if one of us had to go first I prayed it would be Lori. Only because I never wanted her to go through the pain and suffering of losing a spouse. I wanted to take the pain for her. Welp, I got it in spades. BUT, I consider taking this overwhelming pain as an act of love that I can still give to her. The other thing I can do for her is to be true to my lifetime commitment to her. I would do anything for Lori. Including this. 

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11 hours ago, Azipod said:

I am 39.  So far the individuals that have told me that I'm young and will find someone else are all men.

I know they mean well but I don't think it's the right thing to say.  It's insensitive.

Yes it is insensitive.  They don't know better and think they're bringing reassurance.  It's amazing to me how ignorant our society is about loss and grief.

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I've been told that "maybe lightning will strike twice" and I "have more love in my heart." I don't want lightning to strike again. I want my wife back. If I were to ever try to date again I would just be looking for a facsimile of her which doesn't exist. So what's the point?

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I have not posted in some time as I have been trying to move forward my business and studies, but nothing stops the hurt.  I dont really expect anyone to read this post but today is 9 months since my wife Nicole died and I need to say her name over and over.  It is a very emotional day but which ones arent. 

I want to let her and the world know I think about her all the time.  My soul has been torn in two and I dont think I was left with the better half.  I miss her watching me dance, laugh, play with things in the yard, and joke.  I miss watching tv with her.  I miss singing with her.  I miss her telling me how much she loves me.  I miss her telling me I am the best thing that ever happend to her.  I miss her showing me her finger nails and toes after painting.  I miss her telling me so many stories for hours upon hours sometimes.  I miss her advice.  I miss her telling me everything will be ok.  

Well, its not.  At 9 months I can do more things.  I can focus better and I can even socialize a bit.  But in the back and many times in the front of my mind I wonder what she is doing.  I wonder where she is.  I wonder if she likes heaven or the afterlife.  I wonder if she gets to sleep and dream.  I worry about her.  I worry she isnt happy.  Making her happy and seeing her smile and appreciate all the things I tried to do for her (wish I had done more) was the thing that kept me alive. 

I want to tell her I am trying to live without her but its just about next to impossible.  But somehow I go to sleep every night and wake every morning and do my chores and go to school (language school) and keep pushing forward to an unknown ends.  there's nothing but a non-visible future in front of me now, a black tunnel of sorts.  A future without my family.  It's scary.  I am scared.  I wish she would just come home.  I wish she would just communicate with me and let me know she is ok at the least.  Just call home every now and then and just let me know.  but she cant or I know she would.  I love you Nicole Miller.  Star crossed in this life but star aligned in the next.

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1 hour ago, bradley1985 said:

I have not posted in some time as I have been trying to move forward my business and studies, but nothing stops the hurt.  I dont really expect anyone to read this post but today is 9 months since my wife Nicole died and I need to say her name over and over.  It is a very emotional day but which ones arent. 

I want to let her and the world know I think about her all the time.  My soul has been torn in two and I dont think I was left with the better half.  I miss her watching me dance, laugh, play with things in the yard, and joke.  I miss watching tv with her.  I miss singing with her.  I miss her telling me how much she loves me.  I miss her telling me I am the best thing that ever happend to her.  I miss her showing me her finger nails and toes after painting.  I miss her telling me so many stories for hours upon hours sometimes.  I miss her advice.  I miss her telling me everything will be ok.  

Well, its not.  At 9 months I can do more things.  I can focus better and I can even socialize a bit.  But in the back and many times in the front of my mind I wonder what she is doing.  I wonder where she is.  I wonder if she likes heaven or the afterlife.  I wonder if she gets to sleep and dream.  I worry about her.  I worry she isnt happy.  Making her happy and seeing her smile and appreciate all the things I tried to do for her (wish I had done more) was the thing that kept me alive. 

I want to tell her I am trying to live without her but its just about next to impossible.  But somehow I go to sleep every night and wake every morning and do my chores and go to school (language school) and keep pushing forward to an unknown ends.  there's nothing but a non-visible future in front of me now, a black tunnel of sorts.  A future without my family.  It's scary.  I am scared.  I wish she would just come home.  I wish she would just communicate with me and let me know she is ok at the least.  Just call home every now and then and just let me know.  but she cant or I know she would.  I love you Nicole Miller.  Star crossed in this life but star aligned in the next.

We all are living with this pain, living is the cruelest thingh we are doing. I dont believe sometime that this is the same world i love earlier but now i hate this world, this life. Sometime i want 3 rd world war start and whole world shut down , all problem solved.

Two months mark for me today, hate this date, i am contineously thinking about that day today and hurting myself but i cant focus anywhere else now.

 

 

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5 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

Well, its not.  At 9 months I can do more things.  I can focus better and I can even socialize a bit.  But in the back and many times in the front of my mind I wonder what she is doing. 

Yes we adjust little by little to this new life, we begin to process this grief, this loss, we are able to compartmentalize sometimes, we can finally work and do things we need to do, we can even meet with a friend and smile...but always, always, they are on our mind, day and night, grief lurking just under the surface, accompanying us wherever we go, like a shadow lurking closely.  This is the difference between what was and what is now.  Instead of the person we love and enjoy, we have this grief as our companion.

I'm sorry it is so for you.

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11 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

I have not posted in some time as I have been trying to move forward my business and studies, but nothing stops the hurt.  I dont really expect anyone to read this post but today is 9 months since my wife Nicole died and I need to say her name over and over.  It is a very emotional day but which ones arent. 

I want to let her and the world know I think about her all the time.  My soul has been torn in two and I dont think I was left with the better half.  I miss her watching me dance, laugh, play with things in the yard, and joke.  I miss watching tv with her.  I miss singing with her.  I miss her telling me how much she loves me.  I miss her telling me I am the best thing that ever happend to her.  I miss her showing me her finger nails and toes after painting.  I miss her telling me so many stories for hours upon hours sometimes.  I miss her advice.  I miss her telling me everything will be ok.  

Well, its not.  At 9 months I can do more things.  I can focus better and I can even socialize a bit.  But in the back and many times in the front of my mind I wonder what she is doing.  I wonder where she is.  I wonder if she likes heaven or the afterlife.  I wonder if she gets to sleep and dream.  I worry about her.  I worry she isnt happy.  Making her happy and seeing her smile and appreciate all the things I tried to do for her (wish I had done more) was the thing that kept me alive. 

I want to tell her I am trying to live without her but its just about next to impossible.  But somehow I go to sleep every night and wake every morning and do my chores and go to school (language school) and keep pushing forward to an unknown ends.  there's nothing but a non-visible future in front of me now, a black tunnel of sorts.  A future without my family.  It's scary.  I am scared.  I wish she would just come home.  I wish she would just communicate with me and let me know she is ok at the least.  Just call home every now and then and just let me know.  but she cant or I know she would.  I love you Nicole Miller.  Star crossed in this life but star aligned in the next.

Bradley 1985, i also avnt posted in a while and am also at the 9 month mark same as you. I am so moved by your words i had to post, i feel it is all what im thinking but wouldnt be able to word them in such a lovely way, this gut wrenching grief is a thing that will never leave us, it is somthing we have no choice but to live with, take care of yourselve in best way you know how and everyone on this site also do the same, take care always . 

 

 

 

 

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I wish people would understand that our soulmates are ALWAYS on our minds.They were our whole life then and they continue to be now. Five long months. It seems like time is flying by and at a standstill all at once since Lori has been gone. We'll get the first cool front of the season this week. Can't really call it a cold front but we'll take what we can get I suppose. With the cooler weather this is the time of year when Lori would put out the fall decorations. She really went all out to make our home festive. Anytime we went shopping she would always look for more decorations. I think we single handily kept the ceramic pumpkin industry afloat. I can remember one year asking her why we always decorated so much and she told me that she knew I loved the season from September to December so much that she just wanted to make me happy. That's just the way she was. She always wanted to make everyone happy. Always wanted everyone to feel welcome here. She would have lived in a pumpkin if it made me smile. I thought about not decorating this year. Not bothering with it. The memories are just too hard. But then it wouldn't feel like our home if I didn't. The home she worked so hard to make special for me and everyone who entered. So I'll pull out the containers. Dust off the gourds and put a little piece of her memory on the mantle and the counters. Some tears will fall and some smiles might even cross my face. It won't be the same mind you but it will feel a little bit more like Lori.

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Sean,

I did the decorating, but George was the big incentive, he enjoyed every season, every holiday, to the hilt!  He took such pleasure in everything, it doesn't seem the same without his appreciate festive glint in his eye!  But I continue to do it in his honor, his memory.  I hope he can see it. Especially the Christmas decorations.  I don't do it for me, I do it for him, as if he's right here beside me sharing in it with me.

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20 minutes ago, KayC said:

Sean,

I did the decorating, but George was the big incentive, he enjoyed every season, every holiday, to the hilt!  He took such pleasure in everything, it doesn't seem the same without his appreciate festive glint in his eye!  But I continue to do it in his honor, his memory.  I hope he can see it. Especially the Christmas decorations.  I don't do it for me, I do it for him, as if he's right here beside me sharing in it with me.

I cried like a baby while putting out the door wreath, pumpkins, candles, etc... I went back to when we bought them. The fun trips to the store to get them. A few smiles were had as well. I'm glad I did it because it makes it feel a little more like she is there with me. 

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I don't know how this afterlife thing works, but I like to think they can see us...I had two NDEs and was able to look down on them working on my body, see those present, etc.  Maybe likewise they are able to see us sometimes...

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I don't know how this afterlife thing works, but I like to think they can see us...I had two NDEs and was able to look down on them working on my body, see those present, etc.  Maybe likewise they are able to see us sometimes...

I just want her to know that I'm doing the best I can given the situation. That I have not given up even though I have wanted to many times. 

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On 9/5/2017 at 6:58 PM, Eagle-96 said:

I wish people would understand that our soulmates are ALWAYS on our minds.They were our whole life then and they continue to be now. Five long months. It seems like time is flying by and at a standstill all at once since Lori has been gone.

Me too.  She is ALWAYS on my mind.  I am trying to live but the whole wolrd seems so strange now.  The days just tick off one by one.  Every time I do something new without her I can give myself a quick pat on that back for pushing out into the world by myself, only to finish and not be able to tell her what I did or am going to do.  Every thing I do seems to take my mind off of her for a few minutes, but I always come back to this place of very deep sorrow.  There is nothing to get excited about anymore.  Nothing to look forward too really.  I can socialize now.  I have made a new friend or two.  My work is going well.  It seems circumstances are all improving but I am not.  I can see hope in some areas of my life but I continually see myself alone or with people unlike Nicole when I look to the future.  A detached, very lonely person, never having a magical person in my life again.  I feel like when she was with me I was living in fairy tale and now the book has ended (tragically).  When I look at the sunshine beaming into my house through the windows it looks strange now.  Everyone I meet that is single enjoys life,  they just seem to be living.  I think how can they be so happy without a special person in their life?  And why do I feel so dead compared to them?  I talked to one lady who lost her husband and after a year looks back at the memories with joy.  I still cry when I look at pictures or think about all the things we did together.  I dont think this pain is ever going away or even going to lessen.

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On 9/5/2017 at 7:50 AM, LoveGoli said:

We all are living with this pain, living is the cruelest thingh we are doing. I dont believe sometime that this is the same world i love earlier but now i hate this world, this life. Sometime i want 3 rd world war start and whole world shut down , all problem solved.

Yes, I agree.  I want to be at ground zero.  Just shut it down.  I think this way a lot.   And I dont feel guilty for thinking it either.   I had something I can never get again.  I worked my whole life to find someone to really love.  I cant believe my life is over,  or at least feels over, everyone says its not, but when does it start to feel that its not.  All thats happening is I am getting used to being my own miserable company.

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Hi Bradley, I truly wish there was something I could say to ease your pain.  I can only reiterate what we are trying hard to do - live one hour or one day at a time.  Thinking about the future is just too darned scary and can make us more anxious.  But, I do quietly hope there will be better times yet to come.  My current mantra is 'what will be, will be'.  After 20 months, I am starting to smile instead of cry when I look at our photos or think of memories we made together.  I feel that's good progress.  

Sending strength and hugs. 

 

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On 9/5/2017 at 7:50 AM, LoveGoli said:

We all are living with this pain, living is the cruelest thingh we are doing. I dont believe sometime that this is the same world i love earlier but now i hate this world, this life. Sometime i want 3 rd world war start and whole world shut down , all problem solved.

Two months mark for me today, hate this date, i am contineously thinking about that day today and hurting myself but i cant focus anywhere else now.

 

 

I feel the same way sometimes. When the news said that North Korea now has a nuclear missile that could reach the US I just shrugged and said "so what". It felt strange to not care if a bomb hit my city and I was killed. With my luck, I'm sure I would be the only one spared death.

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