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bradley1985

Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out

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Bradley, This is some philosophical thinking---bear with me, it is another rainy afternoon here, LOL. I feel we were blessed with our soulmates to learn unconditional love.To live life to its fullest capacity with our soulmate, as we surely did, as much as possible. In order to love unconditionally, we have to learn patience, acceptance, tolerance. Probably more things to that list, if anyone wants to add on. Our soulmates were not given a choice in leaving their life and us.. They learned their lessons, experienced whatever God's plan was for them. They also were here to teach us some of the lessons we need to learn for our souls growth. We gained unconditional love from them. And yes, we are in pain, miserable without them. But, I still believe that we are here to teach others how this world should be. We are here to show, by example,what we have learned. When I watch or listen to the news and all the terrible things going on, it is beyond sad. As humans, with souls, we are all connected. From our losses, we should be teaching others what we have learned the hard, painful way. To love one another unconditionally.We are here to fulfill God's plan on how he would like to see this world of humanity treat each other for the good of all. 

On 6/20/2017 at 11:19 AM, Marcel said:

my wife gave me this gift and now I can share it with family and friends.

I should have taken your quote from your own posting, but only scrolled up to where I saw it on Marcel's reply---sorry. I feel that Nicole's gift of love to you is meant to be passed on to family, friends and strangers. Nicole didn't use her gifts selfishly. She gave not only to you, but to many others. She would not want you to keep her legacy of love to yourself, she would want you to share it, as she did. Love is a gift that keeps on giving and is the meaning of life.   (HUGS)

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KMB your words have brought me some comfort tonight. I lost my husband less than a month ago and am feeling lost,broken,scared. What you said above is so true and hope someday soon my pain will lessen and I can truly feel that way inside. Thankyou

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Dian, No need for thanks. We are all here to support, uplift and encourage. It brings me a smile if my words can be of comfort to someone here. It is beyond sadness that we all have to experience the heart break, pain, despair, loneliness of loss.   (HUGS)

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On 6/22/2017 at 2:35 PM, KMB said:

I feel we were blessed with our soulmates to learn unconditional love.To live life to its fullest capacity with our soulmate, as we surely did, as much as possible. In order to love unconditionally, we have to learn patience, acceptance, tolerance. Probably more things to that list, if anyone wants to add on. Our soulmates were not given a choice in leaving their life and us.. They learned their lessons, experienced whatever God's plan was for them. They also were here to teach us some of the lessons we need to learn for our souls growth. We gained unconditional love from them. And yes, we are in pain, miserable without them. But, I still believe that we are here to teach others how this world should be. We are here to show, by example,what we have learned.

Dear KMB, I cant argue with your philosophy.  I am sure it is correct and agree in theory.  But why me and why us I still have to ask?  Why not some people that like to teach and like this kind of stuff?  I feel like god has jerked me around over and over since the time I was born.  My entire life has been nothing but being jerked around.  I have never been and am not in any condition to promote his plan.  I was/am just doing good to try to stay sober and support my family (which he so wisely removed from me last year....all four creatures that depended on me).  Frankly I hate gods plan and I think I hate him.  I feel like the cow that has been coralled to the slaughter pen against his will.  

As far as being interconnected I agree.  But I didnt sign up to be some kind of meditating, spiritual monk.  All I ever wanted was a normal family with a normal life style (or somewhat normal) and no matter what I do, where I go, the great god says "no" you cant have what 90% of everyone else has.  Not today, not ever.  And if you attain anything close to normal he will kill all three of my animals and my wife in the same year.  To me god is a brutal task master that will go to any length to force you into his plan.  That's his nature.  Obey or be crucified (i am not talking about obey law here....obey gods plan) is his motto.  He lets everyone else off the hook and selects certain people to make suffer.  I know I am not the only one but I am part of a small group that he heaps his suffering onto.  My wife was everything.  There are so many rotten marriages, people cheating on each other, etc.  Why not kill one of their wives?  Why not take a person in my family that didnt mean so much?  This is how he operates.  He always takes the good ones and leaves me to deal with the difficult ones.   Just absolute garbage IMO.  He left all the other cats in my neighborhood who had zero vaccinations and killed both mine who were vacinated. This is his nature.  Then I hear people who want a sign from heaven that there loved one is in gods arms??  Really?  What kind of jerk god would give you no warning (revelation) that your loved one is deathly ill but then reveal to you they are ok in heaven after they are dead?  No god I want to know would behave like this.

I am more than happy to give of myself and be kind to others and animals.  No problem.  But if god is listening I hope he understands I just want to go the next world asap as this place just makes me utterly sick.  I wish I were never born but if I am here for a lesson I want to learn it as quickly as possible so I can get out of here as I can tell you I sure dont want to repeat this life again either on earth or in heaven.  

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I asked why the first year or so, never got an answer.  Not sure there is one.  I shifted my question to "What do I do with this?"  I never found any rhyme or reason as to who dies and who doesn't, it sure isn't based on how good someone is or how needed and wanted they were here.  The Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust, in other words, stuff happens that's not based on how we live.  Life can be very unfair.  I don't look at God as being behind what happened, but more someone I can lean on being as it did.  They say our view of God is often based on our relationship with our earthly father, but I guess that's not true for me because mine sure wasn't there for me, he was busy getting drunk.  Honestly, I think God does understand and hears us...sometimes I wish He was more vocal about answering, but I guess we have to be still and listen, something most of us aren't good at.  But then that is true, too, for those looking for signs...often they're missed or attributed to something else because we aren't looking for them or perceiving them as such.

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I too was questioning things, especially why Pat and I were only given such a short time together. Someone very wise reminded me the other day of this...More will be revealed.   I believe there is/was a reason for this tragedy in my life though right now I have no idea what it is. Someday more will be revealed, when god is ready to show me, and I hope some of it will make some sense. 

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I don't think I'll know why until I'm on the other side and then the why won't even matter, we'll be together again!

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bradley1985, I wish there were words to ease your pain, all the pain, on this forum. I wish I had answers and could alleviate your resentment with God's plans.

On 6/27/2017 at 10:35 PM, bradley1985 said:

But why me and why us I still have to ask?

Good questions and we won't know the answers until we cross over. it isn't just us, Bradley. People die everyday. Grandparents, parents, siblings, children, spouses. I bet their loved ones question the whys also.There is a whole world of grieving people out there. Individually, we think we are the only one suffering loss. Yes, our pain is unique to us, but it is beyond comprehension when you think of the billions of people going through the pain that we are. I'm all for getting through this life and entering Heaven and eternal life as quickly as possible.

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On 6/29/2017 at 11:11 PM, KMB said:

Good questions and we won't know the answers until we cross over. it isn't just us, Bradley. People die everyday. Grandparents, parents, siblings, children, spouses. I bet their loved ones question the whys also.There is a whole world of grieving people out there. Individually, we think we are the only one suffering loss. Yes, our pain is unique to us, but it is beyond comprehension when you think of the billions of people going through the pain that we are. I'm all for getting through this life and entering Heaven and eternal life as quickly as possible.

Yes but there is a big difference when someone dies before their time.  All my grandparents died and it was there time.  I had three animals.  One died when she was old.  A few weeks grieving and I was fine.  The other two died at one year old.  I am still upset about it...a full year later.  They were robbed.  I didnt feel robbed when my grandparents and older dog died.  Nicole was 33 and I feel completely robbed.  Its a much different feeling.  I guess thats why the highest death rate for grievers is young women and young men.  Women aged 20-24 who lose there husband are seven times more likely to die in the first year after losing their spouse than their counterparts.  Amazing.  

As far as your last statement I am ALL for moving on asap.  There is really nothing here for me.  Nicole was the only person I felt emotionally complete with my entire life.  Waiting for someone else to come into my life and be emotionally complete with is like hoping for gold to fall out of the sky.  Probably not going to happen.  On the plus side food taste a bit better these days and my physical pain is down.  Anxiety is down.  And guilt has subsided as well.   But other than that it just looks like a hopeless, useless world to me.  Same old useless, fruitless world that was here before I met Nicole but now I know what I am missing so the world looks ten times and crappy.

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9 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

On the plus side food taste a bit better these days and my physical pain is down.  Anxiety is down.  And guilt has subsided as well. 

I have found it does help to look for something good and it sounds like you are doing that.   It doesn't offset what's wrong in our world but it helps our mindset.

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I have to write about this to try to relieve some anger.  Every time someone asks me how I am doing and I see this week was a bit better or I am able to get more sleep they inevitably say "glad you are feeling better".  this is quite a pet peeve of mine and why I have almost quit talking to family and friends.  There is a big difference between doing better and feeling better.  I dont feel better.  I am doing better.  If I felt better I would see hope and feel like living.  By "doing better" I can get up and do activities with the hope that one day I may have some hope.  Everyone that has not lost a spouse (or child) associates feeling and happiness with "doing better".  This is simply not the case.  

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15 minutes ago, bradley1985 said:

Every time someone asks me how I am doing

There is quite a difference in "doing or feeling better". Action versus emotions. When people ask me how I'm doing, I answer, "as well as can be expected when you have lost the love of your life and life itself as you knew it". Actually, I have found that people don't have a response to that.

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Oh Bradley, I hear what you are saying, and as KMB put it, there IS quite a difference between doing and feeling better.  I don't think there IS a "feeling better", it's more of a getting used to our changed lives, and oh my God that takes time, it's a huge long process!  I wish sometimes people would keep their mouths shut and just "be there".  Do something tangible if they must, bring a casserole, mow a lawn, but please don't say something stupid to us!

I like KMB's retort.

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

Oh Bradley, I hear what you are saying, and as KMB put it, there IS quite a difference between doing and feeling better.  I don't think there IS a "feeling better", it's more of a getting used to our changed lives, and oh my God that takes time, it's a huge long process!  I wish sometimes people would keep their mouths shut and just "be there".  Do something tangible if they must, bring a casserole, mow a lawn, but please don't say something stupid to us!

I like KMB's retort.

Yes, I hate it when people ask me how I'm doing when they really mean how do I feel. I say fine but that's not true. I feel horrible, I'm lost and incomplete and I feel like nothing will ever be the same or bring me joy like it once did. Today is week 16 and I 'feel' just as bad as I did week 1. I may be 'doing' better in that I can get through a day's work without trying to hide or avoid people because I am about to burst out in tears or that I can talk with someone about the weather, but in no way am I 'feeling' better. I resent them when they ask even though I know they don't mean any harm but I just want to say, how do you think I feel? life has no meaning some days! But I know they don't want to hear this, nor do I want to punish them for being ignorant. They don't know what they don't know.

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16 hours ago, Lulu said:

I hate it when people ask me how I'm doing when they really mean how do I feel. I say fine but that's

Then don't say "fine".  TELL them how you really feel.  We don't have to be belligerent and say "How the hell do you THINK I feel!"  but neither do we have to lie & pretend with them, "Fine."  Somewhere in between.  Maybe "It's a very hard adjustment, I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances."  "Fine" should be reserved for at work where we have to put on a nice face to keep our jobs.

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44 minutes ago, KayC said:

Then don't say "fine".  TELL them how you really feel.  We don't have to be belligerent and say "How the hell do you THINK I feel!"  but neither do we have to lie & pretend with them, "Fine."  Somewhere in between.  Maybe "It's a very hard adjustment, I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances."  "Fine" should be reserved for at work where we have to put on a nice face to keep our jobs.

But that's part of the problem. People don't really want to know and I am not going to open myself up to a brick wall. When I have tried to express my feelings, I can read their facial response and they don't want to know. They ask to be nice, that's it. Not to mention, it only opens the door for empty platitudes. I am over them and if saying fine just gets it over with and everyone moves on from the conversation that they really don't want details anyway, then so be it. My thing is why bother asking when you really don't want to know or when the only answer you want is not what I can give.

It's easier for someone who lost a spouse that the outside world recognized as your spouse to share how they are doing or feeling. It's hard for me to say much or how much I hurt when people think I only lost my friend. I can see the looks on their faces and I don't need to hear 'oh, you'll make more friends.' And no, I can't tell anyone, nor do I wish to. Believe me, it's a lot easier said than done and I do not want to go down that road. So, I just try to keep to myself as much as possible.

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I'm so sorry, Lulu, in that your grieving is made doubly agonizing, isolating, because no one knew the true nature of your relationship with Lily. You have us here and you are in our prayers.  (HUGS)

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13 hours ago, Lulu said:

But that's part of the problem. People don't really want to know and I am not going to open myself up to a brick wall. When I have tried to express my feelings, I can read their facial response and they don't want to know. They ask to be nice, that's it. Not to mention, it only opens the door for empty platitudes. I am over them and if saying fine just gets it over with and everyone moves on from the conversation that they really don't want details anyway, then so be it. My thing is why bother asking when you really don't want to know or when the only answer you want is not what I can give.

It's easier for someone who lost a spouse that the outside world recognized as your spouse to share how they are doing or feeling. It's hard for me to say much or how much I hurt when people think I only lost my friend. I can see the looks on their faces and I don't need to hear 'oh, you'll make more friends.' And no, I can't tell anyone, nor do I wish to. Believe me, it's a lot easier said than done and I do not want to go down that road. So, I just try to keep to myself as much as possible.

I have this issue.  My friends say I am likeable and will make new friends.  My Mom's only advice to me was to make a good friend.  This doesnt bring my wife back.  Friends are in no way, shape, or form a replacement for what I have lost.  Not even in the same universe, much less ballpark.  I had a life worth living and I could make 10,000 friends and I will still be willing to starve myself to bring back my wife.  My parents have thought this has been my solution to a "happy" life since I was 5 years old and it so irritating to hear.  Friends dont want to hear how I feel.  Its all fake I now know.  Like Lulu said its easier to say fine or not talk about it.  I know it sounds sick but there is a part of me that wants everyone to lose their spouse or child so finally we can ALL be in this together and the whole world can have this experience. 

My marriage was not perfect but we were always together and loved one another and rarely had anything to argue about and we had a lot of laughs when I wasnt stressed about business.  Even when I was stressed we still didnt argue or fight, it wasnt her fault and I didnt take it out on her.  I was just less "available" during those times.  And when I wasnt stressed we laughed and joked.  She was super sweet and wonderful.   I have never had anything close to that my whole life thru countless girlfriends and another marriage.  So the "you will find someone" comment also drives me up the wall.  Sure,  I may find someone one day.  But I can tell you without a doubt it WON'T be her.  And I listen to guys talk that are married and the numbers are staggering of how much I dont envy their marriage. A relationship riffled with arguements and lack of love? Etc. Etc.  Fighting over laundry?  Jeesh.  Why would I want what they have?  Sounds terrible.  Really?  There isnt much hope from my vantage point.  I have been marked.

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Bradley, My heart goes out to you. You sound so broken, bitter, angry. I get it. I am also broken but I am not bitter or angry. I had anger for awhile, but it was directed towards my husband's doctors and my feelings of betrayal that we were lied to. I have gotten past that since they are only human and make mistakes in their prognosis, etc. No matter the doctorate degree, no one knows everything.

Our own inner dialogue and attitude is what is going to make the difference in how we work ourselves through the process of grieving. For myself, I have been finding out that it is easier to remember and cherish what I was blessed to have had with my husband instead of focusing on his loss. Yes, I am constantly sad and miss him deeply, but he didn't leave on purpose. We can choose to cherish what we had and carry on the legacy of love they left us with or we can choose to keep ourselves mired on the day they left.

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

I am also broken but I am not bitter or angry. I had anger for awhile, but it was directed towards my husband's doctors and my feelings of betrayal that we were lied to. I have gotten past that since they are only human and make mistakes in their prognosis, etc. No matter the doctorate degree, no one knows everything.

Yeah,  I was angry at the doctor for a while over the misdiagnosis as her life may have been able to be saved had the doctor not lied, but thats really not where my anger is directed.  I got over the misdiagnosis in a few months pretty much for the exact reasons you say.  In addition God put a veil over there eyes as well as mine.  Kept us all from seeing what was going on with her.  Thats kind of how I see it anyway.  He orchestrated this.  Perhaps I would see it differently if I hadnt just been talking to my wife all year about how god had suddenly stopped working in our lives.  We talked about this all the time and hoped that god would help us change our life direction.  I should have seen this coming as bad as everything else was going for no appearant reason.  I just had no idea he would go that far and take her too.

My anger is pretty much all I have now.  But I do think about all the good times.  I just woke up from a nap and thinking about things we did is how I got to sleep. I think about her all the time, mostly without tears now.  They say at a year you stop crying so much and remember the good times more.  I do see how this is possible.  But this is from people who want to keep experiencing life on there own.  I wish I was one of those but I am not.

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21 hours ago, Lulu said:

People don't really want to know

I get you.  They shouldn't ask then, but I do hear you, none of us want their stupid responses.:angry:

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On 7/24/2017 at 10:41 PM, bradley1985 said:

 There is a big difference between doing better and feeling better.  I dont feel better.  I am doing better.  If I felt better I would see hope and feel like living.  By "doing better" I can get up and do activities with the hope that one day I may have some hope

Bradley, I'm so sorry - I know that it's not any consolation, but I understand and empathize with this sentiment all too well. It's infuriating, isolating...

In some cases, I suspect people mean well but just have no idea what to say to me. So they focus on my physical injuries and overcompensate by saying how amazing and miraculous my recovery has been. I've even had comments along the lines of "eventually no one will even notice those scars" and "you're so lucky they aren't on your face, that you weren't disfigured". Really? Because I'm pretty sure none of that matters to me anymore. I'm pretty sure I would take being disfigured, or in more physical pain, or ANY injury just to have David here with me. 

Yes, I'm "doing better" in the sense that I can walk, I can get dressed, try to present some semblance of normality. But I sure don't feel better. Not in the slightest. I honestly feel worse with every day that passes. So thank you for making this distinction. I'm just very sorry that you are able to, because you're right, unless someone has experienced a loss of this magnitude, they simply don't get it. 

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59 minutes ago, AshleyDonahue said:

In some cases, I suspect people mean well but just have no idea what to say to me. So they focus on my physical injuries and overcompensate by saying how amazing and miraculous my recovery has been. I've even had comments along the lines of "eventually no one will even notice those scars" and "you're so lucky they aren't on your face, that you weren't disfigured". Really? Because I'm pretty sure none of that matters to me anymore. I'm pretty sure I would take being disfigured, or in more physical pain, or ANY injury just to have David here with me. 

Ashley,  I am sorry you had to join us here and I think I understand where you are coming from.  I felt the same way you do for several months regarding my physical appearance as I have not wanted to finish life without my wife.  However, as time goes on I am finally able to be slightly grateful for my health and I now know why all the grief books say take care of yourself.  At least I feel this way today, who knows about tomorrow.  I too felt worse and worse each day as the first six months rolled by.  To be honest I felt much worse after six months than I did after two months.  I think the shock and surprise lengthens our pain.  Losing my spouse has basically been a tour of hell for me that everyone expects to be an ever upward sloping line of recovery.  Well,  its not.  Not by any measure.  Month six was probably the worst and yet thats when people "thought" i should be better.  This past month has been better, but certainly no joy or peace. 

And how could you feel lucky?  Lucky!!  Unbelievable, right?  From my view there doesnt appear to be any "luck" in your situation.  Your life as you thought it would be has been obliterated.  What would have been lucky for me in your situation would be to go together.  If I had died with my wife I think I would have been "lucky".  However, people dont want to hear this.  They cant imagine not wanting to live and even say things like as soon as your grief is over you can do this or do that.  I am glad they are so confident that my grief will be over because for me it seems to never end. 

Albeit, things are "better" today, but only after 8 months of hell, roughly 40 grief meetings, countless hours of therapy, and about 100 other self help/counseling sessions did I finally see any improvement at all.  Anxiety, anger, fear, hopelessness, despair, and guilt continue to pop up in an endless and ever changing cycle.  But they seem to be lessening this month.  But who knows about tomorrow or next week or next month. I think the therapy and grief groups are 100% required for any kind of meaningful survival.  Every day we jsut have to suit up, show up, and do our best to punch through this.  Keep going and keep hoping that things will turn around.  There really isnt another meaningful choice.

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4 minutes ago, bradley1985 said:

What would have been lucky for me in your situation would be to go together.  If I had died with my wife I think I would have been "lucky".  However, people dont want to hear this.  

You hit it spot on. To have survived when he didn't just feels like a punishment. I still wish that we both died together, but stopped expressing this because people just can't understand it. And I realize that it must be painful for my family to hear me say such a thing. The feeling hasn't gone away, but I just keep it to myself, or my therapist (or I suppose now here). Thank you for understanding, it honestly means a lot. 

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12 hours ago, AshleyDonahue said:

In some cases, I suspect people mean well but just have no idea what to say to me. So they focus on my physical injuries and overcompensate by saying how amazing and miraculous my recovery has been. I've even had comments along the lines of "eventually no one will even notice those scars" and "you're so lucky they aren't on your face, that you weren't disfigured". Really? Because I'm pretty sure none of that matters to me anymore. I'm pretty sure I would take being disfigured, or in more physical pain, or ANY injury just to have David here with me. 

If only they could see the scars on your soul and on your heart. If only they could see our feelings instead of the outward physical appearance they would be in for a big surprise. What gets me are the people who say. "Oh Sean you're only 45. You'll find love again". Who says I want to find love again. I found it in Lori. When I married Lori and said forever, I meant my forever as well.

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