AceBasin

Making New Friendships

62 posts in this topic

2 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Andy, thank you for sharing your top-off Jeep ride today. I have a Jeep and love to ride with the top off too,  though it hasn't been warm enough here yet this year. I've  been working on trying to put a list together of things that would make me "happy" and taking the roof off is on my list.  But....how can those rides be happy without Pat?  I will try my best to start trying the things on my list   I know I won't be "happy" doing them but if I can enjoy them even the smallest fraction of how I used to enjoy them, well then I guess that's something.  I so want to feel happiness and joy again in the future but I can't imagine ever feeling that again. I have to have hope and faith that it will happen. It has to happen. Baby steps I guess. 

I LOVED driving top off. I would sometimes throw the kayak on top and hit a local lake to fish or just paddle with an action camera on board. I'm desperately trying to get connected again. It's symbiotic, the health of one system completely affecting the other systems. The loss of my wife has compromised every other connection I have, destroying some. How do you heal that? This loss has gone far deeper than I thought possible, revealing the complex nature of how we rely on core foundations to support all the other, secondary relationships. Like an immune system that's been weakened, everything becomes jeopardized. I don't know how I go about handling this. How do you "fix" this when it's impossible to put back the missing piece?  

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, I completely get your post. I feel so *alien* in this world now. Being without our spouses puts us into a category all our own. We don't *belong* with the couples and some of us are to old to start over. Where do we belong now? We were content with the world we created with our spouses. We are stuck in that time warp. We want everything to be what it was.

Maybe you and my husband would have bonded over vehicles. He had a passion for tiny sport cars. One day back in 2006, he came across an older Corvette. His eyes lit up and he was asking me if we could afford it. Next thing I know it's in our driveway. We had it out once with the top off. i so enjoyed watching the young man come out in him. He didn't get to enjoy the car much. His hip joints were shot and it was hard on him to get in and out of a low to the ground vehicle.My legs are too short to comfortably drive the car. So, it just sits in the garage covered up. He has a couple of MGB cars in the back shed. Those were going to be his renovation, retirement projects. It makes me feel even sadder knowing his future dreams can no longer be his.

You are right. Nothing about this life is enjoyable or has meaning when the one person we wanted to share it all with is no longer here.We lost so much along with them.

Oh yes, we would indeed have had a bro-mance over cars! My dad did a complete restoration of a 69' Corvette and when I was 10 or so, he owned an orange MG.   So yeah, we'd have plenty to talk about. 

I imagine how hard it must be seeing those cars, they become monuments of sorts to dreams unfulfilled. The car I had bought for our "date" nights has become more than just a car. My wife rode in it one time, the day we traveled a combined 700 miles to pick it up. Needless to say, that car stays. I drive it sparingly, and it's a somber drive when I do. I love the car, but it's another dream that will never be realized. 

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4 hours ago, AceBasin said:

Andy, it is very encouraging to hear that you are doing these activities.

Everything I have read says that the most comfort another widower of widow can receive from friends is from another widower or widow. At our age, we are members of a very exclusive club, perhaps in the 1% range. 

I saw a post from another member today that said it all. He was fixing his 90+ year old grandmother's computer. She had been a widow for over 30 years and he needed her password. It was "alone."

I did something today and did not shed a tear. I needed a haircut. Rather than going to a familiar place, I drove to a small town that is well known for its revitalization. There is a barber shop that seems little unchanged (other than modern techniques) for 100 years. I spent an hour there. Haircut, hot towels, hot shaving cream, and strait razors. With unlimited time, I finally found an activity that took my mind off of things. I may go back next Saturday. 

I like that idea, going somewhere not familiar, kind of throwing yourself into something different. I can appreciate the idea. 

I'm doing things, it's just near impossible to connect again. God knows I'm trying. Losing my wife seems to have facilitated the loss of everything else. 

"Alone". That's such a depressing notion, after 30 years she still considered herself alone. The implications of that are too much to consider. 30 years, I can't do 30 years of this loneliness. 

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I found the "alone" password to be chilling. 

Loneliness is such a horrible thing. 

This weekend I am at our plantation (nothing from Gone with the Wind, just what this simple place has been called since circa 1700). I cannot see the lights of anyone's house. I could fire a shot and another human probably could not hear it. The stars are beautiful, I can see the Milky Way and wildlife is fascinating. I may see a shooting star.  I am not lonely at all. Tonight. I have lots of fun stuff to do even if it is trimming branches.

i declined a wonderful dinner invitation tomorrow because I did not want to leave here. I would feel more alone at a dinner table with a dozen people than here alone.

When  I go back to work in the city Monday I will feel very alone in the midst of perhaps nearly a million people in the metro area. 

You are right that a key may be doing different things. There were zero triggers associated with the old style barbershop. I will go back and do similar things. 

i am working on social activities but am careful about which ones I do. I spent too many years entertaining clients, events, speeches, receptions and parties to even want to be in the same area code of that stuff now.

perhaps a bad analogy but I feel like the high school senior who had to move 3000 miles with his or her transferred parents during Christmas break.

 

 

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Hugs Andy - your loss is still very new and I understand the future looking so empty and lonely.  I went through the same but now I try, and not always, but mostly succeed, in living in the given day.  I think it may have been at around six months after hubbys death, the dreaded thoughts on my long term outlook lost some power. 

 

I understand your statement, AceBasin - you'd feel more alone at a dinner table with a dozen people.  Sounds like you have a lovely spot.  The outdoors can be very healing.  The milky way was spectacular down my end of the world last night. 

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17 hours ago, KMB said:

That is a good point to make, KayC. As social beings, we need actual face to face interactions. We need to share activities and events with others to have actual friendships. I know people who tell me they have *hundreds* of friends, but I discover they mean on social media. Technology has played a huge part in how people interact. It is has always been appalling to me to see families in public texting each other instead of talking. Actively seeking out new friendships requires effort and perseverance.

Kmb, i agree not long after my loss i went to lunch with my sister and i couldnt take me eyes off a table, it was a couple probably in there thirtys and two boys aged about 10 and 6 and all  four of them was on their mobiles or tablets they never spoke a word to each other, i was so angry i wanted to scream at the parents to put their devices down and speak to their  kids, i wanted to tell them what had happened to me and how precious time is with the people that you love. My sister wouldnt let me interfere she didnt want me to cause a scene but it still angers me when i think about it. I also find it so rude when people are speaking to you or in your company and they text at same time, my daughter does it, i tell her off and all she says is thats what people do now mum, well it dosnt have to be what people do, in my opinion its rude. As for facebook to me its just a load of people  showing off, telling the world what they have got, trying to get one up on their so called friends, who cares about superficial, pretentious things, certainly not any of us on this sight, we have been dealt the most unimaginable pain of our loss, thats reality for us now to live with that loss, i have no interest in social media, sorry for the rant it just makes me so angry.

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21 hours ago, KMB said:

That is a good point to make, KayC. As social beings, we need actual face to face interactions. We need to share activities and events with others to have actual friendships. I know people who tell me they have *hundreds* of friends, but I discover they mean on social media. Technology has played a huge part in how people interact. It is has always been appalling to me to see families in public texting each other instead of talking. Actively seeking out new friendships requires effort and perseverance.

This whole statement is so true.  There's nothing like sitting across from someone, being able to look them in the eyes or get a hug.  Something about sharing a cuppa!  I miss that and need to work harder at establishing friendships.  I'm in a couple of groups, and that's good, but I need some one on one and just need to arrange it.

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I'm tying to Find places to go and things to see, now that I'm retired. I'm thinking I would like to take a trip once a month (1st thought: that should do it I hope).

So if any one is going anywhere and seeing some sights ( city or outdoors). Wouldn't It be nice to go and meet someone new at the same time?

Now this is a post I'm not sure about .  LOL

Kind of floating an idea..... so to speak.

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15 hours ago, Meesh said:

Kmb, i agree not long after my loss i went to lunch with my sister and i couldnt take me eyes off a table, it was a couple probably in there thirtys and two boys aged about 10 and 6 and all  four of them was on their mobiles or tablets they never spoke a word to each other, i was so angry i wanted to scream at the parents to put their devices down and speak to their  kids, i wanted to tell them what had happened to me and how precious time is with the people that you love. My sister wouldnt let me interfere she didnt want me to cause a scene but it still angers me when i think about it. I also find it so rude when people are speaking to you or in your company and they text at same time, my daughter does it, i tell her off and all she says is thats what people do now mum, well it dosnt have to be what people do, in my opinion its rude. As for facebook to me its just a load of people  showing off, telling the world what they have got, trying to get one up on their so called friends, who cares about superficial, pretentious things, certainly not any of us on this sight, we have been dealt the most unimaginable pain of our loss, thats reality for us now to live with that loss, i have no interest in social media, sorry for the rant it just makes me so angry.

Bravo! I'm with you, my daughter is the same, I told her that her phone was just another appendage she can't live without. She looks at me as if I've grown a third eye on my forehead. It is rude. Another symptom of the "look at me" world we're in. Smart phones my @$$. 

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There are actually people trained in neurology that are working with the smart phone companies to make checking the phones addictive. I could not locate the link, but a California company consulting in the area used a brain chemical as its name.

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33 minutes ago, AceBasin said:

There are actually people trained in neurology that are working with the smart phone companies to make checking the phones addictive. I could not locate the link, but a California company consulting in the area used a brain chemical as its name.

While that's a chilling thought, I'm not in the least surprised. I've always suspected there was a psychology involved with social networks and the devices that facilitate them. 

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10 minutes ago, Andy said:

While that's a chilling thought, I'm not in the least surprised. I've always suspected there was a psychology involved with social networks and the devices that facilitate them. 

They appear to be advancing the use of the devices and networks through reinforcement related to dopamine. 

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