AKmama2011

2 years and I still have feelings of anger

2 posts in this topic

I am new to this support group and I'm hoping just talking it out will help. A little backstory... I lost my mom 2 years ago in Feb to lung cancer. I live in Alaska with my husband and kids. Almost 3 years ago in June 2014 my mom decided to move to Alaska to help me with my kids and be around us as we were her only family. She was living out of state. When she came up, she moved in with me while she looked for a place to stay, got a job etc. She went to the dr. in August 2014. Due to a cough she had and a history ofor melanoma years ago she was sent for a x-ray. Spots were found so she was sent for a biopsy. The results.. stage IV lung cancer that had spread to the brain. This was devastating and changed her whole plan. Before it was decided that she would still stay in AK with me and my family it was discussed with my husband many times. I wanted to be sure that he was ok with all of this as stage IV cancer is a difficult journey and when it came time she would be at home with us. Alaska does not have any type of hospice outside of the home. He agreed. About a month into things his attitude changed. He had a job that required him to be gone 2 weeks at a time. While he was gone we would talk on the phone but it never seemed like enough. He always made me feel guilty about taking my mom to her appointments, spending time with her or spending time with my kids. When he was home it was no better. It would last a day before the guilt trips, name calling and arguing started. He left a few times as well and threatened divorce. It wasn't until after my mom passed that I told him I wanted a divorce. I had felt utterly abandoned and left to deal with the most painful thing in my life. He begged me to give him 6 months to prove he was sorry. It's now been a year and a half and we are still married. He has tried. We still have out problems but that is also fromantic many years previously og emotional abuse. My problem is that I do not love him and my feelings for him have not returned. I am still angry with him and really do not want to continue in our marraige. If I bring it up it yet gets turned around on me. (I can admit I have not been the greatest wife over the years as well) As much as I want to separate a part of me feels like the "bad" one since he is trying but it honestly has not made a diffrence in how I feel. I guess my question is.. am I holding a grudge or are my feelings understandable? I feel betrayed and abandoned and I have no trust. The one time in my marriage I asked for support in dealing with the most painful thing I have been through and I was treated horribly and made to feel guilty for spending time with my dying mother and making sure my children were ok as well. Is this a feeling I will get over as the grief of my mother being gone fades? Or is it really time I call it quits and move on? 

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Oh wow! I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, and I think there is no excuse for the behavior of your husband during that time. I am no expert, but I'm not sure I could "get over" his abuse during that time. Perhaps an actual marriage counselor could help  you sort through your feelings. 

So, is he a good father? Is he emotionally supportive of them? Does he fight/argue/abuse you in front of them? If he is emotionally abusive to you or them,  then he isn't a good father, so that's goes in the negative column. 

What are you gaining from the relationship? Support? Encouragement? Sounds like you aren't getting anything. 

Have you told him you are angry and can't get over how he behaved? What is his response? 

You do have a lot on your plate to think of. Do you have other family to talk with? Friends? 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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