Members KC81 Posted April 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 I used to blog before I met her, during the 18 months healing from an unexpected, difficult loss of the previous relationship. I stopped blogging within a month of meeting her, I switched to posting happy photos of us on social media because Life was perfect. It was perfect for the 6.5 years of our lives together, from when I was 28, to when I was 35, two months after the happiest moment of my life, the birth of our baby boy. I try to focus my Facebook posts to be positive, especially focusing on the growth of and experiences with our son. I have a memorial Fb page for my wife, which has a lot of following, including the media. I choose not to vent my grief there, since it's supposed to be a Page honoring her life. I do not want my raw grief to overtake the true purpose of the Page. I created a private Fb group of my core friends and supports to allow me to vent my grief, and keep me safe. I wanted enough people to understand how I feel. When I created that group I thought, if I end up not able to survive this, at least I want to be understood. I wanted her story to be heard. I wanted our story to be heard. I wanted my story to be heard. I wanted our son to know how his mom lived, loved, suffered from illness, and died. I wanted our son to know how his dad lived, loved, suffered from grief, and chose to live as long as he could before he died. Sometime last week, I decided I don't want to bother those friends with everything that's on my mind all the time, So I started blogging again. To see this from a positive light, this is another outlet for my emotional anguish. This is a place for my mind to scream to the world to listen. This is a place for healing; and as I heal, I may help others too. To see this from a darker light, this is my Note. She did not leave a note. I must leave a damn good one for the both of us - whichever way I die. This is the raw material, the starting point of my memoir. I must document how I lived. This is my first post: *************************************************************** I will not die by suicide. I choose not to die by suicide. At the very least not anytime in the foreseeable future. Even though my great love of this lifetime had transitioned forth before me. Even though my heart has a gaping hole that has been bleeding for the last 5 months. I choose to stay alive. The pain is almost unbearable. (Well, if the pain is truly unbearable, I wouldn't be here typing this) The pain is like a drill penetrating my heart, Tearing away the fabric of my reality Demolishing the foundation of my psyche. Each memory is a painful reminder of our near-perfect life together. This is agonizing. If I let it be. But this PAIN reminds me I'm ALIVE. This is the first time I think of it this way. It may seem a little bit masochistic. But wow, that was pain unlike any I've felt before. Just like that was love unlike any I've felt before. I am Alive in this pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted April 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 17 hours ago, KC81 said: I am Alive in this pain. I think we all are and that's the thing about pain - it demands to be felt. Someday, maybe your scars will heal; that doesn't mean the pain will. The first person that you think of in the morning and the last person you think of in the night is either the cause of your happiness or the cause of your pain. Pain changes you, it makes you trust less, overthink more and shut others out. Pain is when you're dying on the inside and you're way too weak to speak about it so you keep silent and suffer alone while it eats away your insides. You are unsure which pain is worse - the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will. Your pain may just be an opportunity for you to learn about yourself; Pain is real, but so is.....H-Hold; O=On; P=Pain; E=Ends I pray your PAIN ends real soon and you find HOPE in your heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 4, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 You do a beautiful job of conveying your feelings in your writing. I wish I could have done that but my raw feelings are not so poetic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted April 4, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 KC81, I wanted to respond to your emotional post. I cannot find any words. It touched my heart. Your blogging will leave a great legacy of love for others to read, learn from and give peace and hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KC81 Posted April 4, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 Dear Francine, KayC, and KMB. Thank you so much for taking your time to respond to my post. It's reflexive and automatic to think Why is life so unfair, Why does the Universe take our great love away from us so early. And in my case, Why did she get so sick at the supposedly happiest time of our lives, at the culmination of the creation of a new life, from our love. Why did she leave? I know the "medical" why, and as a medical professional, I truly do. But Why her? I know the emotional and spiritual path for me to follow, in order to survive, and to embrace the remainder of my life as she would have wished me to, is the path of pursuit of spiritual peace and inner happiness. I also wish to continue to help others, not just via my job as a medical professional, but also via traditional media, social media, public speaking, teaching healthcare students, writing a memoir, starting a fundraiser / scholarship program, etc. I want my life to make a difference. I want our suffering to contribute positively to others, whether to prevent similar tragedies from happening, or to help the other young widow/ers and suicide survivors. I hope my soul will grow from the trials and tribulations. I know she is always there for me on the other side. I'll see her again, but not just yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted April 4, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 45 minutes ago, KC81 said: I hope my soul will grow from the trials and tribulations. I know she is always there for me on the other side. I'll see her again, but not just yet. This is so true; For me, I would only change one thing and that is "I KNOW my soul....." . I only hope the others on this forum believe this as well. Thank you so much for that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 5, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted April 5, 2017 19 hours ago, KC81 said: hope my soul will grow from the trials and tribulations. I know she is always there for me on the other side. I'll see her again, but not just yet. We can know with a certainty that this is true. I have learned more on the 12 years of this journey than in the rest of my life combined, it has been rich yet the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Knowing we will be with them again makes all the difference in the world! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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