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Stace1984

Guilt is destroying me - Lost my partner of over 14 years

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Zara19---The mind thinks in weird ways. We are in such emotional torture that causes us to think we can have our loved ones back, if we do something different. I think similar as you. If I suffer long enough, will the powers that be, send him back? If I de-clutter the house and keep it spic and span, will I get my husband back? The emotional torture causes you to feel hopeless and helpless. My husband, Ed, turned 69 in March last year. Up until the 1st week of February, he was still working part time to help out with his social security retirement benefits. He loved his job and never wanted to quit .But, his legs were giving out on him.He declined quickly after having to give up his job. Emotionally, mentally, that might have put more pressure on his heart. He had to give up so many things he enjoyed over the years. He didn't deserve the unfairness of what life had dealt to him.

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Zara19--- Thank you, but not necessary. I still struggle with the medical stuff. I should just let it go. It doesn't change anything. But, with 3 doctors saying my husband had 2 or 3 more years, you get angry. You get upset. You feel cheated. You place your hope and faith in the medical staff. My husband lost and I lost.

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KMB  - I agree wholeheartedly, but if you are like me your soul won't let it go, it gets carried wth us.  It fester's and I have got quite bitter - which I don't like.  It's probably not in either of our natures to be questioning or badgering the professionals but I would now.  I am 51 and yes my Husband was 20 years older but in fact he had more life in him than me.  Well, I should stop now as my bitterness is getting the better of me.

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zara---We could go in circles with our thoughts all day long. It is not worth it. Nothing will bring our spouses back. My husband was 12 years older than I. I turned 57 a few weeks after he passed. I never acknowledged my birthday, that day, and never will again. I'm going to wait----wait and get through day by day until I am able to join him again. I am so sorry for the loss of your Dennis. We both may be younger than our spouses, but this grieving is taking its toll in so many ways. (HUGS)

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21 hours ago, KMB said:

I am feeling worse as each day goes by, more lonely, sad and depressed. Is this normal? It's  been a little over 7 months. 

Yes, this is normal.  They say six months is the roughest time, but it can hit at five months, seven months, it's when shock wears off and reality sets in.  We feel it more, we begin to see what our existence will be like without them.  But you will adjust and the pain's intensity will dull, if that's any consolation.  For people to think we're doing "fine" is ludicrous but they seem only to see the mask we put on when we go out the door...the mask we wear so they don't engage us in stupid conversation.  The hardest part is living without our spouse, but the next seems to be dealing with people and the stupid things they say or expect.

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22 hours ago, KMB said:

Francine, Zara, KayC---We all need prayers. We all need to be with our spouses. I am feeling worse as each day goes by, more lonely, sad and depressed. Is this normal? It's  been a little over 7 months.  It just occurred to me that the ex from my early first marriage is still alive. He is still a jerk, doesn't care about anyone. He has health conditions. Doesn't contribute to humanity in any way. Sits in his house watching movies. Why is he still here? My husband was helping people right up through his last week. Why is he gone?

I have been crying so much more lately. I try to concentrate on one chore per day. A goal for the day. A friend of my husband stopped for a quick chat on his way home. He is in his mid 70's and was told he is diabetic. He had questions, since he knew my husband was diabetic. I tried to stay positive and gave the best advice I could. Considering his age and other health conditions, I pray for the best for him. He is one of two mutual friends left in my life. I hate the thought of being totally alone someday when eventually, everyone we knew is in Heaven except for me.

Why is it that God takes the good ones and the ones not worth s__t, for lack of a better word, let's say 'crap' manages to live long lives?  I would like to think that God wants the best also.  We can only see life through the small window of the time we are living now; God sees the entire picture and never takes our loved ones away to be cruel, but to enlighten us for something better.  While I can't possibly imagine anything better than having my Charles in my life, God has a reason for allowing things to happen.  I may never understand HIS wisdom, but I simply have to trust HIS will.

Same here with the crying; my hardest time is at night. I don't feel I'm alone because loneliness is always with me. I didn't realize how lonely I was until the end of the day and I have a bunch of things to talk about and no one to talk to. Normally, that someone was Charles.  I love and miss that man so much - my eyes are swelling as I post this.  

I'm glad you were there for your friend; but know you are not totally alone; we are all here for you.  I feel a special bond holds us all together and no matter what,as different as we are, we will forever be connected. One day, we'll see each other on the other side of the stars and won't it be amazing.   Until then, we'll be here to comfort encourage and uplift one another.

You know you're always in my prayers.  Stay Strong and God Bless!

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KayC--Thank you. I know that reality is sinking in more. It hurts so much. No where to go with the hurt except feel it, acknowledge and accept. My heart doesn't want to accept.

Francine---When I talk to God, I ask questions. If He wants the best, why am I left here? I was my best when I was with my husband. My husband was his best with being with me. I hope I get answers when it is my turn.

I do most of my crying at night also. At the end of the day, it was always hubby and I, dog and cat in the bed. I felt such contentment and love for our little family.

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Just want to share my favorite quote. Really helped me see losing Pat from a whole different perspective. 

"I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you, but then I realized you spent the rest of yours with me."  

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Francine---When I talk to God, I ask questions. If He wants the best, why am I left here? I was my best when I was with my husband. My husband was his best with being with me. I hope I get answers when it is my turn.

I know your question and have asked God the same one. I think God has placed us both in this very moment for a reason (don't know why, and its not for me to know). Sometimes, and believe me I know how difficult it is, we have to stop worrying, wondering and doubting.  We must believe that things will work out, maybe not how we planned, but just how they're meant to be. HE will make everything right, at the right place and right time; HE will answer us when we least expect it.  Hang in there.

 

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21 hours ago, KMB said:

No where to go with the hurt except feel it, acknowledge and accept. My heart doesn't want to accept.

Accepting loss does not equate with thinking it's an okay thing to have happened.  We don't have to be okay with it.  Just realize it happened.  Denial is normal, but not to stay in continually.  Acceptance is a term I don't like because it implies something it is not.  I prefer the term "realization" which helps us past denial, it's a processing, an absorption of reality that helps us begin our adjustment, which is necessary for our well being.  Even the word healing can be misleading, as we may heal but that doesn't mean the pain is ever completely gone.  They say we live with a scar but it might be kind of an open wound too.  It's not with the excruciating pain we lived with at the beginning, but there continues to be that sadness, the missing them, like a dull ache that never quite goes away.

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21 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Just want to share my favorite quote. Really helped me see losing Pat from a whole different perspective. 

"I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you, but then I realized you spent the rest of yours with me."  

I like that.

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