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missingwillow

4 months today

5 posts in this topic

Hello, I'm new here. I lost my mom 4 months ago today, officially on 11/15/16. She was in a chemical coma for a week before that. I miss my mommy so much. I know that sounds childish but that's what I called and call her. She was 51 years old, and on 11/16 my dad turned 53, on 11/19 I turned 30. We buried her the day before Thanksgiving. Their 31st wedding anniversary was 11/2. I am utterly devastated. My life is built around my mom, my dad, and my grandma (her mom). I feel like one of the great pillars that holds me up has crumbled from beneath me. She had Parkinsons that was deteriorating rapidly but, this early was still a surprise. A 4:30 AM phone call, show up to see the Code Blue team standing around a bed with my mother's motionless yet living body laying on it with her head turned away from me.

I miss her so much. I want her back and I know I can't have her back. I wish I could hear her voice, her real voice one more time. The Parkinsons starting taking her voice years ago. She even had bilateral DBS done, but it bought us a lot less time than we thought.

Mommy, if you can read this from where you are, your little girl loves you and misses you. I feel lost and broken without you. I wish I could go back in time. But if wishes were fishes, then no one would starve.

I was there visiting just that night before. We watched an Eagles game, she loved football and was always amused at how confused it made me. I fed her some ice cream. At the end, she couldn't even use her hands to eat and I could barely understand her speech which broke my heart into pieces. Before getting sick, her favorite hobbies were gardening, going shopping for plants or thrift shops, driving, and when she was in high school, a record-setting hurdler and track star. She deserved so much better than the life she struggled and fought every step through, but she did teach me how to be strong. Funny how this would be the kind of time I'd need to lean on her the most.

I'm sorry if this was too long or rambly...it's kind of nice to talk about her like this, remember her.

Thanks for reading

-mw

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@missingwillow, I am very sorry about your mother's death. Please accept my deepest condolences. Your mom was way too young to die. I hear you. Even if you are 30, you still need her much. 

Please be kind and gentle to yourself. I also lost my mother last fall and this week has been particularly hard for me. Maybe it's because I am visiting my dad and I just can't believe she's gone. I also really miss her and I don't want to think about the perspective of my life. I don't want to go on without her.

We have to hang in there, even if it's painful. Take care.

 

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Dear missingwillow,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know this is a very difficult time. Losing a parent at any age is a terrible shock. I know the pain and sorrow is unbearable. Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can. Thinking of you. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

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Thank you both for your comforting words. I am really having a lot of trouble coping. I try to think of happy memories then the images of her in the ICU, with the tubes, the machines, flash into my head. Holding her hand as she slowly stopped breathing. I visited her one Sunday night, said goodnight, and she never woke up. She just never woke up. I'm alone a lot of the time now. I wish I wasn't but I don't really have many friends. Despite medication I can't sleep sometimes (It's 6:20 AM here, I haven't slept yet). I have never gone this long without at least hearing her voice on the phone. When I was in college she used to mail me little care packages every month, and would make the 4 hour drive to visit for a weekend. I have never known life without her. I feel like my boyfriend is getting tired of how sad I am all the time. My dad is so busy with his new girlfriend (yes, that's not helping me cope much) and his job and other stuff I barely see him. I feel like I'm unnecessary. I'm so tired of fighting.

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@missingwillow, everything you say sounds so familiar. I have a lot of trouble sleeping, too, yet I don't want to depend on medication. So I try to take a short walk before nightime and I also plan on taking evening yoga classes. 

This is incredible how we still function without our moms. I have very different days - one day she seems like a mirage, like she never existed, and I seem to accept she's not her. Then, the other day I can see her silouette and hear her voice so very clearly that it is impossible to believe she's dead. 

We have no other choice than to bear with it. I often feel so sorry for myself that I have to go and enjoy life in my 30s without my mom. I mean 30s are supposed to be fun. And now... Take care. 

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