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Mrsviden

I just don't know...

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Mrsviden   

Today I ran met up with an old friend and what I'm about to tell you will make sense why I haven't spoken to her in so long...

we met up she asked me the normal questions, how are you, what you been up to, things like that. I replied with I'm ok, been busy with college, not much of anything else. She mentioned how tired I looked and I said yeah well I don't sleep very much, my mind races at all times and quite frankly grieving is exhausting. What she said next was "or maybe you're just bipolar" she said I see your posts on Facebook. I decided to let it go because again maybe she didn't mean anything harsh by it. She then said Cody, it's been 2 months don't you think it's time to move on? 

TWO MONTHS PEOPLE! I will never stop grieving over my husband, I will never move on from the love we shared together.

She gets to go home to her husband every day and sleep next to him, she doesn't have to wait on signs to know her husband is with her or thinking of her or missing her. She doesn't know what it feels like to wake up every single day and feel like you can't move. I'm so sick and tired of us grievers having to give these people a pass, but I'm too exhausted and fragile to stand up to them. 

Im so tired of people saying they don't mean to hurt us when in fact they don't try their hardest not to. To say I may be bipolar because I'm not sleeping much..

Every day I have to tell myself that my husband isn't just on a business trip and will be home st the end of the week, he's not coming back and that thought is excruciating. 

Im tired of going out into public and I get hurt this way every time. I'm tired of being told to move on and be with someone to start a family with. I had a family and that was him now that is shattered. Those dreams of having children are shattered because I'll never see him be a daddy. Im tired of people talking to me or about my husband like he never existed. Im just so tired. 

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Francine   

Cody,

Some people just say the 'dumbest' things.  You might want to think about relabeling her to maybe 'my former friend'.  People need to learn that their actions do affect other people and that they need to be careful what they say and do.  The ugliest thing that I have ever seen is a human being without compassion.  Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people.  If they care about you, they'll notice; if they don't, you'll notice.

40 minutes ago, Mrsviden said:

Im tired of going out into public and I get hurt this way every time. I'm tired of being told to move on and be with someone to start a family with. I had a family and that was him now that is shattered. Those dreams of having children are shattered because I'll never see him be a daddy. Im tired of people talking to me or about my husband like he never existed. Im just so tired. 

You are going through enough and shouldn't be made to endure such comments.  I would say, (but I'm not suggesting you say this) "you know what, I think that was insensitive; I'd asked you to stop being 'stupid' without considering how incredibly difficult that might be for you'.   That was bad,  :angry: but so were her comments.

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Mrsviden   

Francine: 

its obviously just something I'm slowly figuring out about people really are, that everyone isn't caring. 

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Mrsviden,

im so sorry to read your words. And I'm sorry as this is a fast reply I've not even found the forum to introduce myself yet, I've been searching for a good forum for days and your post came up.  Anyway I want to say hello.  I lost my husband of 32 years last week. He died very suddenly at work and I'm still watching and waiting for him to come home. I feel very alone as you must do too. I have people around me that are talking weddings and all things happy, which is fine and I'm not jealous I just wish people would be more sensitive. 

Just want to shut myself away with him, he was my best friend too.

Im tired of pretending all is ok.

, I feel very vulnerable   

i cannot believe my husband will not be coming home again. It feels as though he is away at the moment and next week I can talk to him and catch up with everything that's happened.

i understand your pain

sending a hug xxx

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fzald   

Mrsviden,

I feel so horribly for you. What a horrible thing to say, to suggest you have a psychological disorder and then tell you that you should be over it by now???

I consider myself about 2 months into my loss. It's more like a month and a half but it was a good week between when I saw her last and when she passed, so I've decided for me the date my loss started was the last day I saw her. And I am absolutely nowhere near "over it". I never will be. I will not be over it in 3 months. I will not be over it in 6 months. I will not be over it in a year. I will NEVER be "over it". Ever.

I also know how you feel. Other people get to come home and see their partners every day. They still get to call them, text them, be with them, share the world with them, love them, be loved by them. They don't have to deal with this kind of pain. They don't have to wish and hope and pray for an afterlife, they have their Heaven right here on Earth. They don't have to go crazy wondering if that flickering light or random bird in the yard or  intense dream or suddenly misplaced item found is a sign from the one they love. They get to touch them, hold them, hug them, kiss them, make love to them, all of the things that we used to be able to do. I doubt this "friend" of yours would be reacting quite so crass if she herself lost her husband suddenly far too soon. 

Up until two months ago, this was me. I wasn't insensitive, but I didn't understand the true depth that grief can sink to. I had losses, yes, my best friend from childhood, my dad, my grandparents, my pets. But every major loss I suffered happened while I was in a good relationship. Many of them happened when I was with my girl who died. Having that pillar of support made grieving "easier". I had a source of unwavering and unconditional support. I had a source of reassurance for the future I wanted. My dad was older, so for him things like "he would have loved..." did help me, because I was able to, eventually and relatively quickly, realize that his life was complete, he was happy with the life he had lived, and while of course he wanted it to be for longer with my mom, he would not be missing a lost future, but would be celebrating a well lived life. But my girl, dying at the tender young age of 22? All I feel for her is sorrow, pain and loss. For her even more than for me. 

Like you I wanted to build a family with my girl. I wanted to marry her. I wanted to live life with her. I wanted to raise kids together. I wanted to grow old happy and in love. Everything was laid out for us, and it was so great. I would have given her anything. No matter what happens to me, she herself will never be mother to my children, she will never be my wife, she will never get to travel the world with me, she will never get to see my accomplishments and share hers with me. She is gone forever. Her loss is even greater than mine. I still have the option (but not the desire right now) to keep living that life we wanted. But I can't do it with her. But she lost the chance to even try. I cry for her even more than for me. How is it fair... not just to me, but to her?

I am so sorry you were treated so insensitively. We're not going to tell you what to do, but consider if you still want to be close to this person. You could say something if you wanted, but try your best not to take the low ground. Express your feelings and see what happens. Or do nothing. Only do what you can handle. Don't force anything. You are the one grieving, this has to be about what you need now. But also know we here do understand how you feel, and nobody here would ever say something like that to you. We all know the agony of grief, and we all know how painful it is to lose a soulmate. It's not OK, it will never be OK, and nobody should expect you to be OK especially after only two months. I may not be OK even by the time a year rolls around, how would I even be close to OK only after two months?

Good luck. Hugs

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Mrsviden   
14 minutes ago, JustExisting. said:

Mrsviden,

im so sorry to read your words. And I'm sorry as this is a fast reply I've not even found the forum to introduce myself yet, I've been searching for a good forum for days and your post came up.  Anyway I want to say hello.  I lost my husband of 32 years last week. He died very suddenly at work and I'm still watching and waiting for him to come home. I feel very alone as you must do too. I have people around me that are talking weddings and all things happy, which is fine and I'm not jealous I just wish people would be more sensitive. 

Just want to shut myself away with him, he was my best friend too.

Im tired of pretending all is ok.

, I feel very vulnerable   

i cannot believe my husband will not be coming home again. It feels as though he is away at the moment and next week I can talk to him and catch up with everything that's happened.

i understand your pain

sending a hug xxx

It is with deep heartache that I welcome you to this club. I hope you find it to be therapeutic for you and know that everyone on here is to help one another through the bad times as well as the good. I'm very sorry for your loss, my husband of 12 years passed away 2 months ago and most days it feels as if happened yesterday. 

I have a couple friends getting married soon and although I know it's a happy time for me it brings up the day I married my husband and just how happy we were and how much I wish we had gotten more time. Isn't that what we all wish for though? More time...

i still feel very vulnerable and it's been 2 months...

hugs and prayers to you

mrsviden

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fzald   

JustAlone,

We all understand your pain. We know the feeling of heartbreak, of losing the one you love so deeply that they make even the worst parts of life worth living. I didn't even get the chance to get married because my girlfriend and I were waiting for the "right time", like when we got permanent jobs and had our finances in order. Now I wish more than anything I had tied that knot. 

But like you I have the feeling that it's a temporary state, that she will eventually come back and i'll have loads to tell her. I feel like someday we will go out to our favorite restaurant and we will sit there for hours until the manager makes us leave just talking and catching up. And then I remember it's never going to happen because she's gone forever from this world. 

We used to talk of death sometimes conceptually, like "what would you do, or how would you handle things, if you knew I was dying? Vice versa?" But neither of us expected it to be real. She died so suddenly, so young, so tragically. I had almost 6 wonderful years with her as her boyfriend, and I was ready for 60 more years as her life partner. Instead I got to go to her funeral and say my final goodbyes. The last time we spoke she said she'd see me next week. I did see her next week - in the casket, all life gone from her beautiful form. Nothing left. Only tears and emptiness.

Please do write out your story whenever you're ready. We're here to listen. None of us wants to be here. But here we are. We have no choice but to get through it. I guess we may as well do our best... 

hugs

 

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Mrsviden   

Fzald: 

when these people hurt me, I find it hard to actually say something just because I'm so hurt already. I find that I have no energy to stand up to them so I just shut down. 

I don't understand why we didn't get to have the 50,60 plus years together, why did we only have 12. Is there something else I could've done to help him? I'm thankful that we got 12 to make some amazing memories, but that simply wasn't enough time. We talked about building our dream home, retiring, moving outside of town and sitting on the porch swing just talking. There's so much I want to tell him face to face instead of me just talking and praying he is listening to me. 

I liked when you said she doesn't have to wonder if the suddenly misplaced item or bird in your yard is a sign, most of the time I tell myself no it's not, that it couldn't be. I hate the not knowing. I hate not knowing if he still loves me, or if he is proud of me. I just simply hate everything. I don't feel like it's fair for me to be 22 years old picking out the casket I want my husband to be in forever. When I really want him in our bed, in our house, I just want him with me again. 

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I hate that too. I get it all the time. Today, I posted on my husband's facebook just saying "I hate you!" And someone also tried to say something along those lines to me. I just told her it's none of her business and walked away. Or sometimes, I look at them like are you really stupid to say all of this. Give them a dirty look until they realize how much of a fool they were to say what they did. I snap at times. My eyes open wide and my voice gets louder. This way, they leave me alone. I only do this to the very ignorant ones though. 

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KayC   

Mrsviden,

I hope if you ever see this person again that you will retort to them, "Boy, you really need educated!"  because that's what it boils down to, she's very ignorant.  Not sure I'd want a friend that bad, good grief!  That is so cruel and inhumane, I don't know how you sat through your time with her.

Grief does not equal Bipolar.  Grief does not need medicated, it needs processed, bourne, adjusted to, and learned to live with.  And even then it's damned hard!  If anyone doubts that, they should try it!  People never cease to amaze me, guess that's why I got a dog, they don't say stupid things, they just come up to you and look concerned or give you a kiss or distract you with their antics.  People...

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Zara19   
12 hours ago, JustExisting. said:

Mrsviden,

im so sorry to read your words. And I'm sorry as this is a fast reply I've not even found the forum to introduce myself yet, I've been searching for a good forum for days and your post came up.  Anyway I want to say hello.  I lost my husband of 32 years last week. He died very suddenly at work and I'm still watching and waiting for him to come home. I feel very alone as you must do too. I have people around me that are talking weddings and all things happy, which is fine and I'm not jealous I just wish people would be more sensitive. 

Just want to shut myself away with him, he was my best friend too.

Im tired of pretending all is ok.

, I feel very vulnerable   

i cannot believe my husband will not be coming home again. It feels as though he is away at the moment and next week I can talk to him and catch up with everything that's happened.

i understand your pain

sending a hug xxx

Hello JustExisting

I'm so sorry to have read about your devastating loss, to be able to find the strength to post after such a shocking and traumatic time is truly remarkable.  I lost my Husband 22 weeks ago, it was anticipated but sudden and even now I cannot process things or comprehend this is happening.  I keep thinking this is only a temporary measure although logic says it isn't.  If you feel you ay need counselling further down the line put your name forward for CRUSE one-to-one.  They won't see you for a while and you may not even need it but it's an option in the future.  I belong to two forums, the other being The Sue Ryder online community UK and although ultimately we have this to do on our own it does help to know others have and do endure similar pain as us and yet manage to cope somehow.  Don't take on anything that's not essential and just get by as best you can.  I'm sorry I cannot be more positive but I do send warmest regards and heartfelt empathy.

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Mrsviden   

KayC: 

honestly, I couldn't even tell you. I drove over two hours to see her and then that's how she treated me. So then I had two hours to drive home and think how if joe was here I would've never came over here, I would be at home fixing supper, waiting on him to walk through the door. If joe was here he'd say "don't worry about them baby, you've got me" 

people that say these hurtful things don't realize how losing your spouse changes you. Before my husband died I cleaned all day everyday never had anything left out, now there's cabinet doors open, clothes on the floor, clothes in the dryer, floors need to be mopped, and the sad part about it is I don't even care that this stuff needs to be done I look at this mess and think of how different I really am now. I just miss my husband, I miss my best friend, and it's not fair people can say these things and have no remorse. 

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KayC   

It changes how we view things.  Somehow a clean house doesn't seem as important as it used to...in the grand scheme of things we think, what does it matter?  Not to mention the lack of motivation and feeling depressed (which isn't to be confused with chemical imbalanced based depression).  Grief is exhausting!  I'm just sorry your "friend" was so inappropriate in her response to you.

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Herc   

Mrsviden,

I am really starting to feel badly about some of our early conversations.  I never meant to imply that you have to put up with this kind of behavior, that you always need to turn the other cheek, or that you have to give people a pass.  I frequently do because that helps me in my grief, or more accurately, because of some of my anger issues a confrontation would not help me.  It may not be the same for you.  Further, some of the comments you have relayed are beyond the normal.  Even with my philosophy on it, I think I would have taken issue with some of those you have told us about, and may have told the people in question that what they said was hurtful, wrong, and rude beyond words.

If there are personal attacks such as saying you have a mental illness, or even telling you how you are supposed to grieve such as with "you need to move on", you are perfectly justified in telling them to go fly a kite, and not necessarily in terms as friendly as that.  I choose to view such individuals as being emotionally handicapped.  They are unaware of how hurtful what they are saying is.  As a result, the words honestly don't bother me in most cases.  If the words bother you, and you want to tell them so, there is nothing wrong with that.  We are all going through more than enough, and don't need continued emotional abuse from "friends" who haven't actually put forth the effort to truly understand the emotional distress we are in.  I am sorry if anything I said influenced your decision with these people negatively, and hope you find some true compassion from them in the near future,

Herc

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Mrsviden   
1 hour ago, KayC said:

It changes how we view things.  Somehow a clean house doesn't seem as important as it used to...in the grand scheme of things we think, what does it matter?  Not to mention the lack of motivation and feeling depressed (which isn't to be confused with chemical imbalanced based depression).  Grief is exhausting!  I'm just sorry your "friend" was so inappropriate in her response to you.

Thank you for understanding, no one is here but me so I look at it as why clean when it's just me. Maybe someday I'll get that part of me back. 

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Mrsviden   
19 minutes ago, Herc said:

Mrsviden,

I am really starting to feel badly about some of our early conversations.  I never meant to imply that you have to put up with this kind of behavior, that you always need to turn the other cheek, or that you have to give people a pass.  I frequently do because that helps me in my grief, or more accurately, because of some of my anger issues a confrontation would not help me.  It may not be the same for you.  Further, some of the comments you have relayed are beyond the normal.  Even with my philosophy on it, I think I would have taken issue with some of those you have told us about, and may have told the people in question that what they said was hurtful, wrong, and rude beyond words.

If there are personal attacks such as saying you have a mental illness, or even telling you how you are supposed to grieve such as with "you need to move on", you are perfectly justified in telling them to go fly a kite, and not necessarily in terms as friendly as that.  I choose to view such individuals as being emotionally handicapped.  They are unaware of how hurtful what they are saying is.  As a result, the words honestly don't bother me in most cases.  If the words bother you, and you want to tell them so, there is nothing wrong with that.  We are all going through more than enough, and don't need continued emotional abuse from "friends" who haven't actually put forth the effort to truly understand the emotional distress we are in.  I am sorry if anything I said influenced your decision with these people negatively, and hope you find some true compassion from them in the near future,

Herc

Nothing you said influenced my decision to not stand up. I feel as if I'm scared to stand up because I don't want to hurt their feelings although they hurt mine, does that make any sense at all? Another reason is I have no energy and it's just easier to roll your eyes and not say anything. But it hurts so much when I really sit down and think about it. 

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Herc   

Mrsviden,

It makes perfect sense, and I am so sorry you are hurting more.  I'm glad I didn't influence you that way.  Hoping you find friends who give you warm hugs instead of cold words,

(((hug))) Herc

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Mrsviden   
17 minutes ago, Herc said:

Mrsviden,

It makes perfect sense, and I am so sorry you are hurting more.  I'm glad I didn't influence you that way.  Hoping you find friends who give you warm hugs instead of cold words,

(((hug))) Herc

Thank you Herc 

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KMB   

Mrsviden----Sending a huge HUG your way.

I've been going through some sad times and have done my share of ranting today. In fact, I was very tempted to make up a sign to put out at the end of the driveway. *To all of you neighbors who used to stop in here, when you do your drivebys, please refrain from staring at the house. If you cannot find it in your heart to pull in and have a chat like we used to, keep your eyes on the road ahead*.

If it was possible for our loved ones to return, my husband would be extremely upset/angry at how our so-called friends, neighbors and his own children have been so neglectful of me. I know for a fact that he told his own son that if something did happen, to come over, keep me company, ask if I need anything. His son lives next door. he comes over for 10 minutes every other month. It is an obligatory visit and I'm thankful for that little bit.  I'm emotionally and mentally wrung out. I could push for more interaction, but I don't want people to think they are being forced into it. If they cannot give of themselves, so be it.

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Mrsviden   
42 minutes ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden----Sending a huge HUG your way.

I've been going through some sad times and have done my share of ranting today. In fact, I was very tempted to make up a sign to put out at the end of the driveway. *To all of you neighbors who used to stop in here, when you do your drivebys, please refrain from staring at the house. If you cannot find it in your heart to pull in and have a chat like we used to, keep your eyes on the road ahead*.

If it was possible for our loved ones to return, my husband would be extremely upset/angry at how our so-called friends, neighbors and his own children have been so neglectful of me. I know for a fact that he told his own son that if something did happen, to come over, keep me company, ask if I need anything. His son lives next door. he comes over for 10 minutes every other month. It is an obligatory visit and I'm thankful for that little bit.  I'm emotionally and mentally wrung out. I could push for more interaction, but I don't want people to think they are being forced into it. If they cannot give of themselves, so be it.

My heart absolutely breaks for you. I would want to put the sign in my front yard too, make it like billboard size!!!  I too believe if my husband were to come back he would be furious to how his family has not only treated him but me, his wife. Four days before my husband passed he tried calling his sister who didn't want to talk to him, one because she wasn't on the 401k paper work and two because I allowed him to have visitors from work. She didn't return his phone calls, and the last time he spoke to her was FaceTime and he said sis when you coming see me and she said well I don't have to really I can see you this way and that's kind of the same thing. When I called her to let her know her brother passed away she said yeah I figured he'd die as soon as he got home, and she said just so you know he didn't die of leukemia it was because of a broken heart because your such a b****. And that was the last time I ever heard from her. 

After the insurance and stuff was sorted out we found out he did have her on half of a life insurance policy so the funeral home tried calling her she wouldn't return their calls. In the meantime I sent all of his sisters folders from the funeral and some other personal items from the funeral and viewing, the sister who called me a b**** refused my package, so out of anger I sent her a text saying that the package she just rejected was some things from her brothers funeral and that call she keeps getting is to let her know she is on an insurance policy. 

Low and behold she returned the package and called the funeral home demanding information on how to get the half of the insurance policy. 

None of his family showed up, they claimed I made the arrangements too soon, he passed away Sunday, the viewing was Tuesday and the funeral was Wednesday. One lives in Florida, one lives in Mississippi, the other in Minnesota. Now if it were my brother I would've already been down here before his passing if not for sure getting in my car and driving on Sunday because they were all informed Sunday morning before 8 am. 

Sorry this is really long I just need to vent.. 

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fzald   

Mrsviden,

Oh my gosh, and she's calling YOU names? How insensitive. She's basically blaming you for his death, and then oh, now that there's MONEY she'll get involved, but she STILL won't speak to you or even be civil to you? That goes far beyond people having trouble dealing with grief. That's just pure bad behavior, insensitivity, selfishness in the worst way. I am so sorry you have to deal with that. I have always been appalled at how deaths and other tragedies can bring out the absolute worst in people.

When my grandmother died we found out she had an IRA account for both me and my cousin, her only two grandchildren. I kept my account, it matures this year. My cousin immediately withdrew the account when she got access to it, ended up with far less than she could have had if she'd just waited, and my aunt told me she heard she spent the money on drugs. When we had gone to my grandma's house (she lived out in NYC) for the funeral, my cousin showed up and started claiming things that "Grandma would have wanted her to have." Luckily my aunt (not her mom) was there and stopped her from taking anything that was precious to our family. We assume the things she did make off with got sold for more drug money. She has not spoken to any of us for any length of time since the funeral, which was 5 years ago.

I think about how some people can be so cruel. I think about how my girlfriend was the complete opposite of that. She was the kindest person in the world. I mean sure she had her days where she got angry and would lash out. I'm guilty of the same at times, and it's something we actually worked together on a lot. But she was kind. She cared so deeply. She would never say a harsh word to someone in pain or in need. She would go out of her way to help those who were in need, even when those people would hurt her feelings in return. Many times I was there to comfort her when someone she had gone way out of the way to be there for stabbed her in the back in some way, but even though all of that she continued to be such a kind, gentle, loving, giving soul. Why did SHE have to die? She is what the world needs more of. People who love and care with all of their being, even in their worst moments. Why her? 

I like to feel like we were each other's fuel of life. When friends or family knocked her down and made her cry, I would comfort her. When life gave me lemons, she made lemonade for me and added a little extra sugar. We were complementary, supportive of each other when things were bad, and it let us both shine our brightest to the rest of the world. Now I have lost her, and I can't shine for myself let alone for others. I exist, but I don't live, and I know she would be disappointed to see that, but I can't be OK. It's been barely 2 months, and I am still not coping well at all. 

I miss you, my love. I need you now more than ever, and you can't be here, and you never will be able to be here. I wish I could take the strength within me that i used to help you when you were sad, and use it to help myself, but it doesn't seem like it works that way. If the next life is truly one of pure happiness, then I know you don't need that support from me anymore, but I still need it from you. I wish you could be here, because as "harsh" as this world can be, you and I would have made it through anything together. I don't know how to make it through a single day without you. I miss you, I love you. I hope you haven't forgotten me and know how deeply I miss you. Please wait for me. Someday I will be on the other side too, someday I will find you. Please wait for me.

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KMB   
1 hour ago, fzald said:

I miss you, my love. I need you now more than ever, and you can't be here, and you never will be able to be here. I wish I could take the strength within me that i used to help you when you were sad, and use it to help myself, but it doesn't seem like it works that way. If the next life is truly one of pure happiness, then I know you don't need that support from me anymore, but I still need it from you. I wish you could be here, because as "harsh" as this world can be, you and I would have made it through anything together. I don't know how to make it through a single day without you. I miss you, I love you. I hope you haven't forgotten me and know how deeply I miss you. Please wait for me. Someday I will be on the other side too, someday I will find you. Please wait for me.

fzald-----Heartwrenching. This is similar to how I write letters to my husband every night.

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Mrsviden   
2 hours ago, fzald said:

Mrsviden,

Oh my gosh, and she's calling YOU names? How insensitive. She's basically blaming you for his death, and then oh, now that there's MONEY she'll get involved, but she STILL won't speak to you or even be civil to you? That goes far beyond people having trouble dealing with grief. That's just pure bad behavior, insensitivity, selfishness in the worst way. I am so sorry you have to deal with that. I have always been appalled at how deaths and other tragedies can bring out the absolute worst in people.

When my grandmother died we found out she had an IRA account for both me and my cousin, her only two grandchildren. I kept my account, it matures this year. My cousin immediately withdrew the account when she got access to it, ended up with far less than she could have had if she'd just waited, and my aunt told me she heard she spent the money on drugs. When we had gone to my grandma's house (she lived out in NYC) for the funeral, my cousin showed up and started claiming things that "Grandma would have wanted her to have." Luckily my aunt (not her mom) was there and stopped her from taking anything that was precious to our family. We assume the things she did make off with got sold for more drug money. She has not spoken to any of us for any length of time since the funeral, which was 5 years ago.

I think about how some people can be so cruel. I think about how my girlfriend was the complete opposite of that. She was the kindest person in the world. I mean sure she had her days where she got angry and would lash out. I'm guilty of the same at times, and it's something we actually worked together on a lot. But she was kind. She cared so deeply. She would never say a harsh word to someone in pain or in need. She would go out of her way to help those who were in need, even when those people would hurt her feelings in return. Many times I was there to comfort her when someone she had gone way out of the way to be there for stabbed her in the back in some way, but even though all of that she continued to be such a kind, gentle, loving, giving soul. Why did SHE have to die? She is what the world needs more of. People who love and care with all of their being, even in their worst moments. Why her? 

I like to feel like we were each other's fuel of life. When friends or family knocked her down and made her cry, I would comfort her. When life gave me lemons, she made lemonade for me and added a little extra sugar. We were complementary, supportive of each other when things were bad, and it let us both shine our brightest to the rest of the world. Now I have lost her, and I can't shine for myself let alone for others. I exist, but I don't live, and I know she would be disappointed to see that, but I can't be OK. It's been barely 2 months, and I am still not coping well at all. 

I miss you, my love. I need you now more than ever, and you can't be here, and you never will be able to be here. I wish I could take the strength within me that i used to help you when you were sad, and use it to help myself, but it doesn't seem like it works that way. If the next life is truly one of pure happiness, then I know you don't need that support from me anymore, but I still need it from you. I wish you could be here, because as "harsh" as this world can be, you and I would have made it through anything together. I don't know how to make it through a single day without you. I miss you, I love you. I hope you haven't forgotten me and know how deeply I miss you. Please wait for me. Someday I will be on the other side too, someday I will find you. Please wait for me.

That letter is beautiful, & yep I haven't spoke to any of his family they haven't called/texted to see how I'm doing or anything. Before money was mentioned and we found out that my husband was towards the end I was the best wife out there in their eyes, i talked to my sister in law at least 5 times a day and then suddenly money changed them in an instant and her exact words were if I wanted to fight you for my brothers stuff I've got a damn good lawyer and we will win. I will for the life of me never understand why people act the way they do when death is involved but they do. I'm a very sensitive and caring person, for her to blame me for my husbands death has stuck with me since that day. Although leukemia was the cause because of those words I wonder if I am, I wonder if my husband thinks I am, I wonder if he even loves me anymore. Now my husbands gone, I have no reassurance, no true friends to lean on, and I'm just absolutely heartbroken 

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KayC   
16 hours ago, KMB said:

*To all of you neighbors who used to stop in here, when you do your drivebys, please refrain from staring at the house. If you cannot find it in your heart to pull in and have a chat like we used to, keep your eyes on the road ahead*.

Maybe just put a sign out that says "OPEN FOR COFFEE"...

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KayC   

MrsViden,

I don't get it...doesn't stuff usually pass to the SPOUSE?  How can they begin to fight you for anything?!  Even without a will it should go to you!  It sounds like they're trying to bully you while you're down to get financial gain!

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