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KarinBe

I feel I caused my Mother´s death

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KarinBe   

Dear all, I´m writing this from Sweden, so please excuse my sometimes broken English..

My beloved Mother died in 2013 and about half a year after her death I began to realize what has happened, and started to feel that I caused her death in a way.

This is destroying my life and I don´t know how to live with myself, I cannot accept and move on.

Here´s my story: My Mom had suffered from a stroke and got paralysed in 1998. Since then she lived in a nursing home.

When she died she had pneumonia which did´t respond very well to the antibiotics they gave her.

The nurse came to us one day and said that this is it, we will now focus on palliative care since her body isn´t responding and she also couldn´t take the food

or liquid they gave her. This was very hard for me and my brother to accept.She was lying in her bed now but she looked like she normally did, though her breathing was strange sometimes during the nights when I sat by her bedside.

The last night she was breathing very fast and deep, but she was alert and totally awake.After a few hours I asked the nurse to give her something to calm her down,

and I think she gave her an injection of Morphine and Stesolide ( I don´t know if that name exists in English), I think she may got a little calmer and it took the worst edge of the breathing, but it was still very hard and fast.After 30 minutes or so I rang the bell again and asked the nurse if she could have some more,

I don´t understand how I could do that!!!

It´s like I didn´t understand the side effects of Morphine, how dangerous it is.The nurse said that Mom could get a little more.When she came with that second injection I saw my Mom ´s panic and she tried to express it to me, but used as I was to take decisions for my Mom all the time ( she couldn´t speak) I thought that is still was alright, if the nurse agreed there must be a reason, and now maybe my Mom could calm down and get some rest ( I still hadn´t accepted that she was going to die, still tried to save her!).

And then, God forgive me, I went to bed and left my Mom in the care of the staff:( I was in such denial...

Now I punish myself every day with guilt, I have destroyed my Mom´s death and I have destroyed my own life.

I tried later to get in contact with the nurse, but she hasn´t respond to my questions on how she could give her more Morphine despite all her knowledge about medications.

People talk about guilt, and I know that everyone feels guilty when a parent dies, but in my case I have a true gulit, I did do something that caused my beloved Mom´s death.

She might have lived two more days, and we could all have said our goodbyes, my brother wasn´t there that night and I went to bed..this is bringing me down, I don´t know how I can live with this..

Please if there´s anyone out there who has been in the same situation or have some thoughts on this please let me know.

Thank You.

 

 

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Hugs Karin ... I am so sorry for your loss.  I have been present in a few deaths over the years (work with seniors) and let me assure you of something.  YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME for your mom's passing on.  Sadly death is something that we will all experience but gratefully when we leave this world we are taken to our REAL home where there is everlasting life.

Back to blaming yourself Karin ... none of us have any control on when, where or how a loved one departs.  That is in the hands of our Almighty God.  We can try as hard as we like to prolong their life but ultimately it is not in our hands.  I also work at a hospital for the past 30 years and I can tell you that the nursing staff know the amounts of medications that are safe.  The nurse told you that your mom could have a little more and gave her another dose which she also thought was safe.  The nurse would never have given that shot if it was too much.  Also, I totally get why you requested more medication.  I would have done the same thing.  You saw your mom in some distress and didn't want her to go through that.  No-one wants to see a loved one suffer, nor does our loved one want to suffer.  Karin, you did what you could and the rest was in God's hands.  

Please shake off the guilt....you did the best that you could and I am sure that your mom knows that and loves you for that.  

take care

Cindy Jane

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KarinBe   

Dear Cindy Jane, thank you so much for replying to my post! I am so touched by your warm and caring words, thank you.

My mom lived and died at a nursing home and the nurse that gave the doses was a nurse that was called in during nights, and not the chef nurse.

I feel now when I look back that she was insecure and when I months later asked for my mom´s medical journal, the last dosis was not there!

To me, that marks that something was wrong and they want to erase their mistake..:(

But one of the worst is that I see my mom´s attempt to tell me "no more morphine" with her eyes, but I was in denial, in my head that night maybe a little more could ease her intense breathing, not kill her.

But I will keep your words in my heart and try to think that it was time, and perhaps I was a tool for God to bring her home.

Again, thanks so so much!

Hugs

Karin

 

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De23   

I never ever write in forums like this because as i cant express written language good , i read your story and saw you posted 4 days ago and first i imagined what you are going through i felt bad . But then i saw you write that your mom passed a couple of years ago. The mind is probably the only thing in our body that i believe doesnt care about the person , it has a very very important function in so many ways , but the worst enemy if you allow it to be . Or go along with its games . You probably heard of positivity and all that , but none of that works 100% just use logic. This is going to sound bad but i swear in no way is it meant that way. And its not that mature love type of thing . Look 

 

I dont know your moms life story no , but in 98 or 99 she is in a car crash and getd paralyzed , imagine how hard it is . All your plans and everything u wanted to do , seriosuly is NEVER going to happen . How bad do you feel and for how long? I imagine at some point you have to maybe start thinking more towards the " yeay for life" path , when will it start? U have no fucking clue because your dont understand how life is possible , what am i going to do? We ask this every day thousands of times. She knows she wont be doing all those things . So imagine this , seriously how do you accept this ? Get over this? Whats next? 

Im not a father and i dont know what that love is like father to son or mither to son , but i know for sure it is the highest rated possible if the person allows it to be . So firsttly we are humans and our instinct is to survive , i lose my life this way , life as i know it and nothing to adapt to for a change in the future ,i have nothing  i would probably ask the nurse to kill me straight away , but a mother or father what are they ? Purest love possible best things in the universe. She lived through you her kids . 

I read the part about when you saw the panic in your moms face , i think thats the key part that has you like this . So 99 to 2012? 13 years of a lot of thinking and viewing dieng less painfull and sad and the end or whatever so thats a lot of time to accept it , be okay with it , more than a 9-5 30 year old would . Its okay 

I didnt know your mom but i know for a fact that she is in so much peace in heaven and i dont even believe in that **** .

 

Also everyone is scared of dying , its indtinct our bodys are formed to protect us from everything possible that will do us harm. The scared you saw in her isnt how you think it is . Oh what was she feeling, or thinking . It was probably a more . You ever been on those tall rides at theme parks that u sit in . It goes steaight up , waits about 2 minutes and falls? Your at same hight 2 minutes ago, but 2 seconds when thr click starts you start to sweat and clinch and muscles tight . Its scary bc she knew it was going to happen sooon , bbut trust me she accepted it foooor sure dont doubt it .im an idiot im sorry if u take thiz even a 1% bad . Its not my intention . I just suck at this and okay 

 

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De23   

Or maybe try this.

 

Put yourself in your moms situatio.

For a week get someone to tie you to a chair or something where u cant move a finger seriously . Get them to feed you ,same settings but actually live it for just 1 week ? That is what a good son would do , a shitty one would want to feel sorry for themselves , which one will it be? 

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KarinBe   

Thanks for replying to my post. But it's not that my Mom died that is wrong.I do understand that her situation was terrible, believe me, I had taken care of her for years..

It's the way it happened.

I think every parent wants to be able to say goodbye to their children, and be sure the children reslize whats about to happen.

I am sure my Mom is happy where she is now.

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De23   

**** yeah she is , dont believe otherwise. Okay sorry i am a 15 year old adolescent and i say bad words because makes me feel big

 

 

M

 

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The Girl   

I've questioned if I may have killed my mom as well.  She was also paralyzed from a stroke and dying.

First I will tell you, your mom's labored breathing meant she was already in the process of passing.  I've had the unfortunate experience several times, and it's never been w/o the labored breathing.  At that point, all we can do is make them comfortable.  I've only heard that morphine helps to open airways, while the pain killer and sedative part helps relax the patient.  The nurses know enough to not cause the patient to OD, which would also put them at risk for malpractice.  I had my mom switched from morphine (which gives her headaches) to Dilaudid (which is very, very strong), so technically she was over-medicated for a spell.  Really, comfort is everything at these times.  

During my mom's last day, she had been transferred to hospice and was then allowed a little ice.  She was able to move her head and eyes and breathe on her own (to some degree) but that was it.  Mentally she had checked out.  But she understood she was thirsty and that I was offering her ice.  She choked on it.  Badly.  She was in hospice, DNR, but I sent my brothers out searching for a nurse while I was trying to work the fluids out of her lungs.  She passed later that night, when the nurses had assured me she would still be around another day or two.  You can drown hours after aspirating, just b/c the fluids haven't cleared from your lungs.  I was a wreck about this at first, b/c I'm about 90% sure I exasperated my mom's death.  But, at least for now, I got over it.  My mom was suffering.  Nothing was going to save her, and she really wanted that ice.  

If you've felt like this since 2013, then you probably will continue to wonder, at least for a little while longer.  But from what you described, it doesn't sound like you caused anything but comfort at a time your mom really needed it.  It is scary seeing a loved one in that condition, and every decision feels urgent and overwhelming.  It's also a mentally exhausting time, and we all have to sleep when we can.  You were right to request more meds.  I'm guessing they told you if you felt like your mom needed more, then to ask a nurse?  B/c you were in tune to how she was doing.  They weren't going to let you kill your mom.  They just needed you to help them keep her comfortable.  Really, you did the right thing. 

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