Loss of my superhero

[Algeteach8]

On February 11, I woke up  at 3:52 to what I initially thought was my husband snoring. I started to poke him and tell him to roll over when I realized he wasn't snoring but having issues breathing.  By the time I jumped out of bed and got to him on the other side he took a couple more breaths and then I didn't hear anything else.  I tried to do cpr butt couldn't get a response.   The call to 911 was made at 3:54. Even though they did their best to revive him, I knew when I made the call that he was called home. The hospital called the time of death exactly one hour later.  We would. Have celebrated out 10 year anniversary on Valentine's Day.  Instead, t hat was the day I got to do a final viewing of my wonderful 34 year old husband.  I had been married befor, but I fell in a love with Jason the first time I saw him.  We were looking forward to next fall when we would be taking my youngest daughter to college.  He idolized my three children and two grandchildren.  I'm still in shock that he's gone. There are days when I seem to be ok, but t hen there are days when just the thought of him being gone crushes me.  I miss him so much and don't know how to go on.  Waiting for th results of the autopsy and official cause of death is taking everything out of me.  Most nights after school, I sit. In our bed where I found him and think and cry.  I don't know how to start to move on 

[fzald]

Algeteach8,

Words cannot express how horrible losing someone you love so dearly is. I truly am sorry for your loss, but I know those words alone don't help. I lost my girlfriend suddenly, completely unexpectedly, at the end of January, and she was only 22. Dying young is horrible, so wrong, so unfair, especially when it's so sudden and comes out of nowhere. 

You are only a little less than a month into your loss. It is excruciatingly painful. It will be for a while, I won't lie to you. People will tell you that it gets better. I sure hope it does, but I'm only about a month and a half in myself, and it's still so painful, I still remember every little thing about her, everything about the life we shared that was so suddenly taken away from me. She told me she would see me in a week, and instead the next time I saw her was at the wake. So sudden.

Post here, talk to us, we're all here to listen. Nobody is judgmental here. We all have had our down days, our angry days, our depressed days, our days where we question everything in the world. 

It's hard. It's beyond hard. Saying it's hard is such an understatement. You will never ever forget him. He will live on in your heart forever.

The only thing you can do right now is take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Hopefully there are people around you who can be supportive, but there are some of us here who have little to no support around us for many reasons. This board has become a lifeline for many of us. As some of us say, welcome to the club nobody wants to be in. If any of us had the choice, we would bring every single lost loved one back for everyone on this board and put it out of business. We sadly can't do that. So the only thing we can do now is support each other and try our best to move forward, slow as it seems.

[ModHerc]

Algeteach8,

Your love was taken from you far too soon.  I am so sorry for you, your children, and your grandchildren.  I also made the call to 911, and performed CPR, knowing it was too late.  The surreal phone call and the minutes after are still etched in my mind.

The shock will pass.  Waiting for the results of the autopsy must be driving you mad.  Just remember to take it one moment at a time.  Breathe, drink plenty of water, eat what you can, sleep when you can, and be kind to yourself.

You have found a place where people will understand.  We can't truly help, though we all wish we could.  Wishing you what peace and comfort I can offer,

Herc

[Solomon'sGirl]

I'm so sorry. I read a lot of posts, but I don't post myself much. I internalize a lot. But sometimes feeling alone becomes too much. I feel like no one really understands me. That's when I come here. I know everyone here gets whatever it is I'm feeling. Like fzald said, it's a club.. we're all here for each other. We don't want to be able to relate to each other because that means we've lost our loves, but we do relate. And I'm thankful for that. I hope you stick around and feel the support here that I do. It's gotten me through many bad days. 

[KayC]

Algeteach8,

I am so sorry.  It seems way too unfair.  My husband was barely 51 when he died, we'd been married 3 years 8 months, we were made for each other and I think of him constantly.  If he'd have died at 34 we wouldn't have even met.
I'm sorry for your reason for being here but I hope it is a help to you and a comfort to know you've found a place where others have gone through this and understand the feelings.  

Try to take good care of yourself, we need it to help ourselves through this.  Come and post any time you want, we're here and listening.

[KMB]

Algeteach8,  I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Jason. My husband passed in our home of sudden cardiac arrest. Nothing could have been done to save him. It is so hard to understand how a person can be here one minute and gone the next. Although I'm thankful my husband didn't suffer and I'm sure your Jason did not either.

I am sorry you and your children are going through this. Hang on tight to each other, you will need to support each other. Please keep posting when you feel the need. This forum has become a life line for many of us. Most people in our lives who have never experienced the loss of a significant other don't understand and are not able to know what to say or do. Take care of yourself, do what you need to do for you. There are no rules or time frame for how we choose to grieve and cope with our loss.

[Francine]

Algeteach8

I am so sorry and know too vividly your pain.  I lost the love of my life of nearly 45 years of a massive heart attack and I'm still trying to adjust to my new reality.  A reality of not having him beside me.  He was my strength, my protector, my husband, lover, father of my children; grandfather of my grandchildren and best friend.  I too tried to perform CPR on my Charles, but it didn't work.  He was gone and I still have moments that this nightmare is going to be over soon and I'm gonna wake up. I am grateful God allowed me nearly 45 years with this man of my dreams and when he passed, he didn't suffer.  I don't think I could have survived that.

Jason was so young and it appears you both loved one another very much. The mind replays what the heart can't delete. It's amazing how some of the best things we can give each other are good memories.   You won't ever forget your laughs, your jokes, your smiles, your conversations, your plans, your tears, your memories, your experiences, your friendship, mostly your love.   Remember his life; not his death.  Remember what he meant to you and the children and how much more fuller, richer and brighter your lives are because of him.  Your memories are yours to keep and no one or nothing can take them away; they are forever yours to cherish.

I too have days when I'm getting by OK, but then the floods (my tears) come back and I'm drowning; but no one in my life can see it.  I'm screaming and no one is listening; as if knives are trying to cut off my soul.    Expect to have those days for quite sometimes; but know that joy always comes after pain and joy is not in things, it is within us.  God's word are true. In Revelations 21:4, it states, "HE will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more.  There will no longer be any mourning, crying, or pain. For the order of things have passed away.

I hope you continue to visit this website; it is the best one I've had the opportunity to visit and continue with.  There are amazing people who know your pain and are willing to share not only their stories, but their comforting words, support and encouragement.

Stay Strong and I pray that God gives you his love, peace and strength at this most difficult time in your life.

 

[Mrsviden]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. 

I lost my husband to Leukemia 2 months ago, and I have no idea how I've made it. Each and every day is a struggle to get out of bed. He had been in the hospital from the day after thanksgiving-Jan 5. He came home on Jan. 5 and passed away on Jan. 8. For two of those nights I slept right next to him on the couch, but the last night a guy from work had came over and said how about you go get you some rest and I'll call you if I need you. That morning my husband was wanting a pain pill so I got up and got him one and kissed him and told him I loved him, those were the last words I spoke to him or heard from him. He passed away an hour later. I have beaten myself up thinking if i just would've slept beside him maybe he wouldn't be gone. 

Its as if each day is a nightmare and you're praying it will be over soon. I hope you find peace knowing that this group is a group in which we all know the feelings we all experience. 

I pray for peace and comfort, and may god bless you. 

[ModHerc]

Mrsviden,

Please don't beat yourself up with the if's, and could haves, regrets, or guilt.  You did everything you could to take care of Jason.  He would not want you to blame yourself.  I know that is so much easier to say than do.  I have weak moments where those thoughts creep in as well.  I try to imagine the situations reversed, if Christine had cared for me for the past 12 years, and I was now gone, what would I want her to feel.  The last words I spoke to her were I love you as well.  I am glad those were the words, that brings me some peace.  Hoping you find peace and comfort,

Herc

[KayC]

Mrsviden,

It would have happened regardless, that's grief speaking, we always want to rethink a different ending, but there is no ending but the one we got.  All the what ifs in the world doesn't change the outcome, trust me, we've all been through them.  My heart goes out to you.