Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Feel so alone 49

Looking for some advise

5 posts in this topic

Hello, my mom passed away on 2/22/17. My father wants to pack up her clothes and get rid of them. Well let me rephrase this he says he will help but I will be the one that has to bag them he will have to do this or that.  I feel it is just way to soon to be getting rid of anything. My parents had their own bedrooms they have not slept in the same bedroom for over 20 years. Why not just close her door and not go in there. There is no reason for him to go in there. He wants me to go over the house this Saturday and pack her clothes.  He says her clothes bother him.  At the funeral home he was asking his family if they wanted any of my moms things.  I'm an only child never asked me or my daughter.  He's the type of person that you just can't sit down and talk with.  I feel this is way to soon for me she will have passed 2 weeks on Weds.  Any advise is appreciated.  Sorry this is so long

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry to hear about your mom passing.  My mom passed Feb 9th and the following day my dad (her devoted and loving husband of 41 years) was already talking about where her belongings should go, asking if anyone would want anything.  It wasn't for lack of caring or grieving though.  Everyone reacts differently, and some find comfort in the motions following the loss of a loved one, such as cleaning house.  It can be hard to sit still when you're still in shock over what happened.  Not knowing your relationship with your dad, I can't claim to know why he didn't ask you if you'd like to keep anything.  My only guess would be perhaps he assumed you would keep what you wanted while cleaning out her room, since he asked you to take care of that.  What I do know is we don't all think or communicate clearly while in mourning.  You say you can't sit down and talk with him, but I don't know how you could convey your feelings otherwise.  Could you possibly bring it up casually that you need more time?  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so sorry for your loss. I feel it is too soon. My Mom did the same thing with my Dad's things. Be sure and take what you want home. I wish I still had some of those things. God bless and comfort you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Feel so alone 49,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved mom. I know this is a very difficult time. I know its hard. But if you are not ready to deal with your mom's clothes and possessions right now, that is totally understandable. There is no right way or wrong way. Let your dad know you need more time. Tell him to leave everything alone for at least a month. And then you will handle it.

When my dad passed away, a few relatives asked if I needed help cleaning up my dad's things. It did hurt to see my dad's things. Part of me wanted to deal with it, so I did give a lot away of his clothes to the homeless shelter. I have some regrets because maybe I should have kept more than I did. My siblings didn't ask for much. One wanted a watch. I have a few of his shoes and sweaters.

Do what you feel is right in your heart. Thinking of you.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Feel so alone 49,

I am very sorry for your loss.  If your mother's clothes bother your dad, it could be that he has unresolved issues with her or maybe he feels guilty about something.  On the other hand, some people are very practical and not as sentimental about material things as other people.  I remember a daughter who I'm sure loved her mother was giving away her clothes even before the funeral.  She even brought some over to me.  Another daughter couldn't wait for the funeral to pick up her dad's luxury car and other things from the home he had shared for many years with his gay partner.  After his wife left him and his daughter, he moved in with his partner who loved and cared for him better than anyone.   This was before gay marriage.  I think the surviving partner deserved more respect and consideration than she and her sons showed toward him.  I know it hurt his feelings very much.  He was such a kind, friendly gentleman.  

I would take all your mother's clothes away from your dad's house and then take your time to keep or dispose of them as you wish.  If you don't have room to store these things, then you can ask him to give you more time.   Perhaps you can box them up and put them in the basement until you can sort through them when you're ready.   If your dad doesn't communicate well with you, then chances are high he didn't communicate well with your mother, either, and that could be why he feels bothered by things that remind him of her.  Imagine all the things that went unsaid between them.  I could be totally wrong, because I don't know your dad, but seems like you need to talk with each other more often, because once our parents are gone, it's too late. 

Take care and I wish you the best.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0