Coping has become unbearable

[Lisa071777]

I lost my boyfriend and the father of my children so unexpectedly in a train accident 6 months ago. I have tried going to counseling but I am not comfortable talking to a complete stranger face to face. Each passing day has become more and more challenging.  I constantly cry, severely depressed, cant sleep. Just miserable without him. Our children are suffering and there isnt much I can do when I cant stop hurting. If anyone out there has any words of advice to help me through this extremely difficult time, it would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you

[fzald]

Lisa,

I am so sorry. It sounds like you had a sudden loss, and I will tell you that sudden loss is a unique challenge. I myself lost my girlfriend of 6 years to a sudden brain hemorrhage a month ago. It's especially hard because you go from seeing your beloved alive,happy and healthy to having them gone so quickly without any warning, no time to prepare, no time to say your last goodbyes and I love you's. It's a pain that I do not wish on anyone in this world.

Counseling is not for everyone, don't feel bad if it didn't really work for you. You have found a great bunch of people in this forum. We are a safe place, you can say anything you feel, no matter how bad you feel, no matter how low you feel, we will listen and do the best we can to give you some comfort. Sadly, there isn't anything any one of us can do to bring back the ones we've lost. I think every single person here would agree that if there was any possible way to do it, all of us would be chipping in everything we have to bring everyone back. It's sad that we all have to be here, losing someone you love is one of the hardest kinds of loss you can face in your life. Your future becomes uncertain and turned upside down. You relive the last moments you had together over and over. Everything you do without your beloved reminds you of their absence. 

I worked with my girlfriend, so every time I go to work I feel her absence. We spent time together almost every evening, so I feel her absence every evening. She spent a lot of time at my house, so I feel her absence there. We ate at all the best restaurants in town, so I feel her absence whenever I eat out. I feel her absence taking walks around the neighborhood. I feel her absence every time I want to talk to her or text her and I remember she's not on the other end. It's an emptiness, a void, a huge hole in my life that wil never be filed, ever again.

All I can say is that you need to try your best to take care of yourself and your kids. Make sure you and your kids are getting enough food, fluids and as much rest as you can manage. Don't expect too much of yourself. I'm only a month into my loss, you are six months in, but there is no timeframe for grief. In some ways we will carry our grief for the rest of our lives. The folks here who are more experienced will tell you that it will change with time. The immense pain should start to subside eventually, but you will always carry that sadness and emptiness with you. 

I am so sorry you have to be here, but welcome, I'm glad you found us. Please post often and let us know how you are. We will listen. I wish we could do more, but we will do what we can. 

Hugs

 

[Lisa071777]

25 minutes ago, fzald said:

Lisa,

I am so sorry. It sounds like you had a sudden loss, and I will tell you that sudden loss is a unique challenge. I myself lost my girlfriend of 6 years to a sudden brain hemorrhage a month ago. It's especially hard because you go from seeing your beloved alive,happy and healthy to having them gone so quickly without any warning, no time to prepare, no time to say your last goodbyes and I love you's. It's a pain that I do not wish on anyone in this world.

Counseling is not for everyone, don't feel bad if it didn't really work for you. You have found a great bunch of people in this forum. We are a safe place, you can say anything you feel, no matter how bad you feel, no matter how low you feel, we will listen and do the best we can to give you some comfort. Sadly, there isn't anything any one of us can do to bring back the ones we've lost. I think every single person here would agree that if there was any possible way to do it, all of us would be chipping in everything we have to bring everyone back. It's sad that we all have to be here, losing someone you love is one of the hardest kinds of loss you can face in your life. Your future becomes uncertain and turned upside down. You relive the last moments you had together over and over. Everything you do without your beloved reminds you of their absence. 

I worked with my girlfriend, so every time I go to work I feel her absence. We spent time together almost every evening, so I feel her absence every evening. She spent a lot of time at my house, so I feel her absence there. We ate at all the best restaurants in town, so I feel her absence whenever I eat out. I feel her absence taking walks around the neighborhood. I feel her absence every time I want to talk to her or text her and I remember she's not on the other end. It's an emptiness, a void, a huge hole in my life that wil never be filed, ever again.

All I can say is that you need to try your best to take care of yourself and your kids. Make sure you and your kids are getting enough food, fluids and as much rest as you can manage. Don't expect too much of yourself. I'm only a month into my loss, you are six months in, but there is no timeframe for grief. In some ways we will carry our grief for the rest of our lives. The folks here who are more experienced will tell you that it will change with time. The immense pain should start to subside eventually, but you will always carry that sadness and emptiness with you. 

I am so sorry you have to be here, but welcome, I'm glad you found us. Please post often and let us know how you are. We will listen. I wish we could do more, but we will do what we can. 

Hugs

 

I am trying so hard to be strong for our children, we have a 4 year old who doesnt understand why daddy isnt coming home. Everytime she asks forhim another part of me dies. Its been 6 months and I have yet to remove any sign of him. Everything is exactly where he left it. I cant bring myself to even let his family come in and help me pack his things up, it would mean he is never coming back and I am not ready to come to grips with that yet. I mean I know he's gone, but a little part of me is still expecting him to walk through the front door. I am on anti depressants which are the only thing that helps me sleep, but I wake up screaming still. I scare my children most nights. I wish I knew what to do, but I dont

[Lisa071777]

I also would like to say how sorry I am for your loss. The 1st couple of months I was completely numb. I know how u feel. I completely avoid certain places, so I dont have to imagine us being there together. I doesnt work, I think of Matthew every second of every day. Im sure u do the same. I never thought this would happen. I often wish It was me instead of him. He was always much stronger than I am. I wish I could offer some words of encouragement but I can't.  All I can say is I am sorry, I know what u must be feeling

[fzald]

I know how you feel about expecting them to still be around. I still expect my girlfriend to call or text me. Sometimes it's what I think about at night to get some sleep or relax, that maybe, just maybe it's a joke. That I'll get woken up by a text from her saying "Hey! I have a lot to explain to you." The finality of death is one of the hardest things to accept. I saw my girl at the wake, I saw her body there, I know it's true logically that she's gone, but I can't accept it emotionally. I still can't accept that she will NEVER be back.

Children have a different concept of grief than us adults. Especially at the age of 4, it is hard to understand the finality of death. I mean even we as adults can't fully accept it easily. The best advice I have for you with your kids is don't sugar-coat anything, it's very, very hard because it means facing it yourself, but be honest with your kids, explain that he's gone and he isn't coming back. Make sure you reassure your kids that it's not their fault, nothing they did caused it. 

I hope you're also trying your best to take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating and drinking enough. Sleep is hard. Sometimes I sleep for hours, other days I can't sleep to save myself. Over the counter and natural sleep aids may help.

Thanks for your thoughts as well. I spent most of the first month relatively numb. I had plenty of sadness but this second month, it's starting to really hit me. I feel it more than I have since she passed. I've had a really hard time functioning the past few days. It's agony. It's pure torture. 

I wish that you will find at least a little peace and solace. Sudden death is one of the hardest experiences we will ever live through. My girlfriend was only 22 years old when she died, she was full of life and happy, she had plans for the future and dreams for a full long life. She didn't deserve to die so young. Nobody does. She was all I could ever have asked for, and in the space of one day she was taken from me forever. It's not fair. 

[ModHerc]

Lisa,

I am sure Matthew was a wonderful and caring husband and Father.  He passed tragically, and far too soon.  My heart goes out to you and your children.

I am also sorry your experience with counseling wasn't helpful to you.  It sounds as though you think it won't help regardless of the counselor, but if you only had experience with one, you might try another and see if you get better results.  At the very least they might be able to provide you with resources you could use on your own for yourself, or your daughter.

I don't have any valid experience with young children experiencing grief, so I can't be of much help there.  I am sure you have already looked up what your children are likely to be feeling on the internet, but I searched this one quickly. http://www.aacap.org/aacap/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Children_And_Grief_08.aspx

I am sure there are many more online resources you could find, both for your child, and yourself.  I will probably glance through a few tomorrow, if I find any I think could be helpful to you, I will post them here.

I wish I had words that could help you, unfortunately sometimes there just aren't any that can.  All of us have felt that we don't know what to do.  At times we thought we aren't strong.  I will tell you that what I see is a strong, confident, capable, protective woman taking care of her children as best she can in an unimaginably horrible circumstance.  You have made it through six months, so I am sure you know this already, but when it becomes too overwhelming, just stop and breathe.  Take it one moment at a time.  Hug your children, you need it and so do they.  Wishing you rest, comfort, and peace,

Herc

[KMB]

Lisa----I wish I could ease your pain. Words can sometimes be so useless, but my consoling thoughts and heart felt feelings are being sent out to you as comfort. I am sorry at the tragedy that took Matthew away from you and the children. It can be so incomprehensible how to absorb and process that loss. It takes a long time to wrap our minds around the reality and to function. You do have strength. My husband passed suddenly a week before Matthew's passing. There has to be strength in us that has had us come this far. We just don't realize or recognize what is in us until we look back and actually reflect on how far we have come on our grieving journey. I'm sure taking care of your children and being the wonderful mother you are has helped you. you and your children are helping each other to cope. There is no rush to do anything with Matthew's belongings. I haven't done anything with my husband's things either. I still need that validated proof that he did exist. That we did have a life together. Do things at your own pace. This is your journey, do it your own way. Just take your time on this journey, take care of you. By taking care of what you need for yourself, you will be able to take care of your children. HUGS to you and your children.

[KayC]

Lisa, I am so sorry.  There is no hurry to take care of belongings, you can keep them for ten years or keep them forever, it's up to you.  You many not feel like counseling, but you might want to try a grief support group...if you don't want to be alone with strangers, take someone you know who has lost someone along with you.  Meanwhile, this is a safe place to be, we're all going through it together.

Be extra patient and understanding of yourself, you've just been through the hardest thing in the world, it's going to take time to just absorb it.

[Francine]

On 3/1/2017 at 8:46 PM, Lisa071777 said:

I lost my boyfriend and the father of my children so unexpectedly in a train accident 6 months ago. I have tried going to counseling but I am not comfortable talking to a complete stranger face to face. Each passing day has become more and more challenging.  I constantly cry, severely depressed, cant sleep. Just miserable without him. Our children are suffering and there isnt much I can do when I cant stop hurting. If anyone out there has any words of advice to help me through this extremely difficult time, it would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you

 

Lisa07I777

I am sorry for your loss and the pain you're still experiencing.  The emptiness and heartache are unimaginable.  It will be 3 months tomorrow that I've been on this grief journey and the biggest thing that keeps me above water is my faith.  Don't get me wrong, I still have those "I can't make it without him" days, and cry my tsunami's but I pray, pray and pray some more.  I know that God doesn't give me what I can handle; he helps me handle what I am given.    I do not pray that I be given an easy life; but the strength to endure this difficult one.  You say: I don't know if I can make it; God Says: I will give you strength.  Until we are broken, we don't know what we're made of.  It gives us the ability to build ourselves all over again, but stronger than ever.    

Sometimes God stirs us out of comfortable situations in order to stretch us and cause us to see our faith. We may not like it and it may not always be comfortable, but God loves us too much to just leave us the way we are.  HE has placed you where you're at in this very moment for a reason.  Don't worry, God is never blind to your tears, never deaf to your prayers, and never silent to your pain. HE sees, HE hears and HE will deliver you.

 

I can only offer you are my prayers; and I pray that every ounce of fear; anxiety, and discouragement be taken away from you and that God comforts you with HIS love and refill your heart with HIS PEACE.   I may not know all your troubles, but HE does.

 

Keep strong and be bless. Know you are in our prayers.