unexpected, but not surprising

[babypeanut]

hi, i'm new here. my partner of 10 years died on 2/11(which was my mom's 80th bday i was supposed to have gotten on a plane to visit her). he went into cardiac arrest on the sun/mon 3am before, the 6th. i'm coping ok but, as i'm sure you all know, the feelings are rough. he had 6 kids, i got along with all & am fairly close to the eldest son(39). we had a complicated relationship. i found out he had started drinking, we are both alcoholics. i've personlly had 3 very short 'incidents' over the last 23 years, but i know what is more than likely to happen for me if i made the choice to continue, so, i choose sobriety. that being said, when i found out he was drinking about a year ago, i told him i would help him & he didn't want any help, he could just stop.he was also a heavy smoker, both tobacco & marijuana. a couple of months later, i confronted him & asked if he wanted to stop. he said he did not. i told him i could no longer be his girlfriend, after 9 years, but, as long as he respected my no alcohol or drugs in the house, for the most part he did. i still loved him, we were very close friends. his health had seriously deteriorated since he started drinking, i tried to get him to help himself but he wouldn't, very stubborn, something we had in common. it was very strange, he finally went to the doctor the week before he went to the hospital. he did a stress test, which showed no blockage. the doctor prescribed some meds in addition to the nitro he was using when he had chest pains, which had been intensifying & occurring more frequently. he seemed to feel better although he had a couple of mild incidents, i thought maybe he'd be ok. we went to visit his son, who is also in recovery & of course very worried about him. i said to my partner 'i have 2 words for you: downward spiral'. he looked at me, i forget exactly what he said but it seemed like maybe he got it. but, like many things, too little too late. i'm not beating myself up(he hated that!), i know i was very good for & to him. i'm sorry, this is going to go on a little more. when we met, i was pulling myself out of a horrible depression brought on after a man i was in an extremely unhealthy relationship with for a couple of years dumped me. i wanted to just get out & date, nothing serious, just have some fun. that wasn't what he wanted, needless to say, a year later, he had moved in. not what i wanted. i am not trying to badmouth him, he was a truly wonderful & special person to me.  no regrets, i don't feel that i wasted my time being with him at all. however, the lesson i have needed to learn to institute is-i need to be with myself until i learn how not to lose myself in relationships. obviously i'm co-dependent, i have a support system. i do have treatment resistant major depression, and severe type 1 diabetes. i also found out in november i have to move out of my apt after 33 years, this was unexpected. it's in process but i have a lot on my plate. the thing that keeps me going are my 2 cats, they have issues, would not do well if put in a shelter. so, being that they are only 6, i'll have to keep myself going for who knows, could be another 20 years. well, if you've actually read all this, thank you. i hope everyone is getting through what needs getting through, which can be gotten through.

[KayC]

babypeanut,

I am sorry for your loss but I am glad you found this site.  Even though you describe yourself as co-dependent, you must have progressed because you made the healthy choice for yourself not to be with someone who is drinking while you're recovering, you knew and established your boundaries, although you still loved him and cared for him and continued to be a friend to him.

I learned years ago it's not healthy for me to go from one relationship to another, that I need time to learn from each one and give myself time for healing in between.  I think you'll find that losing someone to death is very different than losing someone from breakup.  

I wish you the best in this journey.  I'm glad you have your cats, I've found my animals are very helpful to me, I can't imagine being without them.

[ModHerc]

Babypeanut,

You are doing amazingly in the same horrible reality we are all facing.  I am so sorry for your loss, the challenges beyond the loss that you are being forced to deal with, and your beloveds struggle with his issues.  You obviously did everything within your power to help him past his addiction, and must have loved him intensely to deal with that while maintaining your own sobriety.  Your concern for his son is so apparent as well, this will be so difficult for him, and having someone as caring as you in his life may help him continue his progress even in this trying time.

I know all too well though that before you can help others, you must first help yourself.  Keep taking care of yourself, first and foremost.  Do what you can to keep your diabetes under control. If you are in AA, keep in touch with your sponsor, and get to a room when you need to.  In addition to needing to help yourself before you help others, you also need to love yourself before you love others, make sure you are in a healthy emotional place before even thinking about putting yourself in position for another relationship.  Moving out of the home you have lived in for 33 years would be life altering to anyone, with your current situation I know it will be very trying.  Do what you can to ease that transition as well, accept help with the move, try to establish the most stable environment possible to relocate to.

My heart truly goes out to you.  At a time when you should be focusing on just breathing and getting through your shock and one moment, you will have to look at so many other factors.  As with all of us it is unfair.  You have probably heard this before, but take it one step at a time.  I hope you find the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Because life is so complicated, I also hope you find some peace and comfort to ease your grief, and will do anything I can to help you with any of those things.  Welcome, this is a wonderfully healing place, filled with unique and amazing people, I am sure you will fit right in.

[babypeanut]

i thank you both for your kind words and good advice, things i needed to be reminded of. i'm not in 12 step any longer, although i do totally abstain & try to be a decent person, i have been isolating and that is not healthy. i have started reaching out to those in my life, slowly, what was that?  a step at a time? good idea. i volunteer at the city shelter here, that is difficult emotionally but i try to do what i can. i'm planning to go there friday, when one of the employees that i am close to will be there. i'm going to try to get myself to go see my brother tomorrow. & will be going to the cemetery with some of his family next wed. which would have been his birthday. so just trying to stay busy & productive. this site seems perfect, i appreciate that it's here, and i thank you again. liz

[babypeanut]

having some bad moments but getting through i guess. trying to make myself reach out to people, very hard for me to do but i have emailed a couple of people to let them know i'm not quite curled up in a ball all the time now. i'm really not feeling too good right now, don't know what to do about it but will try to figure something out.

[KayC]

I responded to you in the other section...

[babypeanut]

got it, i forgot to hit the notify me button.

[babypeanut]

down day today, started off productive but now i think the being alone thing is starting to kick in. i'm not real good with that, as well as reaching out. until this happened, i liked being alone, having my space. now that it's all mine, i feel so empty. i wish i had better coping skills. or at least the ability to find someone to be with. at first everyone was asking me if i needed company, & i honestly just needed to withdraw. now when i feel like i would like to be with people, i don't know who to turn to.

[KayC]

I was always one that valued my solitude but now that it's forced upon me it feels different.  It's different having it meted out when you know you're going to be with them again, very different from knowing day after day is going to be like this.

Have you tried a grief support group?  I never had that option as I live in the country but I've finally started a group here and I find it's helping them to just have a place to share where others understand.

[fzald]

KayC, you are so right, I also valued time alone when she was still here and so did she. We had no issue saying "I want a little alone time." I would engage with some of my own pursuits she didn't share and she would do the same. Even though I treasured every minute I spent with her, sometimes it felt good to just be alone. 

But now being alone is the worst feeling in the world. It's no longer a choice, a decision we make together. It's forced. Before we would be alone but we both knew we'd see each other tomorrow or something. So being alone was something to be enjoyed. Now I can be alone all I want and it's the last thing I want.

[babypeanut]

@fzald you said a mouthful, i certainly couldn't have said it better. @KayC i'm sort of considering this my grief support group for now. i may see if there are any nearby, i think it's important for me to learn to connect to other humans again. hope you guys & everyone else have as good an evening as you can.

[KayC]

babypeanut,

To be quite honest, I got more out of my grief site than anywhere else, but I'd still recommend a professional grief counselor if anyone is struggling and especially with complicated grief.  The site I've been at since my husband died has a professional grief counselor moderating and she reads all of the posts and suggests articles, etc., that has been really helpful to me in learning about this grief journey.

fzald, you stated it perfectly for all of us!

[Francine]

Babypeanut,

I'm sorry for your loss and and feel your pain.   Addiction is a family disease..  One person may use, but the entire family will suffer.  I think we should learn to regard people less in the light of what they do and more in the light of what they suffer.

On 2/22/2017 at 5:49 PM, babypeanut said:

so, i choose sobriety. that being said, when i found out he was drinking about a year ago, i told him i would help him & he didn't want any help, he could just stop.he was also a heavy smoker, both tobacco & marijuana. a couple of months later, i confronted him & asked if he wanted to stop. he said he did not. i told him i could no longer be his girlfriend,

Alcoholism is an addiction that kills the pain; the joy, the hope, the body,  the brain, and finally the soul.  It is the only prison where the locks are on the inside. Before you can break out prison, you must realize you're are locked up.  You did that and can be proud of yourself.  I congratulate you on your sobriety.  Know there is no way you can ever fully express the pain of losing a loved one.  There is no way you can make others understand the pain you have endured.

All you can do is deal with things the best you can and hope that  those who are close to you, your friends and family will care enough to support you through the toughest time in your life, for it is during these dark times in your life that the ones who truly care for you will step up to the mark.  God Bless and keep you, keep all of us safe.