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N_Lou_88

Should I still feel this way after all these years?

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Hello everyone, so its been almost 17 years since my Mum passed away, I was 12 and my brother was 10 (who found her passed out). I remember the day as if it was yesterday.... a normal school day morning, with my Mum waking us for breakfast then it all changed dramatically. 

Basically I'm now almost 29, moved in with my boyfriend recently into a lovely home and in the next few years will most likely start a family. But still every single day I think of my Mum and cry pretty much every other day thinking of her or wishing she was here. I see all my friends growing up, getting married, having kids & I feel as though I'm stood still with this huge part of my heart missing since my Mum died. I find myself jealous of every friend I have that has a decent relationship with their Mother & needing constant reassurance from the people close to me. 

I always feel as though I'm not good enough, ever since she passed or that I'm not liked. Recently I found out that my Dad (who is now remarried) is moving to America & my Brother is moving around 100 miles away which has effected me badly. I feel as though no one understands & my family isnt the unit it should be .... I try my hardest to keep us together or have a strong bond but both seem to just follow the women in their life & dont seem as interested although they do care. Our relationships are quite strained as I'm very different to both and feel they don't understand me one bit. I'm very sentimental and struggle to let go of anything of my Mums whereas my brother has openly admitted he isn't sentimental & anythung of value he would probably sell (including my Mums engagement ring). Which I find awful. To Dad/bro its as if she never exsisted & I have no one to reminisce about my Mum to or that will tell me about how she was as a person. 

The fact they are now both leaving (which was my biggest fear after mum died) has made me think of my Mum 10 times more & I now have to go clear the family home of my mothers things & childhood items as my Dad is selling the family house and I'm the only one who seems bothered. 

The question I'd like to ask really is, does anyone else feel this way? Greiving still after so many years? Feeling as though it effects everything in their life whilst other family members sail through & tell you to 'move on'. To me after a death you never move on, it just gets slightly easier to cope with. I just feel so terribly alone & I'm sick of being upset and wishing I had my Mum. Ive spoken to both my Dad & brother & neither gets it and friends are sympathetic but have their own lifes to deal with. I've seen a counsellor & had bouts of depression etc but that void is always there..... I do want children soon but I want to be stronger before then. My Dad has never said he is proud of me or been there properly in the emotional side of things (although he did try his best) but now as an adult I feel lost & just constantly want the reassurance I'm good enough. 

My boyfriend gets the brunt of it all, we constantly argue from this although he desperatly tries to understand & is there for me no end (I couldn't ask for a better bf!). Does anyone have any advice or coping mechanisms? I miss my Mum dearly & will always cherish the memories I have but I'm so sick of the tears now and feeling so alone or that no one understands ... any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you x

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Dear N_Lou_88,

I'm so sorry to hear how are you feeling. Everything you are saying and feeling is normal and part of grief. Its only natural to miss your mum and want to keep her memory alive.

Sorry your dad and brother's actions have hurt. I feel as you do. That everyone wants me to move on too. But I can't. I'm still struggling with the loss. I know its hard.

Take your time going through your mum's belongings. I know you will cherish those items including her ring and perhaps one day pass it on to one of your children.

Everyone grieves differently. There is no right way or wrong way. I would suggest trying counseling again or joining a support group. I also visit websites that try to help me process grief. What's Your Grief and Tiny Buddha. I'm also reading this book called the Grief Recovery Method. I hope you can access additional resources through school, work or church.  Have you considered journaling? Creating a memory box? Writing a letter to your mum.

Sorry for your pain and sorrow. Please know you are not alone. We are all here. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

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Hi, N_Lou,

It has been 7 years for me. I am empathetic towards your situation. After my mom's passing, my dad left me and moved to the other side of the country in order to emotionally survive. 2 months ago, my brother and his family moved out of state with very little warning and we used to live in the same neighborhood. I feel all alone now. I have my 10-year-old son who is truly my savior - he is what gets me through every day and I am also incredibly fortunate to have a really amazing man, but a part of me will never feel complete again. I too get jealous of friends and even strangers when I see them out with their moms and I secretly cry a few times/week (usually while I'm driving alone).

My best advice for you is to hold close to the loved ones you have left! Friends, boyfriend, ect. Put your energy into those who are still here! Consume your life with love and positivity and continue to come back to forums and communities like this! I also agree with the journal suggestion. I started one and it's done wonders! I also created a stuffed bear out of one of my mom's old sweaters and it sits on my living room sofa. Perhaps go through your mom's stuff and use her old clothes to make the same or a blanket! And remember that everyone grieves differently and try to accept that. My dad and brother grieve differently than I do and I don't allow that to affect me. I focus on my grief and myself, because in the end, that's what's more important.

Best wishes,

Kelly

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