I don't know how to do this

[Christine Austin-Quist]

On January 2nd I lost my husband to cancer.  We were told last March that he had stage 4 non primary cancer and had a couple of years, maybe longer with chemo.  He did the chemo and he finished in August.  The Drs wanted him to take 3 months off chemo and they would reassess then to see if he could start another round.  At the beginning of October he could no longer keep anything down so he had tests and they found it was crushing his bowel and he had to have a tube put down his nose to suction anything out of his stomach.  He was in the cancer hospital from the beginning of October until 2days before Christmas. We had to buy a special pump for the draining tube, no one had ever been sent home with one before.  I learned how to give him his meds in a subq port and how to give him his TPN in another tube in his other arm.  He started going downhill almost as soon as he came home.  

I sat with him all night New Year's Eve.  Even with getting morphine every hour, he didn't sleep, not for even 5 minutes.  He was very restless and agitated all night and got more so as the night went on.  I left him alone for under 2 minutes to go to the bathroom at 7am.  While I was gone he got up from his bed and set in the chair in his room.  When I asked why he got,up he didn't know why.  I tried to get him back to bed and he fell.  I got him up and into bed and called the home care nurse to come.  When the nurse got here, he immediately called 911 to take us to the hospital.  

I spent the day at the hospital with him.  They were now giving him morphine every 30 minutes and had him on oxygen and he seemed better.  He calmed down and was resting.  Our daughter was getting ready to go home and he told me to leave also.  He actually raised his voice at me and yelled at me to go home.  He never yelled at anyone.  I got the call at 2am that he had passed. 

I don't know how to live without the man who was by my side for everything, everyday, for 38 years.  I get up in the morning and I some days can make myself get in the shower, some days not.  I do a bit of light housework and I spend the rest of my day sitting on the couch, not really reading, not really watching tv, just sitting and staring off into space.  I haven't left the house and have no desire to,go anywhere or do anything.  I don't know how to do this without him.

[fzald]

Christine,

Your story breaks my heart. Cancer is one of the worst things that could ever exist in this world. I myself lost my closest childhood friend to cancer when he was only 22. He had a year-long drawn out battle with chemo and even an amputation and ended up passing on 9/11 of that year. I am here now because I lost my girlfriend, very suddenly, also at the age of 22, only a few weeks ago. She didn't have cancer, she passed of a sudden brain hemorrhage from a burst aneurysm, it was 100% completely unexpected, so I'm struggling with not just the loss of her and our future but also the sudden-ness of her passing. She was fine one day, gone the next.

I had only almost 6 years with my girlfriend. I can only imagine how hard it is to lose someone after 38 years of marriage. In some ways, I don't think it's the length of the relationship that matters, it's how strong the bond between you two was, how close you were. You sound like you were very close with your husband for your marriage, so I can only imagine what you must be feeling. But I do understand the feeling of wanting to do nothing but sit around and do nothing, and of feeling constantly sad and lonely and helpless. No matter how many people, no matter how hard they try, nothing seems to make the pain any less. The only person who could possibly relieve your pain at all is gone, never to return, and you're stuck living the rest of a miserable life without that person. It's a completely agonizing, horrible situation to be in. I'm honestly shocked sometimes just how much negative emotion we are capable of feeling in times like this.

I wish I could give you some magic words that would make it all better. I really do. There just aren't any. It hurts like nothing has ever hurt before. I can't even tell you "it'll get better" because for me it hasn't gotten one tiny bit better, in fact it's getting worse. I'm now starting to have to face the true reality that this isn't a joke, this isn't some kind of sick prank, that she's actually gone and she's never coming back. It's not like if I just be patient and wait for a few months that I'll see her again. It's not like we're just on a break or something, or that she's away for a trip. She's gone. No force on this planet can bring her back to me. And I'm now just starting to have to truly face that fact, and I'm not doing well with it at all.

I'm not sure how spiritual you are or what beliefs you have, but it does help some people a little to think that their loved ones are still alive and well but just in another place, waiting for the day that we pass on so they can meet us and guide us into the next world. To me this doesn't help too much, because I wanted to share this world with my girl. I wanted her to experience it with me, and she wanted to experience it with me. Even if I will meet her again someday in the future in another world, what about this one? 

Please do keep posting here though, because there's a lot of really loving, great people here, all of us sharing this horrible, agonizing loss that brings out the worst possible emotions that the human condition can possibly experience. 

[KayC]

Christine,

I am very sorry for your loss...losing a husband is different from other types of loss, it affects every aspect of your life  Right now you're just trying to process this, how can it be, take it all in and it's a bit much to say the least.  It took me probably three years to process my husband's death and even longer to adjust and build a life for myself and find any purpose in it.  Grieving takes not only time but a great much effort.  Right now you're probably exhausted, having a hard time thinking...this is what we can brain fog, due to grief.  It was a year before I could watch a movie, ten years before I could really focus in reading books.  We're all different in how it hits us and in our timeline so what one person's grief is like is different for the next person.

The one thing I can assure you is you will make your way through this, even though you probably don't see how that's possible right now.  It's important to take one day (or minute) at a time, no more than that because any more is overwhelming and invites anxiety.  Be gentle and kind with yourself, patient, understanding, you will need it.  Eat something healthy even if you don't feel like it, it gives your brain it's optimum chance of making it through this day somewhat intact.  

One of the most important things I found I needed was to be heard by someone who understood and my feelings validated...this is a good place for that because we all get it.  This is a safe place and it was a forum such as this that was my lifesaver when my George passed away.  I hope you will continue to come here.

[Andy]

Christine, 

I don't have the words, but know that I, and everyone here, wished they did. I pray you find some comfort and peace, even in small moments. 

KayC is a wellspring of wisdom and kindness, she, and the many others here, are so willing to open up and share their experiences, to relive those horrible days to just reach out and help our fellow mourners. We are alone, but we aren't. Only you understand exactly how you feel, it was a singular and unique relationship, but everyone here, unfortunately, has suffered a terrible and life altering loss. I lost my wife Dec 31, 2016. I cry everyday. I wish I had no idea about any of this. I wish 2017 had never come. But here I am. 

Post as often as you'd like, this has been such a blessing, finding this site. Talking about it, with people who truly understand what you're saying, has been so much help. I love these folks, and I believe you'll find some of these fellow travelers to be truly inspirational. 

Peace and comfort to you,

Andy

[KMB]

Christine---Words can be inadequate but I'll say anyway, how sorry I am. I'm already broken hearted from losing my husband of 25 years, but when someone new joins this forum, it adds to my grieving. I know the pain, emptiness, loneliness, confusion. We, and life as we knew it, are forever changed. We are zombies in the land of the lost.

I'm sorry you lost your husband to that ugly disease, cancer. I lost mine to sudden cardiac arrest. It makes you wonder if anyone is lucky to live to natural old age and go peacefully in their sleep. That is the way it should be. We should be allowed to go that natural way with our spouses.

I hope you have a support system of family and friends. We so need human interaction and love at this time. I am where you are, even though it'll be the 6 month mark for me late tomorrow night. My husband and I were very close and spent 24/7 together. I do my share of staring off into space and not doing much of anything. I take care of our pets, they are my biggest comfort. I take care of the necessities of living. But I am still floundering. Like you, I don't know how to do this without him.

Please keep posting and sharing. There are many wonderful people here. This forum has become my life line, everybody here is in the same boat of loss.

Prayers of comfort to you.

[ModHerc]

Christine Austin-Quist,

There are no words to ease your pain, but I am sorry for your tremendous loss.  Your love was taken from you too soon.  I only had 12 years with my wife who shares your first name.  She had medical issues which put me in the role of care giver as you were with your husband.  I find myself staring at nothing and wandering aimlessly around the places she and I used to share everyday.

It hasn't gotten better or easier for me.  It has been less than two months, yet those days have stretched into what feels at times like an infinite period of pain and loneliness.  Yet there have been moments where some things break through the haze I now live in.

I hope those moments come to you as well.  Many of them have come to me while reading the thoughts of the wonderful people here like fzald, KayC, Andy, and KMB.  You probably feel as alone as I do, but know there are others walking this path with you who will share their experiences in this new existence we face.

[Francine]

 

Christine,

 

I wish I had words to lighten your agony but sometimes words are just not enough.   Losing my husband was the worst day of my entire life and I still feel the pain - the pain that literally eats your inside away.   I was married for nearly 45 years and like you, my husband was my whole world, my life; my heart.  He was an amazing friend, husband and exceptional human being.  Still can't believe he's gone. The day he was taken from this eath, a light went out of my life and shadows were everywhere.  Still now, daylight eventually come but the brightness is never the same.  I sometimes find myself staring aimlessly in space not knowing what purpose is there for me to still be here.  While your husband may not be there with you in person, his love will always stay beside you, around you, and protect you. Know that your husband life's work is done and God took him home where this no pain or suffering.  Only Love and Peace.  Just imagine that.  

I understand the way you feel and the pain you must be going through.  It is like God has been unkind, but even God chooses the Best; know that your husband's soul is enlighten the  garden of paradise.  He is in the sun, the wind, the rain; he's in the air you breathe; with every breath you take.   I pray God's loving kindness will comfort you; HIS love would fill your heart.  I pray that HE will reveal, in your heart, the purpose of your husband death or the good that could come for your loss; and I pray God helps you regain strength and confidence in your name.

Stay strong for he would never want to see you cry.   While words, however kind, can't mend your heatache, but we on this website care and share your loss with you and wish you peace of mind.  As God's comfort comes,  we have the assurance of his loving care and an abiding peace that is beyond all understanding .  In your heart, I hope you know the certain expectation of good things to come and the promise of seeing our loved one again.

God Bless us all!

 

              

[KayC]

15 hours ago, KMB said:

We are zombies in the land of the lost.

I think that's a good analogy...when I see zombies on t.v., it reminds me of how we feel, like we're lost, searching, trying to find our way.

[Mrs. Plummer]

Christine, I am so sorry, love. The last night of your husband's sounds very much like mine. I'm typing this to you at 1.30 pm Australian time, and I am still in my nightie reeking of perspiration. It's very okay that you don;t know how to do this. It's a frightful learning curve that has been forced on us, and there's not a lot of enthusiasm - read zero - for doing anything without our beloveds. It will change slowly, Christine..a dinner invitation that you perhaps want to accept, but only if it's with people who understand.... but for now, just needing to sit and stare and think is where you're at and there's nothing wrong with it.

God, I HATE cancer. I'm glad you found this board, Christine, and I hope you'll find it as helpful as I have.

Louise