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Tiffany_Day

My mum died suddenly and I feel completely lost within myself

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My mum was my only parent and she was the kindest, most loyal and beautiful personI knew. She was the glue that kept our family together and I love her more than I can even describe.

She had a long string of medical problems and because of this she also had an addiction to painkillers and prescription medication. It started when I was about 13 (I'm 23 now), and for years everyone watched her slowly get worse.

I often felt like we had been abandoned by most of our family and I decided to make it my mission to "save Mum", and make her better. We had countless arguments about her unhealthy lifestyle and she was very stubborn... but I never gave up. I kept thinking that one day she would get better.... and now I just feel like I've completely failed. It's unbearable.

This year I bought my first house and Mum was so proud and happy for me. The last time I spoke to her was on a Saturday when she called to tell me she wasn't coming to visit me on Monday and that she'd wait until we were all settled in our new place.

On Monday she died. My 17 year old sister found her on the kitchen floor. We don't have the official coroners report but assume it had to do with her medication. (She had a few hospital trips before due to the same thing...)

The rest of the week was a blur of packing up her things, funeral arrangements and moving house to a completely different city. I didn't expect for time to go so fast or anticipate all of the things you actually had to do when someone dies.

At her funeral (and whilst planning it), I somehow had this weird idea in my head that we were just throwing Mum a huge party filled with photos of her and flowers she liked... and afterwards I'd get to see her again...None of it seemed real. It still doesn't.

Im completely at a loss. My partner and I have started renovating our house but I feel very little joy in anything. Which makes me feel terrible for him because I feel like I'm barely present in anything we do lately. I don't often cry..... truthfully I think I'm terrified of experiencing and accepting life without her. How can I accept that she just doesn't exist anymore? She was supposed to be here.

I'm so angry at everyone and I hate hearing "I'm so sorry for your loss"... I understand people are trying to be helpful but I just feel like nothing matters. If they can't bring Mum back they can't help me.

Yesterday I reluctantly booked an appointment with someone to talk to about all of this.... but I guess I am wondering what the point is? Has anyone actually found it helpful to seek professional help?

Apologies this is so long and thanks to anyone who read my rambling mess of thoughts..

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I totally understand how you feel. My mom just died unexpectedly last Wednesday and it just doesn't seem real. Her funeral is this Saturday I am just afraid I am going to lose it seeing her in a casket. I just want to say hang in there and take as much time as you need to grieve. From reading others stories, I guess this can be a really long process.

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Dear Tiffany,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can relate to so much of what you are writing about. You are an amazing person and daughter. You did the best you could for your mum. You did not fail. I know there is a lot of raw emotions during this difficult time. So much anger as you said even when people are trying to be helpful. We all want our parents back. I do too. I thought my dad would live to 100. The reality of losing our parents is a horrible shock. It will take a long time to wrap our heads around what happened.

Everyone is different. But I'm glad you are going to speak with a grief counselor. It never hurts. I continue to try everything I can. I'm reading a book called the The Grief Recovery Handbook. I've talked to a counselor. Joined a support group. Try to keep myself busy with work. But still there are days where the thought of my dad will choke me up and I will cry for a little bit. I fear the pain will be with me the rest of my life. My friends tell me that it will just take time. I really don't believe them. So I am waiting for the one year anniversary and see how I have progressed. Till then I continue to mourn my father. Even though the whole world keeps going, I feel like mine has stopped.

Thinking of you. Wanted to say everything you are saying and feeling is normal and part of grief. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Sending you hugs.

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@DANIELLE BUCKNER I'm so sorry you can relate to this. There truly aren't any words to express how horrible it is. On the morning of my mums funeral everything felt so surreal. I think I was in shock as for the start of it, I was rather composed. Prior to this (the day after she died) I had viewing with her at the hospital... while it's not like it is in the movies, it was definitely not nice and she didn't look "well"..... so seeing her in the casket was less difficult for me. My sister and I had spent hours whilst planning the funeral choosing out a pretty white outfit for her and had specific requests about how Mum liked her hair and makeup..... and she looked beautiful.... and it was so sad because she looked well enough to get up and come home with us... but you could also tell that she wasn't "there" anymore... to be honest with you, aside from small outburst of tears I spent most of the funeral feeling numb and in a daze... at the wake I was angry. So angry with everyone standing around drinking and eating while my mum was gone.  I can't say or even imagine what Saturday will be like for you as every experience can be different..... but I do remember feeling afraid before it too... the anticipation was much worse, and it was over so quickly too. I almost wanted it be longer. Because for me, after the funeral I felt like that's when people expect you to start your proper grieving process and I just didn't and still don't feel ready. My thoughts will be with you this Saturday, if you are doing a eulogy I'd suggest having a backup person to be able to take over for you if you get upset. Your celebrant should be able to.... be kind to yourself <3 xx

 

@reader Thanks so much for your response and I am truly sorry about your dad. I think it's so great that you are trying  different things like support groups and books...I've heard a few people mention The Grief Recovery Handbook, I may have to get myself a copy. Everything you said really resonated with me.... it's true that the world just keeps going on and I hate it. We have both lost one of the important people in our lives but things happen exactly the same. But they're just not here anymore and don't get to witness simple things they always got to like sunsets or new films. It's such a bizarre concept and I don't know how to ever get over it either. I also feel like people close to you give you an unsaid amount of time before they expect you to be "back to normal".... but they can't understand that what was once normal for you will never be again. I read a quote that I find quite relatable... it's something like "When you died a piece of me died with you, but a piece of you also lives within me." Theirs was written more poetically but you get the gist haha... it makes me sad but it also helps me in some small way. Sending you lots of hugs too. Take care <3

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Hi, Tiffany.  I started seeing a grief counselor almost immediately and it has helped me to at least function at work.  I think the most important part about grief counseling is to find someone who is a good fit for you. 

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First of all, I am very sorry for everyone's loss  I can sure relate to your pain. I think no such pain in the world could explain or describe what we feel inside after the loss of the most important person in our lives. The person who gave us our life, the person who stood by us through our good and bad moments. The person who loved us more than anything in the world... I lost my mother on Jan 18th. It's been a month, and the pain and emptiness inside me won't go away. I am 27. My mom was 60. It'was all so sudden and without any warning that I can't believe that this is real. I was at my parent's house, I was sleeping, and I just heard yelling. Went down the stairs and I saw people from the ambulance trying to revive my mother. My father was standing looking terrified like his world was crashing right in front of my eyes. I didn't know what to do, started shaking, and I started praying. It's weird how always in moments like that we turn to prayers. I've never been a big believer, but I need at that moment someone to help, to help my mother's heart to beat again. After 10 mins of trying to revive her, the doctors quit and pronounced her dead. The last hope died in me; my feet started shaking, my father started crying in disbelief.  He said to me I am all alone now...I hugged him, and I said you will never be alone. I started crying... Then I went to my mother's body and kissed her on the forehead. She was still warm, and she looked so peaceful. We called my brother, and he came all in tears. We simply couldn't believe that the woman who gave us life, who fought for us, who got us through every obstacle that the life throw at us, is gone. She was the most unselfish mother; she wanted the best for her children and her husband, she gave us so much to remember. It's been one month and I still can't believe that she's gone. I expect her to hear her, to see her, to hug her but instead, there's emptiness. It doesn't get easier with time... it gets harder... just maybe we learn to live with that pain. I really don't know how to live without her, I need her so much. I just hope that she knew how much was loved and how we appreciate everything that she did for us. Love you, mom <3

I felt inside that I needed to share my story so as many people can know that my mother had a big heart with enough love for everyone.

We must all be strong. I know that my mother would've wanted me to be and I hope that she's looking over us from somewhere above.

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Dear RareButterfly,

Thank you for sharing your mom's love with us all. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain is deep. Losing our parents is a terrible shock. You are so right. Time only makes it harder. The reality of the loss is getting harder. Tonight I came home and I was getting choked up again because I couldn't see my dad. I will try to take comfort in your words. And try to stay strong. Take care and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

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Dear reader, thank you for your kind words. If you feel that you need someone for chat or support I am here. Stay strong and be safe, that's what our loved ones would've wanted...

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Thank you RareButterfly. Your kindness and support means a lot. I promise to try to keep going. Our parents did everything they could to give us the love and skills to carry on. I know we must try and honor them by living the best life we can. (((hugs))))

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