fzald

Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.

345 posts in this topic

I believe in heaven and I believe he is there, and that is all that gets me through. But then I worry how I will know him there and that I might have 50 years before I find out. It's so hard to decide whether to look at his pictures or not. I want to but then like you said I just shake and get upset. Just now I looked at his Facebook page and I saw that status again, the one he was tagged in letting me know he was gone. I just started crying, and I got al sweaty and hot. I wonder if he can think about me now and if he wants to. It's like I'm frozen in that time right before he died too. I don't feel like it's March I feel like it's still back a few days before Christmas and I'm waiting to see him. I feel like everyday is just nothing. It's just a 24 hour obstacle course to make it to the next 24 hour obstacle course. When I come home from work I just want to lay in the bed. When I am working it's with zero enthusiasm or drive. 

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I too feel like I am stuck. I feel like my heart is back in January when she was alive, when our futures were still full of possibility, when our love for each other was so evident and strong, when our future plans even for like Valentine's Day were still within reach.

I feel like I am waiting for something still. What I don't know. She can't come back, even though I wish for it. Maybe I am waiting for a wish that can never be granted. Eventually I have to take in that she's gone forever. I have resisted that now for almost 2 months. I don't know how to accept it. 

I feel like I'll be frozen and stuck in this mode forever.

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9 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

But then I worry how I will know him there

How would you know him here?  You will know him there the same way.  We will recognize each other same as we do here.

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20 hours ago, new133 said:

 

I thought  grieving is normal for 6 months to a year. whatever, they are just guidelines.

 

I hate to break it to you but it's not six months to a year...it's forever.  Before you despair, however, it does change form.  It does not stay the same.  It does not remain in the same intensity.  It's not that anything changes so much as WE begin to adjust, and therefore, our grief evolves.  It's not gone though.  Not even hardly.  I miss my husband each and every day of my life.  It's been almost TWELVE YEARS!  It doesn't go away...he's still not here.  He's not lying next to me in bed.  I can talk to him but there's no answer.  He can't help me lift something, his paycheck long since disappeared, I can't feel his chest or his arms around me.  I can't see the look on his face when I cook his favorite meal.  No, grief continues...  

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KayC, Sunday will make it five months since Stan passed. It's been really hard but I am coping better. I try to keep busy as much as I can and it helps. I'm still sad most of the time and miss him all the time. I know we will grieve forever for our loved ones until we are with them again. KayC you are real source of support and inspiration for us here on this forum. Thank you for being here. 

My anxiety is setting in as I know that I am attending the funeral in a few hours. Just typing this has my stomach in knots. I know I will get through it but I can't help but feel this way. Will let you know how it goes. 

God bless you my friend 

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Nads,

Do you have any anti-anxiety medication?  Maybe a glass of wine to relax you first?  (Normally I recommend not drinking in grief, but a little to relieve anxiety can be helpful in a situation like this, it's just when people are grieving they can "drown their sorrows", going overboard isn't a good idea.)

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KayC I just worry about how I will know him there because of how I knew him here. (Christian view point) I get scared maybe only pure relationships are preserved and we will just look like a big sin to each other there. Or I worry I might not be important to him at all there or so much time might pass I won't be remembered as an important aspect of his life. I have so many worries that I know are probably invalid and will be invalid once I make it to heaven but right now I just have so many questions and worried thoughts. 

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13 hours ago, fzald said:

I too feel like I am stuck. I feel like my heart is back in January when she was alive, when our futures were still full of possibility, when our love for each other was so evident and strong, when our future plans even for like Valentine's Day were still within reach.

I feel like I am waiting for something still. What I don't know. She can't come back, even though I wish for it. Maybe I am waiting for a wish that can never be granted. Eventually I have to take in that she's gone forever. I have resisted that now for almost 2 months. I don't know how to accept it. 

I feel like I'll be frozen and stuck in this mode forever.

Me too. I just wait on one day to turnover to the next. I grieve for him also while grieving that my marriage will never be what it should be and I just feel like love must not have been meant for me. It's the one thing I wanted the most since I was a child. That and being a mother of course. My friends say things like "you could have any man in the world you want" but there isn't a man in the world I want anymore. He isn't here in he world at all. It's like I told him once, you can find someone attractive but not be attracted to them at all. He was attractive but I was also attracted to him, to his personality and soul. I won't ever feel that again. 

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Each day when I come to work I walk past the snack bar in the lobby.

When my girlfriend was alive, every time I would come in I would text her to see if she wanted something to eat. Our work was pretty unscheduled, other than meetings and client appointments we basically could come and go. So sometimes I would be there before her, so she'd tell me to pick her up her "usual". Or, maybe she was already in the office for a meeting and didn't have time to stop by herself. I'd always go by the snack bar and get her some food. The person working the snack bar got to know both of us personally and sometimes even had "our" orders all ready to go. 

I miss that so much now. I still come in and want to text her to ask her if she wants breakfast. I still want to ask her how she is. I still want to do those little favors for her that I used to do every day. 

It's still pretty cold where I live. In the winter, sometimes she would not be feeling well, and I would go out in the bitter cold to walk to the nearby restaurants and get us lunch or supper. The cold was brutal sometimes, but I always thought of her, and I would brave the weather just to make sure we had food and that she didn't have to go out in the cold unnecessarily. 

I loved her so much that I would do all these things for her despite the "pain" they caused. Her smile, her hug, her "thank you so much" all of those things meant so so much to me, more than I ever realized they did. 

I feel empty every day when I come to work now. I feel like I have no purpose. I do my job because I'm needed. Because I have skills and knowledge I'm being paid for. Not because I love the job. My love of anything in this life went way when she died. Now I just exist. 

This Friday will be 8 weeks since I hugged her. 8 weeks since I said "Bye! See you!" 8 weeks since I actually did all of the things I just mentioned in this message. A short 8 weeks. The pain is unbearable. The empty feeling defines my existence now. I feel I have nothing to offer to the world anymore. Without my love, I have no meaning. Others may "need" me, but I am replaceable, just as she was. What am I truly here for now? 

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So, last night I have the most vivid and detailed dream I've had of her since she passed. This one also went on for quite a long time, perceptually it was at least a half hour or even longer to me. Bear with me, long post...

It started with me being at work. I was alone at my desk, there were others in the room though. (We basically have open desks in a large work area, we're a pretty collaborative bunch) Last week we had rearranged the office a little, but in my dream the office still had the old arrangement, when she was alive and still working here.

As has happened in many other dreams, she walks into the office. She is walking with a little bit of a limp, and has some obvious signs of recovering from head surgery. She comes in and sits at her desk.

Unlike in other dreams, people do look up and notice her and make comments, but it doesn't seem to affect people as deeply. In other dreams I had, everyone in the office would be saying "holy sh---!" and welcoming her back. In this dream, people said "Oh wow look, it's her. Good to see you." And go back to their work.

But anyway, so she sat down and I said hi. She smiled and said hi back. 

In my dream I am aware that she has been gone for a long time. I say "What happened?"

"I don't know," she says. "Last thing I remember was being with my family on my trip. Suddenly I got dizzy and that's the last thing I remember."

I say "But what happened in the hospital? Did they say anything? I heard you had a brain hemorrhage."

She says "Yeah, they said that too. I don't know exactly what happened. I just woke up this morning, in the hospital and I said I wanted to go to work so they let me out and here I am."

I say "Oh my god... It is so good to see you! I missed you so much, it was so scary, I thought you died."

She says "A few other people said that too, I dunno, must have just been an ugly rumor."

In the dream, her desk is empty, cleared out, just as it is in real life. I ask her when she is going to get her things back so she can bring her stuff back to work. I even think of specific things I know she will need.

"I don't know, knowing my family I'm not sure."

I tell her that we can give her whatever she needs from office supplies for now. "Thanks." she says. I even tell her that if there was anything special she needs that her family has and won't give us that we'll just get her another one.

I ask her how her cognition is. Like I ask "Any problems? Memory problems? Think you'll be able to do the technical stuff you were doing before?"

She says "I think so. I dunno though, my family doesn't want me to stay here."

I say "Why? And does that really matter? You're here. If you can do the job here then we'd love you back! I would love to have you back! Why wouldn't your family want you here?"

She says "I know. I want to come back. I'm not sure though, with my family, especially after what they found out."

"Found out?" I ask. I start thinking about how her family discovered our relationship after she died, and rejected and denied it.

She just says "You know, things they found out." She won't elaborate.

So because I knew this was an issue, our relationship, I ask "Are WE ok? Our relationship?"

She says "I want us to be. Even if my family doesn't want it. I want to be with you. I still want to."

The grin on my face probably lit up the room. I cross over to her desk and give her a big hug. She hugs me back.

"I missed you," I say, almost crying. "You have no idea."

"I missed you too," she says.

"I promise you. We will get through anything. We will make it work. All those arguments we had before? Forget about them. We'll make things work. I promise you."

"I promise too," she said. Then suddenly she said "Hang on, I'll be right back." She gets up and heads out of the office. Just like she might have done in real life if she was going to the bathroom or going to get a snack or something. 

I stand there for about a minute with the silliest giggly grin on my face. Then I decide that I should let people know she's alive. I go into the lounge where we used to hang out and try to call my mom. I notice that the phone I'm holding is not mine, but is my girlfriend's. I go out in the hall and see her standing talking to a small group of people. "Hey, I grabbed your phone by accident somehow," I say and hand it to her. "Thanks!" she says. I go back to the office, grab my phone, and go in the lounge to call my mom. I get voicemail, so I leave her a message telling her that I have amazing news and to call me right away. The message on my mom's voicemail is exactly the same as it is in real life in my dream.

While I'm in the lounge I check something on the computer in there. Don't remember what it is exactly but definitely was on the computer.

I come out of the lounge and a friend of mine is standing in the hall. I tell her that something amazing happened and it turns out my girl is alive. "I know, I saw her. Wow dude that's amazing! I'm so happy for you!" she says. 

I go back to the office and stand at her desk, just reveling in the feelings. She walks back in a bit later. I hug her again and whisper "I love you." She squeezes me tightly and says "I love you too. I'm sorry you worried. But I'm back. I'm here. I still want you." I start tearing up and say "I want you too. I love you so much. Don't be sorry, everything is OK now." She says "It is. We're OK." 

While in the midst of the hug I wake up.

-----

Ok, so what makes this  dream so particularly interesting and sad all at once is that all of the details in it were correct. It wasn't an abstract place that I don't know but that felt right in the dream. It was our actual office. In one part I even used the door keypad to open up the lounge and distinctly remember entering the actual correct code. The only thing that differed is that the lighting seemed different. It was actually darker. The overhead lights in the office were out but there was still light coming from somewhere. We have no windows, but it almost was like there were windows but I didn't see them. But it could just as well been floor lamps or some kind of indirect lighting I didn't pay attention to. Same for the lounge, it was dark but still light. But everything was in the right place. The hall lights were on and the "Scenes" that happened in the hall looked 100% real, as it would have when she was alive.

Everything in the dream felt SO REAL. Not distant or abstract like most dreams I've had, even of her. But so very, VERY real. When I woke up, for a few moments I actually believed I would wake up and go to work and see her again. Then I remembered the truth, and it slammed me down so hard that I haven't been able to perk up at all today. I'm on the verge of crying every second, sometimes I do but I can't keep it going for long. I'm at work today and I am expecting everything in the dream to suddenly become real. I thought i was slowly starting to stop wishing it wasn't real and start accepting but I am backtracking hard today. Today every time someone walks in I think it's her. Someone's keys jingle out in the hall and I think it's her. I can't convince myself to stop. That dream was just so real, so perfect, so "correct". Her voice. Her mannerisms. Her personality was all there. 

But even trivial things. The computer in the lounge was the same as in real life. I remember clicking through things on it. The door keypad. The carpet on the floor was the same. The lights in the hall were the same. 

Maybe it was just wishful thinking, because of course I still do wish she were still here. And there was no real "I'm happy on the other side" message in there. 

If you've actually read all the way to here, thanks. I don't know what to make of any of this, but all I know is it's all that's on my mind today. I miss her so so deeply. I know my dream could just be a manifestation of that missing her, but if it was a visitation or contact, what was she trying to say??

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On 3/15/2017 at 10:22 AM, Numb and Lost said:

I get scared maybe only pure relationships are preserved and we will just look like a big sin to each other there.

Or maybe the sin is removed and the pure love of the relationship is preserved.

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3 hours ago, fzald said:

if it was a visitation or contact, what was she trying to say?

The one thing that hit me is that regardless of how her family feels, she wants to be with YOU!  That has to feel validating!

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KayC,

I hadn't thought of it that way. I don't know if it's contact, but if it is, that's definitely something. I have always known that she loves me and wants to be with me. I do hope it was contact, because hearing her say it like that is something so many people want and need. It would still be so much better if she were alive of course.

And yes, that link is for breakups, not death. I've been through breakup grief, and I wrote a post about it on this forum a while back. It's similar in some ways but hugely different. The most obvious difference is that for the most part, you did not separate with significant negative feelings, and you also have a finality that a breakup does not have. People do sometimes find their way back together after a breakup, but for those of us in death, it's impossible to ever find our way back to them in this life. I only hope that there is another world for us, that I'll be able to see her again someday. I hope for this. I have been struggling with doubt, but I hope there is more out there.

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The thing that stood out to me and bothered me about that article in that link is it talked about LEARNING FROM THE RELATIONSHIP.  I find it extremely offensive that someone would post that here!  WE WANTED OUR RELATIONSHIP!  We don't need to "learn lessons" we can take with us into our new relationship!!!  We aren't planning on HAVING new relationships, it's just way offensive and inappropriate here!

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Today I had to work on my taxes here in the US. I was going through receipts and invoices and found myself often crying or needing to take a break to feel pain. I have one file of receipts and around tax time I sort through them and find the ones that are applicable for deductions and the like. I found many receipts for items I bought for my girlfriend, things we bought together to share, trips we went on, even restaurant receipts, like the one for the last time we went out of town together and ate at one of her favorite places. 

It's amazing how simple physical reminders of what was real can hurt so bad. It was only a few months ago that we were so happy. A short time. In my dream she said she wanted me, and in life she wanted me too. I always tried to be a positive force in her life, in the face of her family and less-than-faithful friends I wanted to be the shining light that could guide her through the pain. I hate so much that I don't have her anymore to be here for, that all the love and compassion for her that still overflows within me has nowhere to go. It's not as simple as "channel it into something else". She was the one person who, if I made happy, everything was right. When she was happy, I was happy and I could give and give to the rest of the world. Now with her gone, I can't make her happy. Maybe she is truly happy now, but I can't know that, and I feel so alone and separated that I can't be happy myself.

I hate this life.

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43 minutes ago, KayC said:

Or maybe the sin is removed and the pure love of the relationship is preserved.

That is certainly what I hope and pray for. Thank you.

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2 minutes ago, KayC said:

The thing that stood out to me and bothered me about that article in that link is it talked about LEARNING FROM THE RELATIONSHIP.  I find it extremely offensive that someone would post that here!  WE WANTED OUR RELATIONSHIP!  We don't need to "learn lessons" we can take with us into our new relationship!!!  We aren't planning on HAVING new relationships, it's just way offensive and inappropriate here!

I hope that poster was just trying to be helpful and did a quick google search or something. But you're right. I mean, if any of us do end up in new relationships I'm sure that the things the relationship we lost taught us will stick with us. But this wasn't a choice. This wasn't due to something anyone did wrong. The things we learned in our relationships, we wanted to apply to those same relationships! My girlfriend did help improve my character, I know this. But I wanted to be that better man FOR HER. 

There was one time she actually did say to me that she was so happy that I was a better person now, and she said that even if we couldn't be together long-term for some reason she was glad that I would be able to be better for someone else. I don't know if she was talking about death. I think she herself was down at that time and felt she didn't deserve ME with all of the goodness I embodied. Her comment seemed to come from a position of "you are so good, I don't deserve you, so if we aren't together you will have your gifts to give to someone else." I told her at that time that SHE was the reason I was improving myself, and that SHE deserved me for that reason alone among many other reasons. 

As I said, I've read plenty of breakup grief literature, because I've been through that experience. Some of the aspects of grieving are the same, but the experience is so, so different. The advice is different. It would probably be considered "Weird" or "obsessive" to make memorials to a broken relationship with someone who is still alive. But for us those things are more than appropriate, one of our only outlets for the agony and misery of being alone. 

None of us chose this, but also, none of our lovers chose this. That's one of the key differences. The people we lost did not choose to leave us, did not choose to die or leave this world. Even in the case of suicide, I don't believe even those people truly intended to leave us behind and suffer, they just were suffering so much on their own and couldn't see any way to pull through. I'm sure if they had a choice they would have lived and loved, just like if we had a choice we would be happy and be our old selves rather than being so sad and lonely. Of course we would also choose to have our loves back, but nobody really chooses grief. 

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Also in a break up you always have the hope of rekindling that relationship, or hope to run into them again. We don't have that. We can only hope to see them when we die. 

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5 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

Also in a break up you always have the hope of rekindling that relationship, or hope to run into them again. We don't have that. We can only hope to see them when we die. 

Yes, breakups leave the door open to reunite in THIS life, on THIS planet. Sometimes there are beautiful stories of people who broke up, reconnect, and then get to relive and share all their old memories again as well as new ones, here in the same place. They get to fulfill the promises they made on this Earth, even if it's later. 

We never will have that choice, ever. We are stuck hoping that maybe there is a next life, but also knowing that next life will be very different and nothing we have here will come with us to the next life. Almost everything that matters here won't matter there. 

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I'm having a really bad night. I can't stop thinking about his smile and I can't stop crying. I've walked all over the house to hide my crying. I had been doing a little better and at least confined my break downs to when I am in the car. Memories just flooded me tonight and I just cannot comprehend that I won't see him smiling at me again. It all hurts so much. It hurts that I never got to see him and wear hat dress he wanted me to wear, I couldn't go to the funeral, and I wasn't even supposed to love him. My heart is just so broken and I don't know how I can ever have a meaningful life with this pain. I'll never have that feeling again that he gave me when I saw his messages on my phone or when I saw him. I feel so hopeless.

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fzald, My perceivement is that if there is a next life with our soulmates, it should be different. It will be better because of the lessons we learned in this life. Our souls retain those lessons. So in our next life, our intuitions will tell us to be more health conscious, even more loving , attentive, empathetic. Medical advancements should be in place in the next life. I am hoping that humanity in general will be more loving, supportive than they are now. i am hoping the whole world will be better in the next run and we all have the ability to live longer, more fulfilling lives.

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Numb and Lost---I am sorry you are having a bad night. I'm staying online a little longer than I do because I can't face the loneliness of another night.

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Numb, I have those feelings almost every day, those feelings of never again. I did get to go to her funeral but I don't know how much it "helped" me. I still often feel like I wasn't looking at her, like I was looking at a museum depiction of her, something that they might put in a touristy place to show off her beauty, but not really her. Sometimes I think I'm doing somewhat OK and then I have a flood of memories and "regress" all the way back to the beginning. I think of all of the things we won't ever get to share, but even more I think of what we did share and what I lost. She still belongs at work. Every day I go there and I work but I feel her absence. I still think I'm dealing with it by "pretending it's just temporary". I still sometimes think if I just wait long enough she'll be back and we'll be together again. It's probably not helpful that so little in my life has changed other than her loss.  Some people have said that once life "moves forward" and things start changing that it gets easier because you have less of the constant triggers and memories. But i don't know. I will always remember her and the times we shared, and I will always wish that I could have her back in this world.

KMB, it feels like the afterlife shouldn't have so many ailments and diseases. If we don't have bodies to get sick in, then we can't get sick. Even if we do have physical bodies in some way, I feel like they would have to be far more advanced. I sometimes ask myself - do the same experiences we have here happen over there? Do you get to enjoy food and drink? Read books? Play games? Have sex? As someone who studies and works in technology for a living and a hobby, I am saddened to think that there would not be electronics and computers and the like on the "other side". But maybe they're just not needed, who knows. It is my hobby though, so I would probably be pretty bored without any technology. Hmm.

 

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I'm sorry you are having a lonely night KMB. I am blessed to have a little one that doesn't  allow me time to be lonely. I kept trying to go in other rooms to hide my crying but I have a little shadow! I feel guilty for being so miserable when I know I still have them but I can't help the pain I feel.

Fzald I have memories flooding back from the beginning too. I'll be going about my day working when suddenly I think of something from 12 years ago when we first met that I hadn't thought about in years. He has never even been in my house but I don't want to move because I remember places I sat and talked to him on the phone. Or I remember him wanting me to FaceTime him in my closet so he could pick out a dress. I'll have to move from here though and it will hurt even though he has never been here at all. I don't want things to change that didn't even have anything to do with him simply because I want things the way they were when he was here. 

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