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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Andy

Want to share my experience.

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Andy   
17 minutes ago, Jtl214 said:

I am so sorry for each and every one of you that lost someone. Tomorrow will be a month that my fiance passed. I admire the strength you all have. I don't feel so strong. I don't know if I'll ever be any kind of ok again. He was the only thing I have ever wanted in my entire life. One of the things that literally brings me to my knees is remembering some of our fights and thinking of how cruel I had been to him. I'm haunted by those memories and they shake me to my core. I love him with every particle of my existence and I feel like I can't make it without him. I'm running low on hope and I miss him so much that I can't breath. My family and friends force me to eat because it feels like I'm swallowing rocks. It gets harder with every day that goes by. I feel like I passed away with him and the only thing I feel is an eternal torture. I don't know how I'm going to survive this but I'm trying so hard. I desperately want to give up but I can't let the people who love me down. I will love him for the rest of my life and I don't ever want anyone else. 

I'm so very sorry for your loss and I'm deeply sorry for the world you've found yourself in. I've been here coming up on a year, and what I can tell you is that while time doesn't heal all wounds, it's does allow for acceptance and coping. I have felt everything that you feel, and I still feel much of what you do, but the frequency and intensity isn't as terrible, not nearly so. You will find your way, it will not be easy, it will feel like life is meaningless and without hope. And yes, the love of your family and friends will help and ground you, but IT IS NOT the same. What we have lost is profound in its hold on us, it "becomes" us. Part of us has died, and while we can and will breathe again, it will take great patience, with yourself and for those around you. This is like nothing else, it is a complex and intricate bond that exists between us and our beloveds. We literally have to learn how to "live" again, how to think, how to rearrange the context in which we see and process the world around us. Remember the things that made him fall in love with you, the things that made you the one he chose to be with. Never lose sight of that, remain true to that. He will always be a part of you, he will always matter, you will make sure of that. Breathing, living, thinking, "feeling", this will all take time and it will be different. No timetables, no rules, no expectations, this is YOUR grief. No one gets to tell you how to grieve. Take care of yourself, do what you need to stay healthy, but do what you have to do. 

And one last thing, people will tell you that you "need to be strong" or just to "be strong". While that sounds intuitive and it's the "right" thing to say, the truth is, being strong is near impossible. BE weak. Cry, scream, punch something, cures the universe or yourself or blame God, it's OKAY, being weak is all we're capable of sometimes. Sometimes, getting out of bed is all we can manage. And sometimes, great strength is revealed in our weakest moments. 

Peace, comfort and hugs,

Andy-

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Francine   
10 minutes ago, Andy said:

Francine!

Its good to hear from you again, it has been awhile and as I told KMB and KayC, I will try to stay a little more aware of the goings on here. 

You know, this is your timetable. If you need 100 years, if it take two weeks, then that's what it takes. And as far as what road you want to go down, that's all in good time. Don't force or overthink it, just let life unfold. God doesn't use neon signs to show us the way, sometimes God puts many paths in front of us, leaves it up to us. He knows ALL possibilities, and maybe he lets us use the free will he gave us. You get to choose, trust that whatever you decide as you move on, it'll be okay. We all have more than one horizon to chase, you pick when and where. And sometimes standing still is the best move. You'll get there. 

Love and hugs 

Andy-

Hey you -

You always knew the right words to say; your words have and always were so healing and uplifting.  You truly have a gift.   I had gone from the computer and was feeling pretty low, thinking and missing Charles  - I was hitting rock bottom and the tsunami had hit.  I turned on the TV to see if there was anything that would keep my interest and help me from drowning in my own tears. Flipping through the channels, I ran across Joel Osteen and wondered what the topic he was commenting on.  Low and behold, he was talking about the power of words and how they could uplift people at their lowest moments; how our words have creative power and how they can build up or tear down. He talked about how our words can bring victory or defeat and the affects on our future. How words speak life and encouragement, or strife and division. When we speak Gods Word we set into motion the very thing we declare.  I return to the computer and what do I find? A post from you with encouraging words.  No coincidence, no fluke - God! Thanks for the words Andy, I needed them.  And you know what, I do believe I'll get there; not today, or tomorrow, but someday, somehow.

 

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Andy   

Thank you Francine.

I love words. They are the notes to which our hearts sing by. I try to listen and I choose my words to get my thoughts and feelings across with as much sincerity as I can. Thank you for finding value in anything I say. Bless you my friend.

Andy- 

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KayC   
10 hours ago, Jtl214 said:

I am so sorry for each and every one of you that lost someone. Tomorrow will be a month that my fiance passed. I admire the strength you all have. I don't feel so strong. I don't know if I'll ever be any kind of ok again. He was the only thing I have ever wanted in my entire life. One of the things that literally brings me to my knees is remembering some of our fights and thinking of how cruel I had been to him. I'm haunted by those memories and they shake me to my core. I love him with every particle of my existence and I feel like I can't make it without him. I'm running low on hope and I miss him so much that I can't breath. My family and friends force me to eat because it feels like I'm swallowing rocks. It gets harder with every day that goes by. I feel like I passed away with him and the only thing I feel is an eternal torture. I don't know how I'm going to survive this but I'm trying so hard. I desperately want to give up but I can't let the people who love me down. I will love him for the rest of my life and I don't ever want anyone else. 

I am sorry for your loss, it's very hard to lose that person we loved more than anything in the world, our other half.  We can't change anything in the past but one thing to keep in mind is, if he was able to get past your fights, then you need to try to also.  We don't just see the part, but the whole...he saw the whole of you, you saw the whole of him, so that neither of you focused solely on just the bad bits or you wouldn't have been able to move forward in your relationship.  Even in death we need to remember the whole, not the bit.  

Right now it's hard to see anything but your pain, and it feels tortuous.  Grief is forever but it does not remain the same, it evolves, and in time the intensity will lessen, and it will settle into something more palatable to handle.  I know you can't see that now, but it does, it's our body's way of survival.

It does help to express yourself and know you are heard so I hope you continue to come here and read and post.  It helps to have the others here to go through this with and know you are not alone in how you feel.

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Francine   
12 hours ago, Jtl214 said:

I am so sorry for each and every one of you that lost someone. Tomorrow will be a month that my fiance passed. I admire the strength you all have. I don't feel so strong. I don't know if I'll ever be any kind of ok again. He was the only thing I have ever wanted in my entire life. One of the things that literally brings me to my knees is remembering some of our fights and thinking of how cruel I had been to him. I'm haunted by those memories and they shake me to my core. I love him with every particle of my existence and I feel like I can't make it without him. I'm running low on hope and I miss him so much that I can't breath. My family and friends force me to eat because it feels like I'm swallowing rocks. It gets harder with every day that goes by. I feel like I passed away with him and the only thing I feel is an eternal torture.

I am so sorry for your loss and do feel your pain just from reading your post. I've come to realize that nothing in life prepares us for losing someone we love - nothing. I felt so much like you're feeling now when my Charles made his transition and I think we have all blamed ourselves in one way or another - it's natural.  It's been going on a year for me and it's still so difficult.  I used to wake up everyday and grieve him; now I wake everyday and know that a part of me is missing.  You're so fresh in this grief and it may feel that you will never be rid of it. You're suffering and very sad;  perhaps not the kind of sadness to where you cry all the time, but more of a sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty; making you feel weak and tired.  You are unsure which pain is worse - the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.  And yet, you can't sleep because there's sadness in your dreams also.  It's almost like a sadness you can't escape.  And I don't think you ever escape it; you learn to live with it. 

I’m certain the “progress” of moving through the uncharted waters of grief after such a loss is immeasurable; it’s one step forward, four steps back. It’s treading water, with your head slightly above, until you’re not. It’s swimming along, then drowning without notice. It’s not linear; there is nothing linear about grief. Whether in a day, a month, or in the course of a couple years– grief is not linear.  You'll think you're sailing through it OK and then all of a sudden – SMACK– out of nowhere grief beats the crap out of you.  It will strip you bare; show you things you don't want to know; that loss never ends; that there isn't a moment when you are all done; that you can't neatly put it away and move on - that just won't happen.  In time, it will become softer over time; more gentle.  The best we can do is feel it when it comes and let it go when we can.

13 hours ago, Jtl214 said:

I don't know how I'm going to survive this but I'm trying so hard. I desperately want to give up but I can't let the people who love me down. I will love him for the rest of my life and I don't ever want anyone else. 

That a girl - You will survive; it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.  I think if you want to truly honor your love one, go out in the world and live your absolute Best and Brightest. Make the most of the loved you shared and let that love shine for all to see.  Remember the good times, the devotion, the laughter - everything that made him special.   This strength you refer to is within us all and it doesn't come from what we can do; on the contrary, it comes from overcoming the things we think we can't do.

I'm praying that God gives you HIS love, strength and peace to get through this most difficult time.  Know we on this website are always here for you and one another.

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KMB   
20 hours ago, Jtl214 said:

I am so sorry for each and every one of you that lost someone. Tomorrow will be a month that my fiance passed. I admire the strength you all have. I don't feel so strong. I don't know if I'll ever be any kind of ok again. He was the only thing I have ever wanted in my entire life. One of the things that literally brings me to my knees is remembering some of our fights and thinking of how cruel I had been to him. I'm haunted by those memories and they shake me to my core. I love him with every particle of my existence and I feel like I can't make it without him. I'm running low on hope and I miss him so much that I can't breath. My family and friends force me to eat because it feels like I'm swallowing rocks. It gets harder with every day that goes by. I feel like I passed away with him and the only thing I feel is an eternal torture. I don't know how I'm going to survive this but I'm trying so hard. I desperately want to give up but I can't let the people who love me down. I will love him for the rest of my life and I don't ever want anyone else. 

I am so very sorry. Losing the person we most cherished, is unfathomable. Life as we knew it is shattered and so are we. No, we don't feel strong. But, we get good at putting on the mask for others. Inside, we are a crying, lost, confused mess. Until we are alone and we let it out. Just ourselves and our agony.

I understand your feelings of wanting to give up. Those feelings are part of the grieving. We don't want to go through this pain and go into survival mode. We just want our loved one back and the life we had with them. Or, as some of us wish, we want to be with them, wherever they are. Why did we get left behind? Why weren't we given the option? Some soul mates get to go together, in accidents.They are the lucky ones.

The only thing we can do is take it moment by moment, hour by hour and day by day. We will never be who we used to be. None of us will truly be 100%. We miss our loved one so very much and we will carry that with us the rest of our lives.Loss changes us. It changes our outlook on every aspect of living.

Keep allowing your family and friends to take care of you. Eating is hard I know, but some healthy food gives your body the strength it needs, to help you cope. Stay hydrated as well. One of the things I did and still do for myself, is going for walks. Focusing on the outdoors is a good way of getting out of our own head for a bit and the fresh air, exercise helps to clear the mind, get the body moving.

Grieving is the hardest thing we will probably have to do in this life. It takes a huge effort to get through each day and night. Get up the next day and repeat. Over time, it does get less difficult, and less intense. I know you don't want to hear that now and don't believe it. I didn't either in the beginning months.

Keep coming here to read posts or to cry, vent and holler. We are here for you and for each other. I have been here for a little over a year. I had 25 years with my husband and he left suddenly of cardiac arrest. I was in shock for many months and I go through my days now with a heavy load of sadness and just functioning automatically. It is going to be a long haul of survival.

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