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Andy

Want to share my experience.

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Andy   

Hello my friends,

I haven't posted in a while, just wanted to say that I've been doing fairly well. Personal events (family) have kept me occupied and my ability to regularly visit has been limited. Outside of that, my life is basically the same. I still think about my wife nearly every moment, I miss her constantly, and I still have to drive off some of the more difficult memories and emotions associated with he final hours. However, living has become "almost" routine again. Obviously a massive component of what was is gone, never to return, but the daily chore of work and home has once again developed its own rhythm. Things aren't nearly as bleak or hopeless. I still have my moments, but my outlook has improved, little by little. My wiring or internal geometry plays on my favor I suppose, I can only accept absolute grief for so long, I must see things for the better. I'm being counted on by others so I have to do my best. So, things are better. I still cry, I still get lost in yesterday, but I've turned at least a small corner I think. I hope to keep moving in a positive direction. 

To all my friends, those I know and those I haven't met yet, all my love and comfort,

Andy

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KayC   

Andy,

It's good to hear from you.  Having interaction with others, your daughter, your work, it all helps.  I made the mistake of staying home all day yesterday to rest, it was too much quiet, too much aloneness.  Am glad to be back to regular schedule today.

I don't cry often anymore, I guess my tears are on the inside.

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KMB   

Andy, Good to hear from you. It appears you are doing as well as can be expected. It is good to have the opportunities to place your focus on your family and work. Those moments help you to get out of your own head for a bit. Our grieving is always going to be a part of us, but we do need to not stay there all the time. Tracie is your guardian angel now. Walking alongside you every step of your journey.:wub:

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HHFaith   

Yes Andy. So good to hear from you. I also have not been here for a bit. Busy with the new job. My daughter is visiting and will be heading back to LA tomorrow. Missing her already!  Lots going on in my life. Made first trip to cemetery with my daughter a week ago. Was a thousand times worse than I expected. I'll read and write more later when I have the time and when I'm back to being home alone again. Hope you're all doing ok. 

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Andy   

Hello to all of my old friends and to those I haven't met yet. 

The hurricane, Irma, is gone. How quickly it came, did its damage, then left. I don't have to point out the metaphor, not to those here. My house, like me, took a beating, a few things broke, but it's still standing. 

I came here, just now, to maybe explain where I'm at now in this miserable journey of grief and sorrow. I came wanting to show, to anyone who cares, that my progress is still in an upward "assension", that I'm "better". In many ways, I am. In some ways, I'm not, but it IS easier. Almost 9 months now, I've dealt with Valentines without my wife, our daughters birthday, my wife's birthday, what would've been our 25th wedding anniversary, and soon, my birthday. Life is not the same, the sky looks different now, the air even tastes different, but I'm alive. I wanted to tell everyone that I have "turned" the corner, I've found the magic formula. I have conquered grief! But I don't lie, so I will not say these things. I will say that I am better, the memories of my wife brings a smile much more often than tears. I will say that I don't feel the guilt like I used to. I will say that I love her and miss her and I always will. Grief is alive and well in me, and that is okay. It belongs to me, a spiritual, psychological, emotional reminder of my loss, a never ending pain that is only there because I fell in love with an amazing person. We hate this pain, we would be quick to cast it aside and be done with it, for the sorrow is like dying. Now, I'm not the same. I never wish to be rid of all the sadness, because it has enlightened and changed me. I see many things differently now. This pain will be with me forever, no different than the love we share with our beloved departed. So, all in all, as life and time continue, I find myself engaging the world around me, more and more. 

Love is the only thing that I care about anymore. I love my daughter, my parents, my dear friends, my memories, and friends I've made here. Love is the only thing that's kept me going. It carries me, shows me that there are possibilities in the world, gives me hope that one day, sooner or later, that love will find ME and show me that everything will be okay. It will show me that I don't have to lonely and that I don't have to die alone. Love gave me my wife, my daughter, me to my parents and my friends to me. 

I'm at a point also where the idea of starting a new relationship is becoming more and more of a possible reality. I have done an incredible amount of soul searching over this. I still don't know what this means, or even what this will look like, but I know, without doubt, that I do NOT wish to live out the rest of my days alone. This is actually a conversation that my wife started long before she passed, and now it appears as if she knew how things would end up. I say this only to show that, IF moving in a similar direction is what you desire, it's okay. Believe the cliche that says "they would want you to be happy".  They really do. 

I have a few good friends in the "real" world, but I have to say that the friends I've made here are among the most cherished I have anywhere. You know who you are, and I love you. My life is better, my understanding and acceptance is profoundly more advanced, my journey not alone. Thank you. 

Anyway, I hope to post sooner than later this time. 

Peace, strength and comfort,

Andy

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M88   

Beautifully said, Andy.  I am happy for you.  I am so pleased you and yours are safe and you still have your home.

I feel being to smile at memories and photos, rather than cry, is a real turning point - that we are accepting the death of our loved ones.  

The sharing on here has helped me immensely with my healing and I will be forever grateful to those of you who do so.  There is just so much to learn from each other! 

Because of my complex grief circumstances and my step family fast unraveling before me, I made a conscious decision soon after my hubbys death, that although very busy getting to the truth, as much as I could'. I needed to have a 'healthy' grief, and I'm not talking nutrition.  I do not want to get 4 or 5  years down the track and find myself making bad choices,  poor decisions, because I hadn't grieved in a healthy manner.  So, I aimed to feel the emotions, talk with friends and family about them  - not suppress them. I needed to reflect on Gerrys and my life together - this requires a lot ot time spent staring at the flames in the fireplac in the lounge and the ceiling in my bedroom.

My motto now is 'what will be, will be'. 

Strength, love and hugsXx

 

 ,

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Eagle-96   

Good to hear from you Andy. I know you were having a rough patch but I am glad that the light on your path seems to be getting a little brighter. Well, as bright as it can be considering.  It seems as though you are at the crossroads with respect to dating again. Go where your heart takes you. I am not there and I don't suspect I ever will be but I wish you nothing but success in whatever life brings you.

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17 hours ago, Andy said:

I'm at a point also where the idea of starting a new relationship is becoming more and more of a possible reality.

 

Andy my brother good to hear from you.

The possibility of starting a new relationship is a big decision trust me, I've been there. You have read my post you know what I went through. In the end the results are, Carla is a good woman and I was lucky to find her, and I'm not alone anymore.

 

Autocharge

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Andy   
4 minutes ago, Autocharge said:

 

 

Andy my brother good to hear from you.

The possibility of starting a new relationship is a big decision trust me, I've been there. You have read my post you know what I went through. In the end the results are, Carla is a good woman and I was lucky to find her, and I'm not alone anymore.

 

Autocharge

Good to talk with you too my friend. 

I think that's the part I'm most anxious about. Finding that person with whom I'm compatible with after all these years. I'm an ancient relic from a bygone age. 

Peace my friend 

Andy

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Andy   
5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Good to hear from you Andy. I know you were having a rough patch but I am glad that the light on your path seems to be getting a little brighter. Well, as bright as it can be considering.  It seems as though you are at the crossroads with respect to dating again. Go where your heart takes you. I am not there and I don't suspect I ever will be but I wish you nothing but success in whatever life brings you.

I never imagined I would be at this junction either, but being alone when I'm fundamentally happier when I can share my life, became this looming mountain. I know myself rather well, and while being alone won't kill me (well, statistically men have greater rates of mortality after becoming a widower), I LIKE sharing my life. Am I looking for marriage? No, not at this time, I may never, and I have come to understand that what I need and want are different now. I'm 45, not 20. I've had a great marriage to a great woman, I've raised a family, I've done all of those things and I'm a better man for it. If I never love again, so be it, I had a good life. BUT, with different expectations, different outlook, different goals, I think next will be a different kind of relationship. Not worse or better, different. Friendship, mutual respect and honesty, trust, perhaps shared interests, these will drive my next chapter, if that's what is meant for me. If not, I'll build lots of jigsaw puzzles...

Andy

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Andy   
9 hours ago, M88 said:

Beautifully said, Andy.  I am happy for you.  I am so pleased you and yours are safe and you still have your home.

I feel being to smile at memories and photos, rather than cry, is a real turning point - that we are accepting the death of our loved ones.  

The sharing on here has helped me immensely with my healing and I will be forever grateful to those of you who do so.  There is just so much to learn from each other! 

Because of my complex grief circumstances and my step family fast unraveling before me, I made a conscious decision soon after my hubbys death, that although very busy getting to the truth, as much as I could'. I needed to have a 'healthy' grief, and I'm not talking nutrition.  I do not want to get 4 or 5  years down the track and find myself making bad choices,  poor decisions, because I hadn't grieved in a healthy manner.  So, I aimed to feel the emotions, talk with friends and family about them  - not suppress them. I needed to reflect on Gerrys and my life together - this requires a lot ot time spent staring at the flames in the fireplac in the lounge and the ceiling in my bedroom.

My motto now is 'what will be, will be'. 

Strength, love and hugsXx

 

 ,

Hello M88,

You and I share a lot of emotion and thoughts, you're always there with me :-) Thank you for all you offer, your insight, guidance and support. 

Lots of hugs and warm thoughts,

Andy

 

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M88   

You're welcome, Andy.   That's what friends do :)    I often wonder how people survived such a loss as we have all experienced, and kept their sanity, pre-internet times.  

Your recent posts tell me that the return of a sense of humour is another indication of some healing having taken place.  Ancient relic from a bygone age at 45 !!! What?  ;)  I'll remind you, that I was 38 and Gerry 45 when we started dating and we went on to have 22 awesome years together.   

Strength, love and hugs.

 

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Dian   

Thank you Andy for your post, gives me hope that maybe there is some light at the end of the tunnel. :rolleyes:

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KayC   

Andy,

Good to hear from you here and that Irma has passed and you are safe.  

I truly wish for you all that your heart searches for.  You deserve it!

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Andy   
44 minutes ago, M88 said:

You're welcome, Andy.   That's what friends do :)    I often wonder how people survived such a loss as we have all experienced, and kept their sanity, pre-internet times.  

Your recent posts tell me that the return of a sense of humour is another indication of some healing having taken place.  Ancient relic from a bygone age at 45 !!! What?  ;)  I'll remind you, that I was 38 and Gerry 45 when we started dating and we went on to have 22 awesome years together.   

Strength, love and hugs.

 

You are always welcome my dear friend.

And to paraphrase Harrison Ford, "it's not the years, it's the mileage"

Cheers! 

Andy

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Andy   
7 minutes ago, KayC said:

Andy,

Good to hear from you here and that Irma has passed and you are safe.  

I truly wish for you all that your heart searches for.  You deserve it!

Thank you KayC, 

You are another beloved friend I've made here, without which I wouldn't be as "stable" as I am now. By the way, my power just cane back on at 7:30pm, east coast. I was right at 34 hours. Nothing to complain about considering the hardships of others, but now I have an empty refrigerator/freezer...

Love and hugs, 

Andy

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KayC   

Andy,

So glad your power is back on!!  Maybe you could get an invite to your folks for dinner?  Just until you have time to shop.  You have a lot going on right now, I hope the roads are passable.

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Andy   
42 minutes ago, Dian said:

Thank you Andy for your post, gives me hope that maybe there is some light at the end of the tunnel. :rolleyes:

Hello Dian, 

It's both nice and unfortunate to meet you. All things being relative as they are, I hope you're well and at a place of peace and clarity. 

The hours, days and weeks following the passing of my wife, I was at the edge of an abyss. Nothing was certain and my world was in ruins. I was grieving my wife, my daughter losing her mom, I was grieving for myself. Mind you, the sorrow still lives on, it always will. Now though, we have an understanding of sorts. I will allow it to run its course, break me down when necessary, but it will NOT define me. Shapes me, changed many perspectives, gave me horrible wisdom, but I put up the boundaries. As this change began, I started realizing that because of the way I happen to be, I would one day seek out a fellow traveler. I don't require social circles or status, but I must have my family, the trusted ear of true friendship, and, for lack of a better phrase, a "romantic" partner, (I feel cheesy just saying "romantic"). IF in the future, you decide or realize that you wish to find another "someone", know that it's more than possible. 

You already have part of this journey figured out, you "hope". That is the key piece in the puzzle that is your life. I've written here before that hope and possibility are the wind and road of my life. Without either, I see no point in anything. So keep "hope", do NOT let it go, keep it and it will keep you. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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Andy   
13 minutes ago, KayC said:

Andy,

So glad your power is back on!!  Maybe you could get an invite to your folks for dinner?  Just until you have time to shop.  You have a lot going on right now, I hope the roads are passable.

Mom ordered pizza! 

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KayC   
13 hours ago, Andy said:

Mom ordered pizza! 

Perfect!

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KMB   
19 hours ago, M88 said:

 

You're welcome, Andy.   That's what friends do :)    I often wonder how people survived such a loss as we have all experienced, and kept their sanity, pre-internet times.  

Your recent posts tell me that the return of a sense of humour is another indication of some healing having taken place.  Ancient relic from a bygone age at 45 !!! What?  ;)  I'll remind you, that I was 38 and Gerry 45 when we started dating and we went on to have 22 awesome years together.   

Strength, love and hugs.

 

I had to chuckle with Andy's post too! I was 32 and my husband 44 when we met. 25 years of happiness and unconditional love. And if I could, I would most definitely go back and do it all over, even with knowing the outcome.

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KMB   

Andy, You already know my prayers are with you and yours. Some of us who have been here longer, are growing and learning hard lessons together. We are always going to be grieving our respective losses, but we have also gained with strength, hard won difficult lessons, compassion, humbleness and an amazing grief family.:wub:

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Dian   
23 hours ago, Andy said:

Hello Dian, 

It's both nice and unfortunate to meet you. All things being relative as they are, I hope you're well and at a place of peace and clarity. 

The hours, days and weeks following the passing of my wife, I was at the edge of an abyss. Nothing was certain and my world was in ruins. I was grieving my wife, my daughter losing her mom, I was grieving for myself. Mind you, the sorrow still lives on, it always will. Now though, we have an understanding of sorts. I will allow it to run its course, break me down when necessary, but it will NOT define me. Shapes me, changed many perspectives, gave me horrible wisdom, but I put up the boundaries. As this change began, I started realizing that because of the way I happen to be, I would one day seek out a fellow traveler. I don't require social circles or status, but I must have my family, the trusted ear of true friendship, and, for lack of a better phrase, a "romantic" partner, (I feel cheesy just saying "romantic"). IF in the future, you decide or realize that you wish to find another "someone", know that it's more than possible. 

You already have part of this journey figured out, you "hope". That is the key piece in the puzzle that is your life. I've written here before that hope and possibility are the wind and road of my life. Without either, I see no point in anything. So keep "hope", do NOT let it go, keep it and it will keep you. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

Thank you Andy. Tonight has been rough, feeling very overwhelmed with all the responsibility of the house, yard , bills ,kids all while working full time and most of all missing my husband. Feeling sorry for myself I guess. I will try not to lose hope although today it is not within reach. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm happy you are on the right path! I hope to find that path someday too. 

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Andy   
4 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, You already know my prayers are with you and yours. Some of us who have been here longer, are growing and learning hard lessons together. We are always going to be grieving our respective losses, but we have also gained with strength, hard won difficult lessons, compassion, humbleness and an amazing grief family.:wub:

And I think I speak for more than a few of us, I have gained a new family. And I love you all so very much. 

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Andy   
3 hours ago, Dian said:

Thank you Andy. Tonight has been rough, feeling very overwhelmed with all the responsibility of the house, yard , bills ,kids all while working full time and most of all missing my husband. Feeling sorry for myself I guess. I will try not to lose hope although today it is not within reach. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm happy you are on the right path! I hope to find that path someday too. 

I understand. Losing or having hope is fluid by its very nature. It's effected by events, our expectations, experiences, so many variables. The thing to keep within your heart, mind, spirit or all of these things, are possibilities. As long as you allow for this, hope will find its place. On days where all seems pointless or futile, my most pessimistic self will acknowledge that IF it's possible for something bad to happen, then something good MUST be possible also. You know that days will come that are filled with darkness and sadness, they're inevitable. You also know that we have very little control over the world around us. As much as I wanted my wife to make it that night, it wasn't enough. What you do have control over is how you choose to respond to this horrible loss. I chose to fight to carry on. Not "move on", that's absurd, but carry on, much as life moves on. My wife filled my life with possibilities, and my God we had a hell of a run. She was an exceptional human being who taught me how sacrifice, when done with pure love, isn't really a sacrifice, how patience will overcome anger, how giving yourself is the greatest gift you can give, to you. And she showed me that life is worth fighting for. And so, that's what I'll do. And you will to. Your children, your obligations and responsibilities, and ultimately, you, will focus the turmoil and sorrow that will reside within you. It's okay to be weak when you need to be weak. In our weakness we often discover great strength. You are going to be okay. You will find and keep "hope", whatever you need "hope" to be.

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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