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Mica

I want to forget

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Mica   

At first i wanted to talk about it all the time and i assembled an album on facebook of us and i wanted all the things that were memories, i slept in his tshirts, wore his hat.
Now I just want to forget. I wish i could forget him. I dont want to see his face or hear the name or be reminded of what i lost. i dont want to touch the hat or see pictures.
i'm still some jewelry he gave me, partly because i just dont really take off my jewelry once i have it set what i like wearing, and i just dont really look at the things that he gave me, and i do have one shirt thats on my bed that i havent moved, but i sort of ignore it. 
i try to distract myself with other things and think about it. How do people not go completely crazy? I want to forget everything. but of course i can't. 
im angry at the people who are moving along happily with their lives. i look away when my friends in relationships kiss, and try to block it out when they tell each other sappy things. I resent them. 

If he's not coming back then I want to forget him completely. 

 

(I dont know if I should be continuing this in my first post i made  so as not to clog up the board, or if its okay to make a new thread, and i wasn't sure where to ask, so if someone who's been on here longer could let me know, this forum seems to work a little differently than other forums i've posted in before.)

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Emeliza   

You can post wherever you want.  

I haven't gone thru the wanting to forget stage, but I get what you mean.  It hurts so much you need a break.  I have always liked to read and I read a ton right now because I can escape in my book.  I watch more movies than before as it is another escape.  I am not a big movie or tv watcher, but I have turned it on 2 times in a week now and I am never without a book.  

It is okay to want to box things up for now, but I would suggest not getting rid of anything.  Just put it where you don't have to see if it is causing you more distress than you are already feeling.

And no matter how you are feeling, it is okay.  My husband always told me that feelings are never wrong, just how we act on them sometimes is. 

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KMB   

Mica, It's ok to start a new thread.

You are never going to forget your boyfriend. Why would you want to? He was in your life. You knew him and loved him. He means the world to you.He made an impact on you.. People come into our lives, go out of our lives or stay for awhile. We have life lessons to learn from each other. Think about what you learned from your boyfriend and the love he brought you. You will never be able to forget him. He is in your heart.

I turned 57 a few weeks after my husband passed. He is the great love of my life and always will be. We spent 25 love filled years together. I'm going to carry his love and our memories with me forever. Despite those years with my husband, I still remember my very first boyfriend in high school. We were freshman. It only lasted a very short time because his family thought we were too young to be dating and acting serious about the relationship. We remained friends. We reconnected briefly when we were 20. I learned he was living with someone and she had recently had his baby. I ended it because it was the right thing to do. My lesson: you can't relive the past because of the present and its circumstances. There was no real chemistry between that guy and me, but we were friends. He was part of my growing up years and i think of him fondly. I have no idea where he is now or if he is still in this life.

While you are on this grief journey, eventually you will be able to think of your boyfriend with much love and what he brought to your life. He is in Heaven and watching over you and loving you.

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KayC   

Mica,

Perhaps it's not him you want to forget so much as you want out of this pain.  Right now memories of him bring you pain.  In time that will change.  Memories of my husband now bring me comfort and encouragement and I know this once in my life I had someone who got me and truly loved me.  I wouldn't do away with that for anything in the world.

The things we learned from them, the ways they changed us, those things remain.  Our love continues still.  He may not be able to put his arms around me and tell me he loves me, but wherever he is, I know that he still does.

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Francine   

Mica

Right now you're hurt and fragile to the degree nothing matters and you feel you want to forget him and everything he represented.  That's the hurt feeling, not the love you feel in your heart for him. My love has been gone for over 6 weeks and in the beginning, I too wore his shirts (actually I still do -  putting his favorite cologne on the shirt just to smell the scent he loved).  I also wore his hats and wrap the sleeves of his jacket around me just to feel as if his arms were around me.  For some reason, it made me feel closer to him.

In due time, when the hurt feelings subside, you will remember him with the love you both shared.  All those good memories will come back and you will be able to smile at the very thought of them.   You'll remember the good times and the love you both experienced together.  Nothing can nor will replace that.  1 Corinthians 13:13 reads  "And now these three remain:  Faith, Hope and Love.  But the greatest is Love"  So grieve as we all must do - we all have our unique timetable for grieving but recovery comes through time and God's helping hand.  

My prayer is that God grant you the love and surround you with his loving hand so you too can experience his peace.   God Bless!

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Nads   

Mica, I believe what you really want to forget is all the hurt and pain you're feeling right now and really not him at all. I find myself trying to block certain thoughts as they come to me like the moment he died and the funeral because remembering these things hurt too much and they make me think what could I have done differently that would have saved him....although I tried with everything I had to save him by giving him CPR which unfortunately didn't work. I didn't give up even after the paramedics came. I begged them not to give up trying but it was all too late.

I hate to think about that moment most of all and that's why I force myself to think and focus on other things as the memory comes. Next Thursday will make it three months since I lost him and I can say it's only now getting to the stage for me where I'm not crying every minute of the day. I'm sad all the time and I'm functioning in my everyday life. I still take it one moment at a time and every night I grateful for making it through the day. 

You probaly not ready yet to remember your special times with him and all that you both shared. You won't forget them and these thoughts will become beautiful to you when you are ready to process them in that way. Give yourself some time. Try not to be hard on yourself. Just focus on one moment at a time. I pray that you get stronger each day. 

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B7176   

Mica, I completely understand what you are feeling. It hurts so bad, you just want to forget everything because you are tired of the pain. Keep his memory alive in your heart. I am still struggling to find peace but I pray that it will get better. I am truly sorry for ur loss and that you have to go through this. You will be in my prayers! 

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Mica   

thank you. im trying.

and yes, i know you are all right that it is really the pain that i dont want, but it is hard to be reminded of him and not have it followed by that pain. The times when i feel alright (This weekend has been pretty smooth for the most part) seems to be when i forget its happened and just kind of feel like its a normal day and he's coming over later and he's at work or something and i;m just waiting.

i thought he was the person i was always going to be with, we had talked about collaborating on a poem (we both liked to write) and he had an idea for a tattoo he wanted me to try to draw, and we never got around to doing them. I always thought I'd go first. I was just starting to feel safe and secure with his stability healing up the trust that had been damaged by a relapse a few years ago, and moving towards such a big step in our relationship (talking about him moving in with me). He had just paid his last payment on his probation fines, and started a better job with better hours and was excited.... and i've also never been sure what i thought about soul mates... but if they exist.. he was mine. I had always felt like we were just meant to be together. it felt like we were supposed to be for each other. so things HAD to keep turning out okay. and now they havent.

I read too much fantasy growing up. too many book about quests and friendships conquering everything and love healing everything and keeping people together and protecting people. I was severely ill prepared for reality. I should have read more realistic stuff. (Actually, i still read a lot of fantasy, and re-read the old books) even all the philospophy  i read.

I'm naturally kind of cynical and tend towards pessimism and i made a conscious decision to set them aside for him. at one point i actually analyzed everything i knew about him and all the things that were flaws and downsides and risks, and decided i didnt care, i had to love him, i didnt want to run away from this relationship and i wanted to take it as far as it would go, and risk the fear of abandonment and the fear of intimacy and all the other fears and insecurities and all of his shortcomings and insecurities and the things he would struggle with and try to go through it all with him. we both talked about different times when we were deciding to choose not to run when we usually would because things were new and scary.  And somehow, i guess childishly, maybe because its the only actual relationship ive had, I thought it somehow meant we somehow had control over our relationship. I knew, intellectually, that death is a possibility, and as addicts, we are in a somewhat higher risk category, recovering or not, but i still had always had the "it wont be us" belief. I have some additional mental health issues so i always thought, if anything, i was higher risk and would probably go first, and i know he didnt choose to die, and leave me, and i think if he knew he was going to, i dont think he would have done it, but that part does make me kind of angry at... the world, i guess. He had just helped me get through a particularly scary stretch of depression and i had was just stabilized and doing better and looking forward to the holidays with him and then...this. Like, why did i bother fighting to get better if i was just going to lose him?

Sometimes i hear people use words or phrases that he used a lot, that i dont hear many people use and i feel like mahes here, and sometimes when im feelig more okay there are moments i feel like hes here and its comforting. I want to believe he's here. its comforting to hear/read other people talk about that they believe people stay after their bodies are gone. i miss his arms so much and his heart beat. i always felt the safest and most at home that way and its gone and i didnt even really give him a proper hug the last time i saw him. i was kind of dismissive. but he was supposed to come over that night and he never did. but We weren't done yet. 

 

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KayC   
15 hours ago, Mica said:

it is hard to be reminded of him and not have it followed by that pain.

In time that will change.  It was that way for me too in the earlier time, but somewhere along the way it changed and thoughts of him brought me comfort and encouragement.  I carry him with me still, I feel like he is inside of me, if that makes any sense.  Whenever I need a dose of him, I reach down inside.  He's brought me comfort in my hard places.

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KayC   
15 hours ago, Mica said:

i actually analyzed everything i knew about him and all the things that were flaws and downsides and risks, and decided i didnt care, i had to love him

That is how love is!  You throw caution to the wind and go for it, 100%!  The rewards are tremendous, indescribable...but the grief just as intense.

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Mica   
3 hours ago, KayC said:

In time that will change.  It was that way for me too in the earlier time, but somewhere along the way it changed and thoughts of him brought me comfort and encouragement.  I carry him with me still, I feel like he is inside of me, if that makes any sense.  Whenever I need a dose of him, I reach down inside.  He's brought me comfort in my hard places.

I really like this idea/imagery. 

 

this weekend was a bit smoother. less meltdowns (this seems to be how i rate things) i think only one or two really bad ones, and the depression wasn't as constant. I did a fair amount of creative stuff. I saw a friend i havent in a while but it was only a short visit because it just felt draining and i didnt really know what to talk about or how to respond to things, although I did go to a birthday party later for my friend;s kid and that went well. 

Interacting is weird sometimes. My friend who had lost his girlfriend a few years ago stopped by last night just to say hi and check in. i hadnt seen him in person in a while, although we've been texting a fair amount. I felt really nervous and awkward and didnt really know how to behave or what to say.

he hugged me a lot and said it was going to be okay and i'd get through it, we caught up a little. I can be weird about physical contact sometimes, and not knowing how to reciprocate it, and I wanted to be able to break down then because I know its more comforting and when I break down on my own I wish there was someone present,  but my natural tendency is to avoid being publically emotional, and sort of trying to present myself as being more okay than i am.  Even though through text I can clearly communicate just how bad i'm really feeling. I do this automatically and but I've found myself falling back into that,  It makes me feel  more disconnected and alone rather than connected and comforted. I don't know how to change that though. 

 i also  think i was also sort of cried out and drained by the time he stopped by. 

I want to forget and i dont want to feel especially when I'm by myself because its so overwhelming, but when there's someone present who could help make it less, and maybe safer to feel, I wall it off. It's frustrating. 

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KMB   

Mica, the emotions, breakdowns, evasiveness and wanting to forget are all completely normal reactions to grieving the loss of a loved one. There are no set rules to follow and no time frame. It is an individual process. Our minds and hearts are overwhelmed, exhausted. Take your time.

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KayC   

Go with what you feel will comfort you.  We all handle it differently.

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