Katie S

I don't want to do this anymore

40 posts in this topic

I had to go back 2 weeks after my husband passed.  I thought it would be awful, but I work in cubicle land so I can sit in my cubicle and cry and it is fine.  I got some kind words at first, but mostly people treat me as they did before so that helped.  

Some days are awful still, but most of the time it is just work.  

One thing to keep in mind is that adult speak is almost always started with a nonchalant asking of "How are you doing?"  I think it comes out so automatically, people don't even realize it.  At first I would well up with tears every time it would be asked because I would think of how well I was doing and it isn't well at all.  But I leaned to answer with things like "As well as can be expected." Or just the staple answers of "ok" or "fine".  I sort of try to shut down anything further unless the person is a good friend.  

There are still times I cry over it.  Still times I cry in front of people (which I hate doing).  Most people look at you with vague understanding (they know why, but they haven't been thru it) and generally try and ignore it.  We luck out in some ways.  People know they can't fix or help us so they don't come to try and make it all better as they would someone else crying unexpectedly at work.

Best wishes 

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In addition to my grief and having an immense amount of legal issues to deal with, I am overwhelmed with dealing with having persons gossip about such matters. 

My husband had a daughter from his first marriage. We never had much of a relationship even though I tried. She never liked me and I accepted that. My husband would try for us to have a relationship but he didn't force it because he knew the kind of person his daughter was. He loved  her but knew she wasn't a nice person at all. 

Anyway now that he is gone, her mother and her seem to be determined to try to make my life a living hell. I no longer live in our matrimonial home. Luckily I had my own home and kept it so I'm back there now. All that has been going on had taken a tremendous toll on me because i wasn't allowed grieve normally in a sense because i was dealing with some many other things. My husband had his own business and even that now fell on me. It's all so much that I am not even sure I'm explaining it clearly and fully. 

I live in a community that's thrives on gossip it seems and it seems that no one has anything else to discuss except for my situation. Most of the time I can tune it off and focus on me but today I being bombarded by it. 

Sometimes I wish I could just escape from all this and never return. 

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I am so sorry you have to deal with the gossip and drama along with everything else.

The legalities of it all are overwhelming enough even without adding the grief, loss and emotions.  

Do you have a good lawyer?  I hope your husband had a will and life insurance.  Mine did not which has been our strain, but thankfully almost everything we had was in my name.  He hated having his name on things and his credit wasn't all that great and mine was.  It was a big blessing in many ways, but really sucky in other ways as I had to sell his car and such right away as I couldn't afford it all and if my mom had not helped, I wouldn't have been able to even pay for the funeral.  I had no idea of those costs.  I do have life insurance and I hope to make things easier for my family by paying for that type of stuff now as much as I am able.

Anyway, didn't mean to turn this post into my issues.  I can't imagine the family drama you are dealing with and my thoughts are with you.

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Katie,

Instead of looking at it as pity (coworkers), think of it as caring.  My coworkers were wonderful to me when I went back to work...I only took two weeks off but had to go in and do payroll day 5.  It was hard to work when my brain was mush, but I got through it somehow.
 

Nads,

I'm sorry you're going through so much.  One thing about gossip is, they usually move on to someone/something else.  I've been through that too, it's no fun.  Smile at everyone and determine you won't give them the power to change who you are with their pettiness and evil. 

Keep in mind how much your husband loves you still.  That always brings me comfort.

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KayC....I'm sorry you had to through the similar drama that I have to put up with now. I just wish it could all come to an end and I can start getting my life back together but I know this is going to drag on for some time. Unfortunately my husband had nothing in place yet and I know death was the furthest thing from his mind and he felt he had time to put things in place properly. Sometimes I find myself feeling a bit angry at him for leaving me so suddenly and with such a mess to deal with. But I will rally on through this because I know it's what he would want me to do. It's getting harder and harder though. Friends say to me God doesn't give you more than you can bare...I wonder how much he thinks I can take because I feel I have had enough. 

Hope we all get through whatever drama that may come our way. 

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I have to say, I greatly dislike that phrase that God doesn't give you more than you can bear.  It isn't even biblical.  There is a verse that touches on that, but that isn't actually what it says.

Personally I think God gives us more than we can bear all the time.  I think He does it so that we will turn to Him or ask for help.  He wants us to reach out to Him and to others thru Him.  

Not trying to force my opinions on others, but I have to admit, I have had a lot more than I can bear and I swear the only way I have been able to keep going is my faith and friends.  

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Nads,

I hate it when people quote platitudes at you, even taking things out of context to do it.  I get how you're feeling, I've felt the same way.
Emeliza,

I think you're right.  I was thinking the exact same thing.  But I'm not sure God "gave" us this.  I think life just happens and it seems luck of the draw who gets hit.  I don't believe God willed them to die and our lives to be turned upside down.  Others may disagree, but I just don't see God being like that.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:


Emeliza,

I think you're right.  I was thinking the exact same thing.  But I'm not sure God "gave" us this.  I think life just happens and it seems luck of the draw who gets hit.  I don't believe God willed them to die and our lives to be turned upside down.  Others may disagree, but I just don't see God being like that.

I don't think God willed my husband to die.  I think He allowed it.  If you are Christian, you believe He allowed His son to die after taking on sins of the world.  My husband is a pretty freaking awesome guy and I love him more than any other man, but my husband was not the messiah. 

I don't want to be mad at God so this is just how I have handled it.  I believe in the afterlife and my anger won't help me in this life or the next.

My thoughts on God are that He does not micromanage and does not change the course of what happens in most cases.  He is here for us, but as you said, life happens.  I am not sure I would call it bad luck, but either way, it is what it is.  I can't change what happened, just learn from it so hopefully it doesn't happen again.  

My husband had an unknown health issue that was most likely hereditary.  I made sure all of his siblings and parents received the part of his autopsy that explained the heart issues and have encouraged them all to get it checked out.  I also have been working to set up my affairs in case life takes me away unexpectedly as it did him.  I don't want to leave this my children or family.  So far that is all I have learned aside from pain, truly loneliness and an ache that won't go away.  Losing your other half is awful.  Maybe I learned a bit of compassion as well.....

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Katie, I am so sorry your husband passed so suddenly. I can certainly understand the sense of loving him more now - I printed out  Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem, "How do I Love Thee" and hung it on the wall especially because I could understand the words "And if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death." Consolidating a belief in an afterlife in which Ken is well and happy and still loves me has been a true comfort. Material I've read has helped, most particularly a book titled 'Hello from Heaven" by Bill and Judy Guggenheim, and an online course I've done called Love Knows No Death (and if you're interested please feel free to message me about that). For what it's worth, I truly believe that you and your love will be together again someday.

Regarding his family: My husband's family have also made noises to me about "moving on" etc. Each of them has their husbands to go home to and thus no right to tell me how to feel.  At the end of the day, your process is YOURS and it's very very okay.

 

Take the best care you can, sweetheart,

 

Louise xo

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Hi Louise - Thank you so much for your recommendations regarding the afterlife. I will certainly take a look. I've done quite a lot of reading about it already and youtube has become my new best friend. I guess I just refuse to accept that I will never see my partner again and if it brings us some comfort on this horrible road we are now all on, then that can only be a good thing. 

Yesterday I had to go into work for a meeting although I don't officially start back until the 23rd Jan. I didn't sleep at all the night before and was actually shaking when I got there. Turns out it was fine and I even laughed for the first time in 3 months. As I turned on my car to go home the first song on the radio was The Police - Every Breath You take ( I'll be watching you). I took it as a sign that my partner had been with me and it made me smile. 

I felt like I had finally turned a little corner but the grief monster made me pay for that feeling later. I cried all evening and couldn't sleep until 4.30am. I woke this morning feeling like crap and tears won't stop. It's just exhausting. 

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Grief really is like a monster.. always lurking and ready to pounce just when you think you might be making some sort of progress. I made it through a week of work without having any major break downs. I try to keep my mind busy all day and started engaging in some activities after just not to have to come home to an empty house. I had to go to the bank after work today. I was doing fine until one of the bankers who my husband and I usually deal with began talking to me. We spent a lot of time doing business at the bank...he mainly and being back there without him just made me so sad. In fact, every time I find myself having to do things that he would usually take care of it just sets me back. He was such an efficient business man...so charismatic and dynamic at what he did. It's one of the many things I loved and admired about him. All that and the fact that he had the biggest heart in the world. Oh how I love and miss him so very much.

Most Friday nights we would get together with one of my husband's closest friends and his wife. Us four were very close. I miss seeing them. I've been out with them once since and it us so very sad to be out without him. They've asked me out since that but I always turn them down because being with them, although I love them and they have been so supportive, it's hard to see them and not miss my love. I know I need to start getting back out and meeting people but it's just so hard sometimes. I prefer to just stay in once I'm here. 

I pray that we all continue to take those baby steps and get stronger each day. 

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Oh Katie, I understand. I am 59, my husband was 62. He passed suddenly on Nov 21 with no warning. He was going to retire this spring. We had put money down on a empty nest/retirement home for us two days before he passed. I was out of town, unable to reach him and I had to get the sheriffs dept to go in. I took time off work because I really can't function very well right now. I can't sleep but I spend days in bed just crying. I saw a doctor and am on an antidepressant but it is not helping. Like you, I lost my mom, who I loved so much. Then my dad a year later. I thought losing my mom was bad but as you say, this is something else entirely. There is no way to be prepared for this. This loss is so deep. I feel like I have had my heart cut out. The tears are always there waiting to flow. And to make it worse, I am terrified. He took care of so many things. I have no idea what to do now. No parents and my husband suddenly gone. Like you, I want so much to know he's ok and that I can look forward to being with him again but there is nothing but silence. How can someone be here one day and gone the next? I also don't want to do this anymore either.

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JC_TX - I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could say something to bring you comfort but I know there are no words. I've read others say in time it will get easier to cope with our grief. Right now I can only manage one day at a time, sometimes not even that. Like you I am terrified of continuing on without my partner, and I don't want to. I'm not suicidal but I wish I could be with him. I found him in the morning, collapsed on the living room floor. He had died during the night while I was sleeping. I did CPR whilst I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive but I knew he had gone. I was too late, I had let him down. That morning is haunting me. I cannot sit in that room now, I live in our bedroom. Its not that I'm afraid of that room, but its just too sad to be there. I'm consumed by guilt with everything I do. Basic things such as showering, eating, even breathing. I burnt my arm the other day and he wasn't there to kiss it better. He wasn't there to tell me everything will be ok. God, I miss him. 

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One moment at a time is all we can do sometimes. 

And it is such a common thought to not be suicidal, but wish we could die and be with our loves.  I still have many moments where I feel this way.  Tomorrow is 5 months.  I don't know how I made it. I don't know how I can sleep or eat or work or care for my daughter and pets.....I just do.  

It does get easier, but you still get hit by tidal waves.  You will go a whole week feeling ok and the following week you are a mess again.  

And people say such thoughtless things. 

I am sorry we are all going thru this.  I miss my husband so much. I know you all miss your love as well.  

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JC_TX,

I am sorry for your loss.  I do know what it feels like, been there, that is my life now.  In the beginning I was terrified, anxious, in shock, did not see how I could live a week without him!  He was everything to me!

It's been 11 1/2 years now, it's hard to believe.  I remember thinking, in my family we live a long time, I could live 40 years without him!  That terrified me!  I learned to not look at the whole rest of my life, which was daunting, and just stay in today, just try to get through this day...one day at a time.  I learned to rely on myself or hire it done, not always easy since money was a problem.  I lost my job three times since he died, went through the recession, finally retired.  It's been hard, the week I retired (I'd lost my job and after a year of applying to 350 jobs without being hired I decided to retire), I found out I needed a new roof.  My ex boss said he'd pay my insurance for the rest of the year but didn't.  He didn't pay me my wages either.  I had medical issues.  On and on it went.  I tell you this not to scare you but to share with you that I have made it through everything and I'm still here, I have a roof over my head and you can tell by looking at me I haven't missed a meal. :)  In the beginning thoughts of my George brought immense pain, but somewhere along the way it changed to bringing me comfort and encouragement.  I took him in to job interviews with me...the interviewer couldn't see him, but he was there inside of me with all his confidence in me.  Lest you think I'm crazy, they haven't hauled me off yet.  I've learned so much on this grief journey.  I learned that it changed from the most indescribable intense pain to one of learning to coexist with my grief.  It's like it changes us, like there is an underlying sadness that exists in each of us as we continue to miss our person.  But I've also learned to live in the present, to look for joy in life, no matter how small.  The big joy, my George, is gone, but I can still fully experience the small joys that come my way.  I had my first grandchild two years ago and am going to get two more this year.  I have a dog and a cat that I love and they give me incentive to keep going.  Finding purpose was harder, that took a long time, but I've managed to create a routine for myself with things built in to look forward to.  Nothing is as it was, but I've learned to make my life one that I can live.  Of course we'd all trade it in a heartbeat to have our husband/wife back, but being as that is not an option, we continue...we have no other palatable option.

You will get through this, we will be here for you if you want us to.  It does help to express yourself.  It helps to know there are others that get it and understand.  And believe me, we do.

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