Augustgirl

I can't comprehend that Dad doesn't exist

40 posts in this topic

Dear Jeccaavargas,

Thank you for your suggestion. I will try to look for peace and understanding wherever I can during these difficult times.

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Hey I found something for u to either listen to or purchase the book and read it.  THIS IS SOMETHING I FOUND THAT HAS GIVEN ME SO MUCH PEACE.  I WANT TO SHARE IT WITH YOU.  I HOPE IT HELPS U COME TO SOME KIND OF UNDERSTANDING AND HOPE. I WILL POST THE FOLLOWING LINK.  PROMISE U WILL AT LEAST CHECK IT OUT.... SENDING LOVE AND PRAYERS TO U... 

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Dear Jeccavargas,

Thank you again for your suggestions. I appreciate it. I promise to take a look. Thank you for your kindness.

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 I'm a newbie and came to this site to help me through my grieving. My Father passed on 9/11/16. I keep thinking it will get better and easier, and it has a little, but I'm STILL experiencing moments where I think I want to call him to share something or see him only to remember he is gone. And I feel like I can't accept the fact that I can't talk to him again. I just want one more time - one more chance to sit down and just talk to him. I fantasize about time travel and just going back in time for a bit so I can see him again.It's not like I have anything important to say - I just cannot accept in my heart I never WILL be able to talk to him or see him again. Though, in that sense I am different b/c I do believe there is something after this, I don't know WHAT, but I do not believe this, our lives on earth, is it. It's been comforting reading other's feelings and knowing I am not alone in wishing just for that "one more chance".

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Dear Benigirl,

I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your beloved dad. I can relate to so much of what you are writing about. So true. Just one more chance to talk to our loves ones is what I want too. Its been four months and I still don't feel its real. There are some good days, but you are right, the moments sneak up on me and I'm taken back to the day the doctor called to tell my dad had passed. Its too much to bear at times.

Thinking of you and your family through this difficult time. Sending you hugs.

 

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BeniGirl, I can relate to so much of what you've said. I, too, want to call my Dad to share news and then I remember that he's dead, and I can't. I think that because his death was so sudden, it is taking a while for the full enormity of it all to sink in. Yes, at his funeral I was well aware that he was dead inside the coffin in front of me,  but I still felt like I would see him again sometime later and we'd chat about his funeral and the people that came.

Even now, four months on, it still feels like he's alive sometimes, and we've just not had a chance to catch up in a while. I lived quite far from him when he died so I was used to not seeing him every single day. I've built another life where I am and as he wasn't part of my daily life here, life hasn't changed too much which makes it harder to comprehend that he's dead and not at home pottering around. 

How long has the death of a parent taken to truly sink in for other people?

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Augustgirl, I'm with you. Its been four months since my dad passed and I still don't want to accept he is gone. I was my dad's caregiver and saw every day for the most part. It hits me hard every time I come downstairs and expect to find him napping or watching TV. Or when I return home from work. I would call out Dad! But now there is no one there. It doesn't feel real.

How can I still be here and my dad is really gone? And the only place I can visit him is in the cemetery? I know its a fact that we all must die one day. But I was living in a bubble. I honestly thought that I could put off the pain of losing a parent forever! My parents would just live to 100. I don't know if it would have hurt any less if was someone in my 50s or 60s losing a parent. I don't know if it will ever sink in that my dad is really gone from this earth. It just doesn't feel real. And I keep asking why it had to happen.

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Augustgirl, I had to reply, because your thoughts, feelings and reactions to your father's death mirror mine so perfectly.  You expressed it better than I can.   I also find no comfort when people say my father is with me in spirit.  We were practically clones in terms of our taste, interests and political views.  I know he is part of me, but I want to see him in the flesh, to see him smile, to hear him laugh and say those cute things that only we understood between ourselves.  And if there's a heaven, I want it to be like life on earth, where we can watch movies together, listen to beautiful music, eat delicious food, look for falling stars at night, talk about the good old days....   Everything like here, except the evil things people do to ruin the happiness of others.   I don't want reincarnation and have to go through more trials and sorrows.  I'd rather be ashes under the earth. 

I just watched "Jackie" (2016) which is a good film to watch when you're going through grief.  I am paraphrasing a quote from this film when I say that every soul on this planet wonders, "Is this all there is?"  If so, then why do we bother to get up in the morning?  Because God, in his infinite wisdom, has made sure it is just enough for us.

I agree with JeccaVargas707, that watching videos about Near Death Experiences can help you to keep an open mind about the possibility of life after death.

One of my favorites is an Interview with Clint Walker.  He seems like the kind of guy who wouldn't lie:

 

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My Dad died about five months ago now. When I look back I can't believe how quickly time has passed. Time hasn't yet started healing the hurt. For me, for the first two or three months I felt quite numb, like it wasn't my Dad who had died, but some other person and I was watching from a distance. It's started to sink in more now. 

At times I can feel quite at peace knowing that my Dad is not suffering. At other times I feel a depth of despair that I didn't know existed when I think that he's not doing something, somewhere. It distresses me because his not doing anything confirms that he has ceased to be. I could cope more easily with the fact that I will never see or speak with him again if I at least thought he was somewhere else - happy, living and breathing, even if I never got to see him again.

Every now and then I have this extreme depth of realisation of what death actually is. The enormity of never ever being able to speak or see my Dad again hits me like a ton of bricks. I can't breathe for a few seconds and I feel physically sick. It then washes over me and I'm calmer, and I tell myself I will get through this - billions of people before me have. 

I also find this length of time after my Dad's death to be difficult because so many people who have not lost a parent expect me to be over it. Friends don't ask how I'm doing anymore when it's actually harder now than it was two months ago, no one wants to talk about my Dad while I wish I could talk about him all the time. 

I truly never understood the depth of pain that losing a parent would cause until it happened.

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I feel the exact same way and it's been 16 yrs.  Sometimes I just can not comprehend that It's forever, I remember her death like yesterday. Some pains seem to get harder as I realize more as an adult. 

I think of her every single day. Time flys by so fast I can't believe I've lived without her and she hasn't existed  in real life for 16 years .  at times, I get to the point where I feel like she was just a figment of my imagination, I miss her so much. I  fruitlessly bargain with the powers that be, What I wouldn't be willing to give for one more year, month, week, hour, etc. something. All the things I would ask, say or give for her. All the things I wish I knew then.  

I just don't know if I'll ever see her again. That kills my heart to this day, 

 

 

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Dear Augustgirl,

Thank you for expressing so well how we all feel. My dad also passed away 5 months ago. I am still struggling to understand my thoughts and feelings. I keep going back and forth. But I can't seem to accept anything. Reading your post made me very tearful because your last line mirrors mine. I did not know how much pain and sorrow I would feel till it happened to me. I tried to keep death at bay, but once my dad passed I had to face up to it. And I just don't want to.

Dear Untiltomorrow,

I'm sorry for the pain you feel. You are so right, time does fly by so quickly. Me too. I wish I knew for sure that some day, I would be able to see my dad restored to his former good health. Our whole family will be reunited in some form. Sometimes I don't know what to believe. Or what to tell myself so that I can move on. But there are still lots of tears. I tell myself a story but who knows if its true. I tell myself that my dad is in the spirit world fully restored to good health. He is enjoying his days like before having coffee and reading the paper. I would like to believe its really true.

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Dear Augustgirl, you described so perfectly my current feelings as well. 5 months on I still find it hard to believe mom doesn't exist anymore. It often seems she is somewhere doing something and we will meet again. And when I think in depth that it's over for good, I panick. One night I woke up and couldn't remember her cell phone number. 

Now I have usual dreams where we do normal stuff, it is so real that I am so upset when I wake up. I will never be able to process this finality. I want her back so badly, and you are right, it is worse than first months. I often think how much she missed. It is as if my life has been divided into two parts - one with mom and after her death. And at the moment everything is so painful that I cannot think of good memories. I don't feel like looking at the happy pictures. It seems that this cloud of death was hanging above us but we did not notice it. 

I feel it is wrong not to think in depth of mom's death. But I want so much to distract myself from it and just not think of it. 

 

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I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I am going through the same situation and your words are exactly how I am feeling. I lost my dad very suddenly just over a month ago and I am having a terrible time trying to accept that he is no longer here. I can't believe that he won't be here to walk me down the aisle in a few months or see his future grandchildren grow up. When I am at home, I just want to call him and ask him what he is doing and then I realize I can't and this wave of dispair rolls over me. I want to believe that I will see him again but I just can't bring myself to truly think that. They say that time heals all wounds but I can't imagine ever feeling whole again when a piece of my heart died with him. I hope with time I can think about him without crying.

 

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Untiltomorrow, I'm so sorry for your loss. 16 years is such a long time to have already spent without a loved one. I struggle to comprehend that I may live 60 years of my life without my Dad being physically in it. You said that sometimes the person you lost can feel like a figment of your imagination. It devestates me to know that this will likely happen to my memories of my Dad. It's only been five months and I worry already that I will begin to forget part of my Dad - the way he spoke, his mannerisms, his laugh, the advice he would give me. The pain now is heartbreaking, but at least the memories are still fresh. Do you have any advice to share on preserving memories?

 

Athina, I completely agree with what you said about life feeling as though it's divided into two parts - life when your Mom was alive and life when your Mom is dead. I think of all the milestones ahead of me - a first home, marriage, and children and I get a physical ache in my chest when I think that my Dad will not only not be there for any of it, but he will never even know that these things have happened. I know that if he was alive he would be proud of me, but he's not alive, so he doesn't have those feelings of pride. I find the knowledge that my Dad can never actually be proud of anything I do very hard. Achieving goals seems so much harder without the biggest cheerleader in your life having faith in you. 

 

You also mention too, Athina, that you can't bear looking at photos of happy times with your Mom. I feel the same way when looking at photos of my Dad. I'm still too focused on his death and his last few days alive to find comfort in happy memories. I even feel a sense of guilt for leaving my Dad's dead body in the hospital. I feel like we abandoned him as though we didn't care for him. In my mind, he felt completely alone lying dead in the hospital, unloved, and hurt that his family would just leave him behind. Rationally, I know that this is a ridiculous thought, but it's one of a few irrational feelings I've had since my Dad's death that I expect is part of the grieving process. 

 

 

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