Lost all senses of happiness

[ladysk]

My father died one month ago in the middle of a rainy night. He was perfectly okay that day, went to bed as usual but suddenly started coughing very badly for probably an hour or more. He got up and wanted to visit the doctor to seek help but suddenly collapsed in his armchair. By the time I got up to check on him, he had already passed out. I panicked, called the ambulance, did CPR as per instructed, but could not save him.

The scene flashed through my mind a thousand times. If only I had got out of my bed earlier to help him, if only I hadn't been so lazy, if only I had been a more caring daughter, if only I had done the CPR harder or properly, if only...if only. I thought about all those mean things I said to my dad before, all the promises that I haven't fulfilled, and I cry my eyes out everyday, everytime I think of my dad.

My world has changed overnight. I was a happy kid, but since that day I have lost all senses of happiness. I have nothing now but mountains of regret. Even if my father forgave me, I would never be able to forgive myself. I watched him die right before my eyes, and I failed to save him.

I love my father, but now I'm terrified of looking at his armchair at night, I'm scared of the dark, and I shiver every time it rains at night. I wake up almost every other hour in the night. During the day I have to take care of my mother who has dementia, and I have to go to work. I'm exhausted. Although it has been one month, it feels like it was just a few days ago because my heart is still in such pain I could hardly breathe sometimes.

They say time will heal, but right now I don't know how to live anymore. How can I continue my life with all the guilt and pain and loss of my beloved dad? I love my mom too and I don't want to have the same regrets in the future, so I need to take care of her. But living is so tough...

[Missing_Dad]

I am so sorry for your loss, it's still very early on for you so the pain is still very raw. I lost my own Dad more than a year ago and can relate to a lot of what you are feeling, I wished we had pushed the doctors more to get him checked out, I wish we took him to hospital, the I wishes and if onlys were in my thoughts constantly, you could drive yourself crazy re-living each moment before your loved one died. There are so many things I wish I had done and said to my Dad but I know he loved me very much and he knew I loved him too

Take care of yourself and hope you get the strength to get through each day

[reader]

Dear ladysk,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the loss of your beloved father. I'm so sorry. I know this is a terrible time in one's life. I think its only natural to go over what happened because of the shock and sadness. But please know you did the best you could under the circumstances. I know we all wish we could go back and do things differently. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs during this difficult time.

 

[salale]

I don't know how to say, my friend, i can understand your feeling, we can proud of them because of their presentation

"If you met my dad, you would understand"

[Ashlee S]

I understand the feeling. Here's what you need to know, even if you had woken up earlier, it doesn't mean anything could have been done. You did exactly what you were supposed to and I can promise you that your dad would be so proud of you. Let yourself show how you are feeling (in a safe manner). Counseling and/or group therapy is a really good idea. If you are contemplating or considering taking your life as an option, there is a suicide hotline you can call that are a lot more qualified to help. There is help out there, you just need to reach for it. You can survive this. You may not know how you will, but you don't need to know how. All you need to do is take one moment at a time and before you know it, time will have passed and life will change. Experience every moment for what it is, but try not to dwell on what you think it is supposed to be (or what society says it's supposed to be).