losing close family member

[remo1985]

Hi. I lost my aunt a few years ago to tongue-throat cancer. She had always been close to me , which made the whole exprience very painful, not only because of the disease itself but because she was unable to speak and i felt many things were left unsaid. Long story short , she died 8 months after diagnosis. I was there holding her hand actually and felt her last heartbeat. At the moment i cant say i expressed much emotion.  Looking back i think i was in shock it had finally happened.  

So the family started arriving to mourn and i went into autopilot and secretly began taking every med i could find. Later that night i feared the effect of all the drugs would wear off so i took 4-5 of her morphine patches and patched all on my chest. If you had asked me 2 days before i would tell you taking all that was definately suicidal but I know i didnt want to kill myself, i didnt make a conscious decision ...i was just in such emotional pain and i wanted to numb it no matter what .Later several other terrible stuff happened and i ended up in the hospital for a week. 

 

My question is...recently ive been having sort of anxiety episodes were i fear if any of my close relatived dies i will snap and lose it again and repeat the whole thing.

Is it common for people to go into these type of episodes?  Was i in shock? Or psychotic? What can someone learn from this to be better prepared in the future?

[reader]

Dear Remo1985,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved aunt. I'm so sorry. Its only understandable that during this very painful time you wanted to do something to cope with the horrible sorrow. You were very loving and brave to be with your aunt during her last moments. I think there is shock and denial after a huge loss. Please do not be hard on yourself. Your feelings are part of the grieving process. If you are able, please try to access any community resources, support group, counselling or a local church. I hope you can surround yourself with caring family and friends to support you through this loss. Thinking of you. Please try to take care of yourself the best you can. Big hugs.