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Knhedges

I don't know how to keep living

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Knhedges   

My name is Keanna. November 3rd I lost my boyfriend. He was crossing the street and got hit by a car. He was so much more than just a boyfriend. He was my missing puzzle piece. My other half. He knew me better than I knew myself and was so full of love and compassion. I've never met anyone like him and I know I never will again. We are both 26 years old...well, he was... 

I have so much regret and guilt that I feel like it's going to eat me alive. My sweet Dylan had a heart of gold and only knew how to be mean to himself. He had a long history of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. In September I moved out, basically giving him an ultimatum. He had to get clean to be with his family again. I'm 31 weeks pregnant with our first child, a girl.... He was SO excited to be a daddy...

He had been doing so well. He went to detox and was getting counseling. We were still talking every day, I couldn't go a day without talking to him... We went trick or treating on Halloween with my 4 year old from a previous marriage. The next day, I don't know what happened, but he was drunk. I was so mad... The day after it was the same thing. Still drunk. I was furious. I say stupid things when I'm mad that I don't mean.  The last thing I ever said to him was the day before he died. I told him to not bother talking to me and that I hated him.

Thursday at 5 in the morning I got a call from a hospital right down the street. He had been brought in by the police, they found him disoriented in someone's yard. I was furious. They wanted me to come pick him up, said they couldn't let him leave by himself. They said his toe was also messed up so I figured he Had hurt it on purpose to try and get pain pills (he did the same thing in September which is what pushed me over the edge to move out). I told the nurse I couldn't come get him....

The hospital let him go anyway. He was walking home from the hospital. It was about a 20 minute walk... Two hours later I get another call. He's dead. He got hit by a car walking home.

A 10 minute drive and he would still be alive. If I had have swallowed my anger and gone to get him he would still be here. I hate myself every minute of every day. My unborn daughter will never know her daddy. I'll never get to see the love in his eyes as he holds her for the first time. The love of my life is nothing more than ashes now... His parents couldn't afford a funeral so he had to be cremated...I feel so hopeless. I hate everything. I don't want to be alive. I wish I could have gone into the fire with him... I had to go identify his body and the image is forever burned in my mind. His skin was so cold. 

I don't know how to keep living. I have a 4 year old who needs me and in January I'll have a newborn. I can't eat, last week at my OB appointment they told me I had lost 12 pounds. I can't function.

He was my everything and now my everything is gone...

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I am so sorry for what you are going through Keanna. Remember, you never meant for this to happen. It was all beyond anyone's control. We are all humans and we make mistakes. My husband was 22 years old and battled leukemia for two years. He passed away last month int he ICU and I didn't make it to his bedside on time. His mother gave him an ultimatum to choose her or his marriage. He didn't choose anyone because he loved us all, but, he did choose to stay in NC for his cancer treatments and promised to be with me when he was done. I relocated out of NC to Florida as I couldn't put up with his mother. She did everything in her power to ruin our marriage. She never prevailed. But she did run us out of state. My husband had pleaded with me to move back but even if I wanted to, I couldn't due to not having funds. I regret it every time I think of it. I wish I would have found a way. But what is done is done. It is what it is...all I can do is live life in his honor and be alright to raise the kids. 

You are carrying his child. Always think about the baby and how happy he was to be a daddy. Do your best to keep yourself healthy for the baby growing inside of you. My husband is the best daddy in the world and left with me our precious three year old little girl. I feel like dying. I feel suicidal but I know his personality and he would be out of control if I was to try to harm myself and neglect the children. My little girl asks me all the time for her daddy and when God will return him to her. It hurts. 

Try having small meals at a time. Drink lots of fluids. Take your vitamins. I know it's easier said than done but you have to start from somewhere for both you and the precious one growing inside you. If you want to talk more feel free to message me. I'm here. 

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hello Keanna , i read your post and immediately welled up , i felt connected to the story in a way , first of all i want to say how sorry i am for your loss like we all are to each other .

I am 24 and my partner was 26 ,  when the situation happened our little boy was 13 months old his 19 months now and progressed so much its brilliant but breaks my heart too .
i dont want to carry on and i hate my life now i hate the fact im breathing and his not that i get to bring our son up and he dont . my head is a nightmare and so is my life. but when he looks up at me with his daddy eyes and i realise how much he needs me and i need him if it wasnt for him i wouldnt know what id be doing and that is worrying . 
i dont know how to get through the days , but we have to for our babies , im so sorry your in this situation and i dont know how we do it it just happens even if we dont want it too , because i cant leave my little boy with neither parents yet i dont want to be the only parent . nothing works . 

he is my soulmate and i have never met a man like him before he is so perfect for me and that is me done now there will never ever be another man in my life nore my sons life no one could ever come to close to what we had together and how he made me feel it was on a different level a different world his love was magical . 

so nearly 6 months and its still the exact same as the first day its like ground hog day , i wish someone could have the answers but the only true answer is give them us back . 

Life is a mess . 

Hugs . 

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KayC   
On 11/22/2016 at 10:55 AM, Knhedges said:

I told him to not bother talking to me and that I hated him.

I am so sorry you lost your other half, so unexpectedly.  I'm sure he knew you didn't mean the things you said to him, he knew you.  My husband did drugs and I didn't know it, he confessed three weeks before he died...I'm so glad he told me rather than me finding out on my own later when I couldn't talk to him about it.  He was in rehab and doing well when he had a heart attack and died.

It's so common to wish we'd said something different, done something different, but we couldn't know what would happen.  I feel what is really important is that we lived and loved each other to the fullest...and both of us knew that love beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Why not write him a note and tell him the things you want to tell him?  I have a file with letters I've written to my husband...

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Knhedges   

Thank you for your replies. Sorry it has taken me so long to reply, it's been all I could do to just get through the last few days.

I write to him in my journal. I talk to him. I pray that he knew how much I loved him. 

He was literally my best friend and I just don't know what to do now. I have friends who offer to come over or take me out somewhere but I don't want to. 

The thought of driving makes my heart race. The road he died on is so close to me, I've basically got to drive on it to get to most of the places I go. It makes me want to throw up. As I type this I'm getting ready to take my 4 year old to her dad's to the weekend and already feeling panicky, not just because I have to drive but because I have to drive on that road.

When my daughter isn't with me I can not find a single reason to get out of bed. There's nothing. I don't want to go see friends, I don't want to go for a walk. So when I get back from taking her to her dad's house from now until Monday is probably going to consist of me laying in bed sobbing and sleeping on and off all day and night.

I wish I could see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel but the only light I see is my sweet Dylan and God only knows how long it is until I can be with him again. Never have I ever wished for a short lifespan as much as I do now.

Sorry. I've basically just rewrote my whole first post but I don't know what else to say. It hurts so bad I don't know how any of us make it through each day. I really don't. I have seen a lot of posts of people saying they're alive but they're not living. I'm right there. This is not living. This is torture. 

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I know exactly where you are coming from in terms of hoping for a short life span. Take all the time you need to. No one should expect you to just be okay and you shouldn't expect that neither. For now, you're going to cry and feel the way you feel. Nothing can stop it. It's been just a month and a few days for me and the missing and loving part doesn't lessen. I feel more of it, actually. But the sorrow and misery does diminish as you learn to cherish the love that you have with him. 

I was just at my husband's favorite cousin's home for Thanksgiving and it helps to be around people. Especially, those who also love and miss him. We try not to dwell in the loss but instead appreciate the time that we had with him. It was difficult sitting around while everyone was having dinner and such. I felt lost. I also felt like I was a burden for sounding and looking like a Debbie Downer but I didn't care. I'm going to do what I can to get through this. And I know that his cousins are also trying their best to be there for me too. Some are haters and want to say what they think. You know my husband had Leukemia but people do blame me for his death saying I brought stress and bad luck into his life. IDC what anyone has to say. Just know what you have to do to make yourself feel better, day by day. 

I'm going to revisit some of the places we've gone to as a couple. Even a simple place such as the mall. I might even go to the Cancer Center one of these days, just to go. 

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Hello everyone - my love to you all.  Its all so unbearably sad and yet we have to bear it.  7 weeks into the loss of my beautiful soul mate - it feels so much longer....

I take so much from all your posts - I can't be sociable - can't do dinners or nights out and yet I want to be around people who do understand - those who've been here.

Lying on the bed crying for days on end is what you do to get through - this is grief and I've found those who comment negatively on anything I do to get by are usually the ones who have no clue about what we're going through - that's more about them and whilst I'm understanding of ignorance I can choose to ignore it.

My total comfort is that Steve died loved and loving me - KnHedges - your man knew you loved him - that's why he had started to make the changes in his life.  Try to eat (I've eaten almost exclusively soup since my loss) try to honour your Dylan by taking care of yourself and your baby.  And take it slowly - when I start to climb the walls I hear KayC saying an hour at a time; if not that a minute and if not that a second at a time.

And Chassisdope - how cruel and stupid to say you brought bad luck into your husband's life - he just so wouldn't have thought that - to the contrary I bet he felt a very lucky man to have your love.

Thinking of you and us all.

With love

x

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4 hours ago, Loved Mrs T said:

Hello everyone - my love to you all.  Its all so unbearably sad and yet we have to bear it.  7 weeks into the loss of my beautiful soul mate - it feels so much longer....

I take so much from all your posts - I can't be sociable - can't do dinners or nights out and yet I want to be around people who do understand - those who've been here.

Lying on the bed crying for days on end is what you do to get through - this is grief and I've found those who comment negatively on anything I do to get by are usually the ones who have no clue about what we're going through - that's more about them and whilst I'm understanding of ignorance I can choose to ignore it.

My total comfort is that Steve died loved and loving me - KnHedges - your man knew you loved him - that's why he had started to make the changes in his life.  Try to eat (I've eaten almost exclusively soup since my loss) try to honour your Dylan by taking care of yourself and your baby.  And take it slowly - when I start to climb the walls I hear KayC saying an hour at a time; if not that a minute and if not that a second at a time.

And Chassisdope - how cruel and stupid to say you brought bad luck into your husband's life - he just so wouldn't have thought that - to the contrary I bet he felt a very lucky man to have your love.

Thinking of you and us all.

With love

x

MrsT, My own mother has a hard time understanding that I need to grieve. I need to cry. She's always trying to be around me and just making sure I'm okay but I'm not no matter what. Prior to my husband's passing I was never sociable anyhow. He's an extrovert and I'm introvert. He's the life of the party. That stupid cancer took so much from us. He's friends with the entire town, and I had only him. He was my only person. It is so so hard. I'm so glad to have found everyone here.

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KayC   
22 hours ago, Knhedges said:

Sorry. I've basically just rewrote my whole first post but I don't know what else to say. It hurts so bad

No need to apologize, we get it.  Write what is in your heart, it matters not if it sounds repetitious to you, we do get it.  Tell your friends you'e in over your head in grief and if it seems like you're pushing them away, it's not them, it is your grief that envelopes you and consumes you, but to please keep trying now and again because you don't want to lose them too.  It's almost like everything else has to be put on hold while we try to absorb this horrid shock we've had.  We can't do "everyday" things like we used to.  Things like going to a movie or eating out with friends seems so trivial now in comparison to this huge thing that has happened in our lives.  

I'm sorry it hurts so bad. :(

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KayC   
20 hours ago, Chasisdope said:

Some are haters and want to say what they think.

We need to surround ourselves with supportive people at this time especially.  Normally we tolerate the rest, in the interest of goodwill, but right now, we haven't the goodness to spare on them.  It takes everything within us just to exist another day.  Try to avoid the unsupportive people or even tell them what's really on your mind/heart and don't feel bad about it.  What have you lost if you lose them?  One day at a time, be kind to yourself, patient and understanding, and nurture yourself first!  This is necessary in grief.

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KayC   
18 hours ago, Loved Mrs T said:

And Chassisdope - how cruel and stupid to say you brought bad luck into your husband's life - he just so wouldn't have thought that - to the contrary I bet he felt a very lucky man to have your love.

Thank you for saying that, Loved Mrs T!  You are so right, the love we shared together is the most precious gift anyone can give or receive!  People say some really dumb, insensitive, cruel things.  Inwardly I think, "Off with your head!" like in Alice in Wonderland.  That thought makes me smile and look past their stupidity.

We have to think of creative ways to get through this, our mindset and focus is important...yes, like girding ourselves with moxie, or reducing everything down to one moment instead of taking on the whole rest of our lives, which can be very overwhelming, to say the least!

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KayC   
14 hours ago, Chasisdope said:

My own mother has a hard time understanding that I need to grieve. I need to cry.

TELL her you are grieving and everything you are feeling is NORMAL FOR GRIEF!    Tell her she can't "fix" this for you, as much as she might want to.  You can't go back to who you were, you are forever changed.  That statement does not mean you'll never be happy again, it means you'll never be as you once were again, how can you be?!  This has affected everything about you and your life!  But you will get through it.  I'd venture to say you will have more depth and sensitivity than those who have not experienced it.  Not that we wouldn't trade everything to have them back!  Of course we would!  We feel angry because our lives were going along wonderfully and then this hit.  It's wrong!  It's unfair!  And it's okay to express that.  Here, we understand, oh how well we know these feelings and thoughts!  Forever, and we'll never forget a moment of what we've been through.  This is not an ordinary moment, this is a forever-changing moment.  This is our grief, this is our life now...just don't think it will remain the same, it won't, it will evolve and we will adjust and cope, I know, unthinkable, right!  But we do all the same, even if we can't imagine it.

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Knhedges   

My mom went over to our apartment today and checked the mail. My Dylan got something from the insurance company of the person  who hit and killed him, a claim number. Seeing it on paper... The date.  His name.  Loss.  It brought it all back, like it just happened all over again.  It felt like someone dropped a ton of bricks on top of me. It's real. It's really real. He's not just gone somewhere. He's gone forever. He's dead. Dead. Oh how I wish I were dead too. This is too much. 

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KMB   

My heart goes out to you,Knhedges---I know what you are going through, believe me. This reality we find ourselves in is devastatingly painful. Every week I get something in the mail for my husband. Still some things legally and financially I have to force myself to deal with. Today, it was a magazine. I would place my husband's own mail at his place on the table, for him to go through. Now, when I get something that doesn't require a response or a check, I immediately throw it away. It's another painful reminder that my husband isn't here to read and enjoy his magazines, newspaper.

You will survive this loss---time and prayers for God's love and guidance will see you through this painful journey. Hugs to you.

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Knhedges   

This is the first time since he died that we have been given the name of the driver. I looked her up on Facebook. 23 Years old, and from her posts it seems like nothing in her life has changed a bit. At 7:22 am the day Dylan died she shared some stupid article. His time of death on the death certificate was around 7:40. I am just so angry.  I want to message her and scream at her. I want to say "you killed a man! You killed the other half of my soul, you killed a father, a son, a brother, you killed someone, doesn't that bother you?!?!" I don't know her but I hate her. I hate her with everything in me. The road he was hit on was a straight road, no turns no hills, totally straight. There were street lights. The sun was starting to rise. So why in the hell was she unable to see a man in the street?!? 

I know that in the end nothing will bring him back. I don't know. Nothing is right anymore. I hate everything. I hate being alive. 

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7 hours ago, Knhedges said:

My mom went over to our apartment today and checked the mail. My Dylan got something from the insurance company of the person  who hit and killed him, a claim number. Seeing it on paper... The date.  His name.  Loss.  It brought it all back, like it just happened all over again.  It felt like someone dropped a ton of bricks on top of me. It's real. It's really real. He's not just gone somewhere. He's gone forever. He's dead. Dead. Oh how I wish I were dead too. This is too much. 

I was feeling horrible too when I finally received a copy of my husband's death certificate in the mail. It had his name, time of death, cause of death and all the details. It's just unbelievable and so tormenting to see that someone you know and love is on that piece of paper that is right before your eyes. Still hoping that God could turn back time and make it all go away.

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3 hours ago, Knhedges said:

This is the first time since he died that we have been given the name of the driver. I looked her up on Facebook. 23 Years old, and from her posts it seems like nothing in her life has changed a bit. At 7:22 am the day Dylan died she shared some stupid article. His time of death on the death certificate was around 7:40. I am just so angry.  I want to message her and scream at her. I want to say "you killed a man! You killed the other half of my soul, you killed a father, a son, a brother, you killed someone, doesn't that bother you?!?!" I don't know her but I hate her. I hate her with everything in me. The road he was hit on was a straight road, no turns no hills, totally straight. There were street lights. The sun was starting to rise. So why in the hell was she unable to see a man in the street?!? 

I know that in the end nothing will bring him back. I don't know. Nothing is right anymore. I hate everything. I hate being alive. 

Believe me, I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do. Some people just don't give a crap what pain they've caused to others. In my case, the doctors, just used my husband as a guinea pig and never gave him enough time to go to hospice. They just straight drugged him to death. I have never felt so bad in my life. I was there for him in the beginning for many months but the last two months we had issues with his mother who was relentless making it impossible for me to be there for him. I still blame myself for not being by his bedside before he took his last breath. I still try to blame myself for so many things but then again, things do happen for a reason. I was not meant to see him collapse and go into cardiac arrest. Everything that happened during his last hours his mother witnessed. It was her karma for ripping us apart. I bet that memory will live with her for her entire life. 

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KayC   
22 hours ago, Knhedges said:

So why in the hell was she unable to see a man in the street?!?

Texting?  Whatever caused her inattentiveness she can be prosecuted for it, it resulted in a death.  Contact the D.A., demand to know what they're doing about it!  You deserve answers!

Yes, getting something like that in the mail can feel heart stabbing.  There's something about seeing it in black and white on paper that makes it all seem so real.  I am so sorry for all you are going through.  it's just not fair!

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Knhedges   

Today has been very numb. I was wondering if I would get away with not having a meltdown today. I was wrong. I was going through my 4 year old's old clothes that don't fit anymore, grouping them into sizes for my baby girl that is due in January. I came across a really cute Christmas shirt that was barely worn. It was a size 4t, so roughly for kids age 4 (my daughter is tall for her age). It said "always on daddy's nice list".... I lost it. Just completely lost it. I put it to the side to donate. It just KILLS ME thinking about how this precious, innocent baby is never going to know the love of her father. She will grow up watching her big sister go off and do things with her daddy (previous marriage) and she will have no one but me. This world is so cruel. 

Its like I'm taking one step forward and 10 steps back...

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MLG23   

Knhedges and others struggling to eat: I too, like most of us, struggled to eat at all, thus losing around 15-18 pounds in 10 days. I could not even fathom a sandwich or anything solid so my family actually bought a drink called Boost which is a protein shake. Sometimes soup has a lot of sodium in it that can cause headaches due to over-consumption etc. Maybe trying a few sips of a protein supplement drink would be of use. That was my gateway to eating some food at all. Hope this helps. 

I also want to say that the amount of love you have for your Dylan is what will make sure your child grows up knowing him through you. I have wished my fiancé and I were having a child because of the fact that I would have always had part of him through that baby. It is a gift, although very muddled with loss and grief but a gift for him to live on through the two of you. 

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KMB   
12 hours ago, Knhedges said:

Today has been very numb. I was wondering if I would get away with not having a meltdown today. I was wrong. I was going through my 4 year old's old clothes that don't fit anymore, grouping them into sizes for my baby girl that is due in January. I came across a really cute Christmas shirt that was barely worn. It was a size 4t, so roughly for kids age 4 (my daughter is tall for her age). It said "always on daddy's nice list".... I lost it. Just completely lost it. I put it to the side to donate. It just KILLS ME thinking about how this precious, innocent baby is never going to know the love of her father. She will grow up watching her big sister go off and do things with her daddy (previous marriage) and she will have no one but me. This world is so cruel. 

Its like I'm taking one step forward and 10 steps back...

I know exactly what it's like, one step forward and 10 back. It's part of the grieving and loss.  I find it very hard to complete anything. There are some things I should be doing, but cannot even attempt to start.

Your soon to be born daughter will carry on Dylan's legacy. A gift of love from him and you will tell her all about him. He'll be watching his girl grow up from Heaven.

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KayC   

Knhedges,

I'm so sorry, that has to be really hard.  Maybe your child won't know the love of your dad firsthand, but you can still share how proud her daddy would be and how much he would have loved her and by your sharing, keep him alive to her.  My father died when I was pregnant with my first child and I told my kids stories about him, so even though they never got to know him in person, they could feel they knew him by the things I shared and told them.  I know it's not the same loss, I'm just so sorry for all you're experiencing. :(

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