It's better to have loved and lost?

[Deb5517]

Hi everyone, 

that quote - it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all

What do you think? Is it true for you?

I'm coming up to 1 year and only once have i agreed with this quote. The pain is so great I had the unbelievable thought would I have been better off not knowing him? These were in my darkest moments.  I try to practice gratitude and be thankful that he choose me to love, but the heart-warming feeling doesn't last as long as the agony.  

Also for those of you past 1 year, how long does the active love last? I still say I love him, in fact I say I love you to the wind to him, will there ever be a day when I say I loved him? Thanks for listening. 

[JustMe840]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died Aug 19th this year. I totally agree with that statement. I wouldn't trade one second of the 20 years I've loved him. I will always love him and tell him often even though he's gone. I can't be sure, but I don't feel I'll ever say I loved him since I will love him until I die. I'm only a few months in so I suppose that could change, but I don't see it right now. 

[KayC]

Absolutely!  I would not have done away with one moment with him.  If this is the price I must pay for the happiest time of my life, so be it.  I know it's a heavy price, but at least I have warm memories of a man that loved me completely.

[Deb5517]

JustMe840 I'm so sorry for your loss too, I hope you have some good support around you. 

KayC & JustMe840, thanks for replying I think perhaps I'm feeling cheated I only 3 years, and all I can think is how can I live another 40 years without him. It's good for me to hear from people in the same journey, puts things in perspective.  I guess I've been focussed on his death, not his life...hence coming here to this forum.  Thank you both for reminding me I had complete love. 

[KayC]

I think we all feel cheated.  I only knew him 6 1/2 years, was married to him 3 years 8 months.  We met in our mid forties, had spent our lives missing each other, searching, finally find each other only to lose each other a short few years later.

[KMB]

To all of you----I too, have been focused on the loss of my husband. He lived a full life, always said he got to do everything he wanted to do. I try to keep in mind that he chose me to live and love with his last 25 years. My mind just doesn't want to work right and get things into a better perspective. I thought we were going to have more time together. I have guilt for being in denial that I would lose him as soon as I did. KayC is right, the price we are paying now for having a happy, loving life is heavy and most times unbearable. I certainly cannot fathom another 20-30 years being this miserable and lonely without my husband .It's not easy believing in the afterlife and keeping myself convinced he is still here in spirit, somehow giving me the strength to keep struggling thru the day. If I had some kind of concrete evidence, a glimpse of his form, a touch that I could really feel, the sound of his voice---it might make this coping easier.My husband always admired my strength, my sense of independence when we were met with challenges, but it all went away with him.

[Deb5517]

It's all so heartbreaking, being cheated and this price to pay.

KMB Your words truly resonate I'm feeling exactly the same, my soul & strength went with him and I'm doing the same thing trying to believe I will eventually see him, and that he's here giving me strength to do what I need to do until it's my time, but the despair is just trying to really win out at the moment. sending good vibes to everyone out there.

[KMB]

Hi Deb---I lost my father when I was 5 yrs old. Being a kid, I don't remember too much or what I thought or felt back then. I lost other relatives when I was in early high school. I grieved their loss, but being young with a future ahead I guess it was easier. I lost pets, but my husband was there with me to help comfort and cope. We lost dear friends together.

ThIs is so much more different and unbearable to deal with. The loss of my life's partner, my best friend, my lover, my rock and constant well of strength and support. I keep wondering how my husband would be coping if I had gone first. I wish he could pop in for a visit to talk to me, once a week visit, to let me know we are only temporarily separated.

[Deb5517]

Oh KMB the losses you have suffered, I am so sorry.

I am so feeling your words, i do the same! I think what if it was the other way around and I tell myself this is the way it's supposed to be. If I had gone he would be worse off than me, as he lived too many losses. I think of how distraught he would be and that my spirit would be willing him to get up and enjoy life. I think that if I saw him suffering as I am now, I would be screaming at him lovingly of course to please find joy in life and that the eternal life will cancel this current pain...i do this 'role play' in my head to keep myself from falling further. 

I don't if you've had people say "he doesn't want you to live like this, it would hurt him to see you like this" of course I know this but how else can we respond? we've had the essence of our lives ripped from us. I am fortunate that I have some video footage of him so when it's too much to bear I watch them, and I know I'm so lucky I can hear his voice but it never dulls the pain of wanting even just that one more minute with him, 

[KMB]

Deb---Everyone says the same things---he wants you to move on with your life, he wants you to be happy. How do you do that when your happiness and life is gone? My purpose was to love and take care of my husband. My existence revolved around him and the life we made together.

As a coping mechanism, I pretend he is still here. I talk to him constantly and picture him in the room or with me if I'm outside and with me if I go somewhere. I like to think he is here in spirit and can hear me. It's the best I can do for now.

Hang in there Deb---one day at a time. I think of it as one day closer to being reunited.

[Deb5517]

KMB I totally understand your purpose to love and take care of your husband. That is one of my biggest pains I didn't have enough time to take care of him.

If you are an Oprah fan, I watched this video https://youtu.be/-T4iN4SzNkk segment at 18mins.

I try to believe the advice the woman was given, it has given me some comfort, perhaps may give you some, if it hurts I am sorry.  It is a little hard to watch..i'm a bit hesitant to share as I don't want it to hurt anyone, but sharing as might bring comfort to someone. 

You hang in there too KMB. I hope we all feel some peace again in our lives, and yes another day, is another day closer to being reunited. 

 

[Lisajane]

On 11/11/2016 at 6:40 PM, JustMe840 said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died Aug 19th this year. I totally agree with that statement. I wouldn't trade one second of the 20 years I've loved him. I will always love him and tell him often even though he's gone. I can't be sure, but I don't feel I'll ever say I loved him since I will love him until I die. I'm only a few months in so I suppose that could change, but I don't see it right now. 

I just lost my husband on the 15th of October 2016. I am a mess . I can't get comfortable anywhere . The pain is so deep it physically hurts . I will always love him . We were together almost twenty years . I am not sure , everyone says it gets easier with time. So I pray for a year to hurry by. 

[claribassist13]

Yes, yes, yes. A million times yes. 

I knew my fiance for 5 years and dated him for almost 3 of that. I can say that every second I had with him is more than I could have ever dreamed for.
I would rather know that true love and soulmates are real than live without that knowledge. I would take this pain over and over and over again if it meant that I still got to have all the time I spent with him. He is worth all of it.  

[KMB]

Lisajane---Prayers and hugs to you. I understand your pain. We are here for you. This is a good place to tell your story, vent and cry. Hope you find comfort and friends here.

[RobinKSC2016]

My husband and I were in a boat accident July 30th. He was killed instantly. I am going to all kinds of counseling, group and individual. I stay busy. The pain is so hard. Does it ever subside?

[KMB]

Robin----My sincere condolances to you for your loss of your husband. My husband has been gone since August, fatal heart attack. It's good to hear you are going to counseling, I hope it's being helpful. I am attending a once a month support group. I go to get away from the house, and it's consoling to be with others going through what I am. I don't have too much of a support system. Family is scattered and into their own lives. Friends have faded off. What does not help is that out of everyone, no one has lost a spouse and have no idea how agonizing  and lonely it has been. And I'm sorry that I am unable to answer your question about the pain subsiding, as it has not for me. It was just my husband and I and our 2 pets here and I'm having a hard time adjusting to being alone without my husband. I do try to stay busy, it doesn't last very long. I get consumed by sadness and wonder what's the point of it all. I get away to take care of errands and I stop to visit a couple of people but it hasn't helped. I still come home to emptiness. This grief journey is the hardest thing to come up in my life. It's hard to find the strength to keep going but I want to get through it so my husband is proud of me.

Prayers and hugs to you. You found a good site to come to, to vent and receive comfort and encouragement from others.

[Deb5517]

Dear Lisajane and Robin, I'm sorry I know these words you have heard often, but I truly am. I feel your hurt, it is horrible this pain we must live through. I do hope the pain will subside for all of us.  i'ma year in and to be honest it has not, I do however bear the pain better....my mind has settled somewhat, but my heart still aches and breaks every morning but there are moments where I can see a future for myself, they come more often, but it feels as if my love & pain grows more, I'm not sure if I am letting myself feel the pain more or if my love is growing?! Some days it will feel better, but because the love is so great, it still hurts. but coming here and reading what others say and have experienced has been a great help.  

Clari -. Beauty words reminds me to cherish the good, thank you. 

[KayC]

Robin, I'm sorry for your loss.  To answer your question, while the grief never ends, it does evolve, and yes, the pain lessens in intensity.  The part I find the hardest, after eleven years, is I still miss him, I always will.  But I have learned to do my "life without".  It's never the same, that's for sure.

As KMB said, I also have a dog and a cat and they are my "family", I don't know what I'd do without them.  At least I'm coming home to someone who wants to see me, I can't imagine anything worse than coming home to a cold empty house.  Of course I know everyone isn't a "pet person".  

It took more time than I can say to find purpose in my life again and create a sort of life I could live.  Every person is different, as is our coping skills and personality, so I imagine the adjustment is very individual to each one.

It helps to have a safe place to come to where you know you are heard and understood.

[claribassist13]

On 11/15/2016 at 2:33 AM, Deb5517 said:

Clari -. Beauty words reminds me to cherish the good, thank you. 

1

It's a hard thing to do sometimes. You'll get to that point eventually. 

[Jeff In Denver]

I had broken up with my girlfriend 3 years ago.  I am so happy that we spent this time together.  If she had been alone or with someone else during this terrible time I would be feeling even worse.  At least I was able to be with her.

[Sadaf Nazim]

Hi everyone 

I think the people who have never loved at all don't experience this kind of pain when they lose it. They live everyday of life the same. Maybe they are even happy with family and friends. 

As for those who have loved and lost... They have experienced the most beautiful times as well as the ugliest times of their lives. I know every second spent with your loved ones is worth it. But tell me this.. I'm just 22. I have my whole life before me. I have nothing but his pictures and some things that he used. I can't imagine to give anyone else the place that he had in my heart. And right now. Everything seems impossible for me. How will I be able to live the 60-70 years of my life without him? How can I comfort my heart that he will never come back.. That the life we planned together is gone. Forever.

I just want to be his in this life and the next. But how to make myself so strong that I could be able to love him and only him till my last breath just like he went loving me till his last breath. How???

[KMB]

Sadaf--Your loved one will never be replaced in your heart. You will carry him with you forever.God made our hearts to have capacity for much love for many people. Family, friends, etc. The relationship you had with your loved one will still exist in this lifetime. The love and memories are your bond and can never be taken away. That bond of love will be there when you are reunited in Heaven and into your next life together. You and your loved one belong to the same soul group, the same family where you came from in Heaven.

I know how painful loss is Sadaf, I was with my husband for 25 years and I am totally lost without him. The best way to honor your loss is to live your life for them, with a giving, loving heart.

[KayC]

Sadaf, even though I am older (we were in our mid forties when we met, he was barely 51 when he died, and I was 52), in my family they live well into their 90s...I remember thinking the same thing, how can I live 40 years or so without him?  I couldn't fathom it and it terrified me!

I've learned to stay in the present and not try to take on the whole rest of my life.  To do so invites anxiety, which I have normally, let alone with grave reason.  I pray and meditate, I have learned to enjoy what IS rather than focus exclusively on what ISN'T anymore.  It's taken a great deal of effort, time alone does not heal, but if you put in the grief work, process your grief, cry your tears, read books, watch grief/loss videos, see a grief counselor for guidance, attend grief support groups if desired, little by little, you begin to adjust and cope with the many changes this has wrought in your life.  It doesn't happen overnight, it's neither quick nor easy.  This is the most hard-earned thing I've ever been through, and knowing my life, that says a lot.  It took me probably three years just to process his death.  It is the most painful agony I've ever experienced, again, that says a lot.  But I have adjusted, as much as is possible to adjust to such loss.  I have my many wonderful memories to sustain me, and they bring me comfort and encouragement.  When I was looking for work, I carried his belief in me, with me into interviews, it gave me confidence and hope.  When I've had sleepless nights, knowing our love has not died, but lives on, comforts me.  In the beginning, thought of him brought immense pain and anguish, now it brings a smile as I remember him with love and fondness always.  He was like a puppy wagging his tail, full of zest for life!  You cannot quench such a spirit as that.

Please try not to worry about the future.  If those thoughts come, let them go.  Your life will unfold in due time, little by little, even as it has up to now.

Continue to express yourself here.  It helps to let it out rather than hold it in.  I'm glad we have this safe place to be heard and understood.  I'm sorry for your loss and your pain.

[Sadaf Nazim]

Thank you kayC.