Is something wrong with me?

[Ybeltzer]

I wrote my first and only post exactly 3 months ago. It was the night after we buried my mom. I was with my husband and two of my younger children in Israel, where my mom lived and died. I look back and it all seems like a blur. Like a nightmare I can't wake myself from. The night I reached out and wrote my post is still haunting me. We were staying with my in laws (who are wonderful), and I was left alone in the house because my sister in law was giving birth to her 4th child at the hospital. My husband and I arrived to the house after the funeral and the first day of shiva at around midnight. He asked me if he could leave to join his family at the hospital in their wait for the new baby to come. Although I was terrified of staying alone I did not want him to resent me for being a burden or from keeping him from the joyous event and so I mumbled sure. Soon after he left, it all hit me! My mom just died!. Only 4 days prior, I was in Miami where I live, having surgery to remove a tumor that was found in my ovary. (Benign). And here I am... 4 days post op, tormented by the death of the person I loved more than anything in the world. Haunted by the sites and smells of the past 24 hours of sitting by her side at the hospital until she last exhaled. Then the funeral... All these people I haven't seen in years... Everyone looking at me, telling me how much I resemble my mom... Saying things to me I didn't understand. Not the meaning and not the intention behind it. I haven't slept in 4 days, I was still aching from my surgery, I've been confronted with my biggest fear, and now here I was alone, to process and take it all in. I felt that the walls are closing in on me and I left to the street. I sat on a bench by the street light and write my first post. When my husband finally got back from the hospital he was upset to find me in the street crying. He was mad that after all he's done for me the last few days, I couldn't be happy for him and with him for the birth of his new niece. He was upset that I wrote a post on this website and was seeking "complete strangers advice, while I have him'". The following days were worse than I can possibly describe. Starting with the fact that my husband, kept planing enjoyable events for the kids, while I begged him not to. I needed him with me! It was so traumatic being alone to deal with everything and everyone for the next 7 days of the shiva. My husband thought he was helping by getting the kids out of the way. He arranged for a night for them and his friends to sleep at the beach. I went through the second day of shiva alone! On the third day, he came by my brothers house (we're we were sitting) around 2pm, and became very upset that I was on my phone reading the most amazingly soothing letters I started to receive. For the first time since my mother died, these "strangers" letters and words of support where the one and only thing that made me feel better. That allowed me to feel I'm not alone in this. When I confronted him and asked him to just allow everyone else to help with the children and that I need him with me, he went crazy and started this huge fight... The: "nothing I ever do is good enough "... "I am there for you "... "You are crazy!"... "You lost it"... And many more insults I am embarrassed to write down. The entire days of the rest of the shiva my husband and I fought. I felt he wasn't there for me, and he wasn't. Not physically and not emotionally. He pretty much instructed me not to go back and write strangers about my loss, and yet, he brought this terrible conflict between us into play at the worse time of my life.

I would like to take a minute and apologize for all the wonderful people who wrote me back for not acknowledging and thanking their letters. I hope you know now that I couldn't. But I read each post so many times as it provided relief to my agony and loneliness.

Three months later, and not much have changed. When we got back I was expected to resume my life and responsibilities. My husband is a physician and he's often away from home. I was constantly pressured to move on and get on with my life, stop crying and stop staying up at night...

Please understand my husband means well and doesn't want to see me in pain, and many times he was very loving understanding and supportive. But for the few times that he made me feel like something is wrong with me for the way I'm grieving, or for not moving on. For making personal attacks on my coping skills and my personality, it caused me to isolate more, and sink further down in my grief.

Last Saturday was my mother's birthday and the grief hit me harder than ever. Unfortunately my in laws are staying with us for a visit and I just can't face anyone or anything. My husband and I are not talking, I feel like everyone is trying to fix me. I just want to hide from everyone. I want to be left alone! I don't need their judgment and opinions right now. Even if they mean well. I don't understand why at the time I'm supposed to survive and heal from this enormous loss I suffered, I'm forced to deal with my husband's criticism and judgment. It's ripping me apart and I feel depressed like never before. I'm starting to ask myself if maybe I'm wrong and my perception is so distorted from the loss I suffered that I'm not thinking right. Maybe I do expect too much and lay all my expectations on my husband... Directing my anger at him... We have no family in Miami and not too many friends... We have been pretty much relying on each other for 11 years now. My husband has been going through a very stressful time at work, and financially, and maybe that makes him less patient to deal with my ever lasting grief.

The thing is, I am so sad depressed and confused, over my mom's death, that I'm left paralyzed. Hurting to no end and then numb. Then anxious to no end and then numb. I can't stop crying and aching from missing my mom, and fearing that after losing my most important person (my mom) ,I will lose the other most important person in my life (my husband).

[silverkitties]

I am sorry for your loss, Ybeltzer--I can only imagine what it's like to be burdened with grief, with insensitivity heaped on top. 

 

The best thing I can suggest is that you set apart some time to talk to your husband. Tell him you need to discuss your grief for your mom: tell him about the close relationship you've had with her over the years. Let him know that grief can't just magically disappear: you cannot heal by simply repressing it.  If worst comes to worst, and he won't, perhaps reach out to a marriage counselor and ask for advice as to how to resolve this issue.  After all, if something were to happen to him, would he want you to "just get over it?" Even animals grieve!  

 

The fact is, there is nothing "logical" about grief--because it is rooted not only in our emotions, but our intellect. I must admit I've been puzzled at my continuing grief--in spite of my advanced education and work. I should be philosophical about it--and realize that there is nothing I can do to bring her back, right? Yet, it's not that simple. As humans, we value our relationships: we know how our parents have loved us, supported us, mentored us, inspired us all through the years, shaping our thought processes along the way, whether it's teaching us how to read, cook, or to deal with a work crisis. When the imprint is so strong and sustained over the course of 20, 30, 40, 50 years...how is it possible to just "let go"? Especially when the magnitude of this bond has been emphasized alike by so many great writers over the centuries?     

[cindyjane]

Ybeltzer I am so sorry for the loss of your mom.  I am also sorry that you are feeling so alone with your loss.  One of the things that I have noticed in coming here after losing my mom a couple of years ago and my dad last year is that many people who post here express exactly what you are sharing.  They express that other people aren't supportive or that they don't understand.

 

One thing I can say for certain is that if someone hasn't lost a parent they definitely won't understand what we are going through or how we are feeling.  It is one of those situations that unless you go through it, you won't get it.  Also, we are all very different people, we are unique and so is the way that we grieve.  No two people grieve the same.  I don't think that there is a right or wrong way to grieve, unless it is harmful to ourselves or others.  Then there is the fact that some people find other people's grieving very uncomfortable to deal with.  This could be because they know that they don't understand because they may not have lost a parent ... maybe they feel some guilt because they still have their parent(s) ... some people just don't like that we may be changing after such a loss and they may find that scary.  Not too many people like change.  

 

I'd like to share more on how I've changed since losing my parents.  I see things so much differently now. Things that use to be such a big deal to me no longer has importance.  I use to get bent out of shape by little things like if I lost my car keys, or if I my employer didn't grant me a vacation day request, or if I didn't have enough money to buy a new car, etc, etc.  I now realise that the most important thing is "TIME."  In the big scheme of things we are here on this planet for a short time and the important thing is what we do with that time.  For me, I now see that spending time with the people I love is the most important thing.  Followed by how we treat others.  I don't like to admit it, but I use to be a pretty self-centered person.  Yep, I use to love a good argument and always wanted to have the last word.  Today gratefully the last thing I want is to have a debate of any kind with another person.  I think that the bottom line is that I've become more sensitive to others and their feelings.  That all being said, these are big changes for me and I am sure that other people don't know what to make of it.  I know that many people don't like change so when we change in how we see the world after our loss, I believe that it makes other people uncomfortable and they just don't know how to handle it.  It most likely scares them.

 

These are just my thoughts and experiences.  Again, we all grieve differently and there isn't a darn thing wrong with that!  

 

I hope this helps.  Take care.

 

Cindy Jane

[MayFGL]

Hi Ybeltzer, I'm so sorry for your loss. Death is not a very easy topic especially when they are near and dear to you....you parent(s).

 

I agree with what Cindy said. If someone hasn't gone thru what you've gone thru, they don't know how you feel, what you're thinking of or what you want unless they've gone thru it themselves. 

 

I lost my mom just past 8 months to a massive stroke. My best friends text me to move forward just after less than 3 months. She told me to get rid of everything of my mom's belongings and rearrange my bedroom so there won't be reminders. Why the hell do I want to do that?! Like your husband, she meant well....but, I felt that wasn't the appropriate way to approach my grief. I was surprised because she lost her mother as well. I told her to just let it out and to grieve as long as she want. Maybe she wasn't as close to her mother as I was, idk. Maybe she wasn't a caregiver to her mom like I was.

 

Talk to your husband and let him know how to feel. Tell him that it's your mom that died and not some stranger. Take your time to grief as long as you want. Don't feel you have to move forward. You are only human. If you need to cry, you should allow yourself to do so. I'm sorry you're going thru this alone. You have been through a lot yourself with the surgery.

 

Ybeltzer, take care and come back and post if you can. Hugs to you.

[Ybeltzer]

Hello there,

First and foremost I wanted to write all of you who replied to my post and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words and your tremendous support!!! I have been reading your letters over and over again and it provides me with a soothing sense of comfort.

It's 4:30am m, and I woke up feeling sharp stab wounds deep in my soul. I'm not sure if I was actually dreaming about her or about her voice.... All I did know is that I woke up in a panic of losing her, and an awfully similar pain like the one I experienced on the day she was slipping away from us at the hospital. Excruciatingly painful. I was actually doing a bit better for the last few days... My husband initiated a mini getaway for just the two of us in the hopes of getting through our problems. After many accusations and hurtful exchange of interpretations to our situation, my husband finally apologized and promised to be more attentive and sensitive in my grief process.

So for the following few days, although being sad and broken, I was no longer alone.

So yes, out of nowhere I'm back to almost the denial stage. And it's terrible. But at least I have my husband's empathy and you guys!

Thank you!!!