So LOST

[Tlavent]

My mom showed some signs that she was sick, but I never dreamt I would loose her this soon (67). My mom was struggling with COPD and High Blood Pressure but she was always at the Drs and we thought it was controlled. However, she was in the hospital one day, came home to finish healing and less than 12 hours later, she stopped breathing. My daughter called 911 and said she couldn't do CPR. They revived her, but by then she lost too much time and her brain function was not there. I know I completed her wishes by not keeping her on Life support, but I just wish I knew what happened to make her turn that quickly and why didn't the hospital keep her until they were sure she was out of the woods of something bad happening? These are questions that will never be answered. Now I'm left to go through her house and decide what's important and what's not???? It's all important.

I've been reading these posts and it says to take your time and have others help. I don't want any help and I don't want to take my time, I wish I could just leave her house the way it was forever!!! How long does it take to get through this? Why am I so angry, sad, afraid, etc? How can I make myself feel better? How can I "Get over it" as others tell me?

[MissionBlue]

I am so sorry for your loss.  What you are feeling is very normal.  I also feel like the hospital didn't do its best to save my dad.  They discharged him before they should have and I suspect the care he received was inadequate, because they gave up on him, on account of his age and his repeated hospital submissions.  I saw with my own eyes that they were not watching him in the Intensive Care unit -- I found him with his oxygen saturation very low and he was begging for air, water and God's mercy    There was no one attending to him -- the camera was probably just a prop.  The hospital personnel didn't care that between his hospital stays his quality of life was still relatively good.  I have gone over this in my own thread.  One lady in the waiting room told me that her dad had been discharged from the hospital with a perforated bowel.  Even doctors admit that the health care system in America is going to hell on account of the insurance companies.

 

It's been seven months since my dad died, and I am crying more now than in the beginning, because I miss him so much and reality has set in.  People have told me that it takes at least a year or two to adapt to a "new normal" of not having a loved one anymore.  I have tried several therapists, churches, bars, support groups, online forums, and countless prayers, but it's still very difficult for me to adapt to my new life alone.  I'm a person who never felt lonely before -- it's a terrible thing.  I don't know how other people can stand living alone, but I know many people get used to it and even come to prefer it, with the help of pets, usually.

 

Even though I'm still struggling to cope with my grief, I am still seeing a therapist, because it's fun talking to her.  I don't think she has cured me, but it's better than nothing,  Attending grief support groups is interesting.  I stopped going only because they were all located too far away.  I don't drive and taking public transit would just depress me more.  If I had a car I would drive to the next county to attend one, because if it doesn't help me, my participation might help someone else in the group.  

 

Losing a beloved parent is one of the hardest things we ever have to deal with in life.  Feeling angry, sad and afraid are a natural response to trauma.  We will never get over it, but we can learn how to live with our loss, by trying to focus on the positive -- easier said than done.  Try not to isolate yourself, unless you feel better that way.  I hate change -- I wish I could keep everything that belonged to my parents, but it's not an option for most people.  The only way to get through grief is to experience it.  Ignore people who tell you to get over it.  Their turn will come, unless they have a heart of stone, but who wants that?  I wish you the best.  

[MayFGL]

I am so sorry for your loss, Tammy. It is the hardest thing to go through losing a parent. I know because I lost my mom on March 13, 2015 from a massive stroke. She was my best friend. It will be 5 months soon. I still feel sad, alone and guilty. 

 

I feel guilty because I wasn't with mom when it happened. I was mom's main caretaker. Mom was wheelchair bound. The day when it happened, I took mom to the restroom and came back to check on her but she wasn't ready. She had a bowl movement and I came back to check on her 10 minutes later. This is where I feel very guilty...was it 10 minutes? 20 min? 30 min? I just remembered about mom and I jumped up to check on her. She had the stroke. I knew she had a stroke because I had two strokes myself. Mom's left side was affected because her left arm was clutched to her chest, mouth drooped and slurred speech. She was semi-conscious. 

 

I'll never forget watching my mom take her last gasps when she was in hospice. It will forever be burned in my memory. I never seen someone passed in front of me. I still cannot use the "D" word.

 

I will always feel guilty. These last few years I don't have a sense of time and is forgetful at times. Mom wasn't easy for me to take care of especially I'm one-handed. She wouldn't sleep at night or take naps during the day so I can sleep. At night, it's me and Mr Coffee. I get 3 hours of sleep if I'm lucky. Mom was constantly calling me. The minute I sit down, she calls for me again. This is a continuous thing. 

 

Even though it was challenging for me, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Anything to bring my mom back. I really miss my mom. People who say, "Get over it." probably haven't been through what we went through. Take all the time you need to grieve. 

 

I'm so glad that I found this site. I was desperate for some support. There are some amazing people here and I've made friends. Take care. 

[Tlavent]

So LOST

[Tlavent]

I'm so forgetful, I forgot to add my comment..

I want to thank each of you for telling your story. Just when I think I'm OK, I get a call or asked for something and there goes the river of tears again. I have been more mad at others then I can ever remember.

I wish my mom could talk to me, hold me or something, to let me know I'm doing the right thing!!!!

[ikaros]

lost,too. I want to scream at the world. I want to disappear. I'm sorry for you. If someone tells me my mom is dancing and laughing in heaven one more time I'm going to do something drastic. Sigh. I hate that. I don't even talk to anyone anymore because I am sick of their well meaning, well wished, singing in heaven BS. I understand it. I know WHY they do it. It's just hard to think that somehow that kind of response is deemed acceptable. 

 

Cleaning out my mom's condo (a rental) was brutal. I just wanted to lay in her bed and cry. At least it rained. How dare the world turn and the sun shine... I was so deeply offended. I'm still ANGRY!

[Jackieangel84]

I feel beyond lost! My mom left us 3 days ago now. I can't begin to explain the hole that is burned in my heart, the emptiness, and physical pain that aches almost constantly. We had to remove her from life support. I watched her struggle and breathe her last. That memory will never leave my soul. Part of me left with her that day.

I don't know how to begin to comprehend or move on from here. My dad is beyond lost as well, and I worry so much for him and how he will cope with out his everything. We watched her suffer this last year due to cancer, but we never thought she would leave us, especially the way she did. The condolences and Sorrys don't do anything but make that hole bigger. There are going to be lots of different stages that we will be going through as we grieve. Her funeral is in Monday and I don't know if I can even get myself through it. I feel that only those who have gone through this can truly understand the devastation that follows me right now. Know you aren't alone.

[MayFGL]

Jackieangel84, I am sorry for your loss. I know very well how you feel. My mom passed on March 13, 2015 from a massive stroke. I think of mom daily. It's been 5 months of hell for me. I was mom's main caretaker. It was challenging for me because I am handicapped (from a major stroke), but, I managed. I'll never forget when mom took her last gasp. Like you, that memory will forever be burned in my memory. To this day I still have a hard time saying the "D" word. I never experienced seeing a person passing before me.

 

Ikaros, I still have a hard time clearing/cleaning my mom's clothes. I started a few months ago placing some clothes in bags and they are still sitting there. I still can't bring myself to rid of the clothes....I'm not ready yet.

 

Just take this one day at a time.

 

Hugs to you.