Sudden and unexpected passing of my dad

[AngeliqueSoul]

I've read a few messages here, scanned handfuls of websites on grieving, even spoke with my therapist once already. I know I've only begun to scratch the surface of my grief, I guess I'm not sure what to do next. They keep saying to talk about this with folks, but I don't really have many good friends to open up to.

 

About two weeks ago tomorrow, my dad passed away in front of me. He was 67 years old, in relatively decent health for being a big older guy, and even in his 5 years of retirement was a very hard working man. Always in the yard or with a tool in his hand, he was very 'house proud'; my parents had 20+ acres of land, which he worked tirelessly on. He collapsed on our dining room floor, in front of my mom, moments after he had just sat down at the table. She screamed and I ran into the room, and saw my dad struggling for breath, until he stopped. With 911 on the line I was doing CPR on him for about ten minutes until the EMTs arrived, but after a half hour marathon effort they determined he wasn't going to come back. We think it was a heart attack, though we're not sure. We didn't bother to pay the additional thousands of dollars and wait a long time just for confirmation - the state deemed it natural causes.

 

I always felt like my dad was a really nice guy. Sure my parents fought from time to time, but they made it through what would have been 48 years of marriage in less than a month's time. With Father's Day due that following weekend, I was crushed. His birthday was the 3rd of July, also just around the corner. We had just rode our motorcycles up to Laconia Motorcycle Week for the opening day, Sunday, two days before. That Monday, my brother who lives in Oakland, CA, called my dad to say how he should fly out again sometime to go up to Laconia with us again soon. The Sunday following his passing my brother and his wife rode my dad's motorcycle up to Laconia one last time. Riding motorcycles, and chatting about car stuff, was probably the only things my dad and I had in common.

 

My family has always been very segregated, quiet, and kept to themselves. In my father's passing it's become apparent that none of us really has a good family / friend support system. My parents did just about everything together, and didn't really have 'friends' to speak of. Similar to my mom, I don't really have close friends either, only a former female spouse that I feel I can completely trust. We're very cautious, close-to-the-vest people. I happened to have been staying with my parents for the past year, but even in that time I think the three of us only exchanged hugs or 'I love you's' less than a handful of times. I know my parents love my brother and I very much though; my brother was clearly my dad's favorite, where as I spent a bunch of time with my mom. I am also transgender, and with that my father (both parents really) accepted me, and tried very hard to show it every day, in his own way.

 

I have since promised my brother that I would be there for our mom, that I wouldn't move out of the area or do anything to jeopardize her well-being. I want to hug her and hold her, cry with her in each other's arms, but she moreso than I, doesn't want the comfort. Never really has. Over the past two weeks we continue about our days, trying to function in-between quiet sobbing fits just to pull ourselves together and move on. Everything is so raw and unfinished that we're not quite sure what we should be doing next other than 'business as usual'. She's starting to clean out the house, getting rid of this and that of his clothes and other junk he'd been saving. I keep wandering around the house fighting to keep it together seeing so much of everything that reminds me of him.

 

I have a cousin who's a retired priest, who came to do the ceremonies for my dad. While being a fairly devout Catholic, his views on the afterlife veer a bit into what could be considered the 'new-age' territory. My mother and I have similar beliefs (though mine are more nature-based than hers). He had talked about life after death, and signs that our loved ones are out there, sometimes reaching out to us to see how things are going, to let us know they're there. At the funeral reception at our house, I was standing in our large garage, and had been joking lightly with my ex-spouse about how I wouldn't mind some ethereal help with the lawn and yard care. At almost that same moment after that thought, a small bird flew into the garage, landed on and edge of the wall, then flew over and landed on my motorcycle's mirror. It looked at the two of us, and chirped away.. seeming to looking back and forth between us for the better part of 20 seconds or so. It flew away a moment later, and I just stood there, dumbfounded. My ex looked at me, and said lightly - 'I don't think your dad's gonna help you with the yardwork.' I laughed and cried.

 

I know most / all folks on this forum have felt some kind of loss like this before. At this point I feel like I have to just pack it away otherwise it will crush me. I work two jobs, waitressing and computers, and both either can't have me being emotional, or require me to think very clearly to make important decisions. Waitressing I can handle, being social forces me to be friendly and talkative. My computer work however leaves me quietly to sit in a corner and stew over my emotions (and write this and figure out what to do next). I've seen all the suggestions about things to try... but I guess I just don't have the drive right now. I feel like I want to take a lifetime off work and just get on my motorcycle and ride and ride and ride until I just can't think anymore. But then I think about my mom, and feel bad for her. I want to help her somehow but it's like she doesn't want the help. *sigh*

 

I feel like my life's on Autopilot just to keep the motor running. Can't I just pull the emergency brake, leave the car on the side of the road, and walk away? I love my dad, but the baggage just hurts so much to carry around.

 

Apologies if I babbled too much or if this is in the wrong place for a post.

 

Kindly,

Angel

[Everly]

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[mydeepestthoughts]

My deepest condolences..When it comes to working out our grief, there is no such thing as babbling> smiling. Talking to someone is a great outlet to resolving emotional stresses that we endure when a loved one dies. Reaching out to our spirituality, Can also strengthen us in these critical times that are hard to deal with..i think you may enjoy reading the following link, it has brought me piece of mind, and hope. 

 

http://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/When-Someone-You-Love-Dies/#?insight[search_id]=83004c4b-1807-49e1-afe8-6720e5622e3d&insight[search_result_index]=0

 

 

 

 

My Condolences.

[AngeliqueSoul]

MyDeepestThoughts,

 

      I appreciate the condolences, thank you. I'll mention to my mom about the link you sent, and see if she's interested. The EMT's left a packet that included a small booklet about handling the grief of the passing of a loved one. It was nice to have something to flip through, just to know the emotions that we felt weren't wrong. The booklet was also, generally, non-religious, and dealt more with the realism aspects of physical coping mechanisms. While I mentioned that my mother and I had the same beliefs, we're not very religious. I certainly mean absolutely no disrespect towards anyone's beliefs, but I don't like talking about religion; That which we believe, we hold dearly to each of our own selves, individually. I completely respect looking to one's beliefs in this situation as a coping mechanism, it's just not for me.

 

      I look at the memories and thoughts of my father running through my mind, and know that those memories are learned patterns. I also know and understand that the human mind needs time to develop new, consistent patterns. Repetition is also key. I hope to find and learn new ways to see, remember, and process thoughts of my father in such a way that do not cause me to collapse into a crying puddle of person on the floor.

[mydeepestthoughts]

You are MORE then welcomed..time May heal the shock of our loss, but they will always be a part of us..My mother was my best friend, and having the hope of seeing her again on earth sustains me. As you go thru the difficult period of adjustment, if you need someone to chat with I am always available.

May you find peace

[AngeliqueSoul]

I went to his resting place today for the first time since his passing. It's in need of TLC, and the stone won't be ready until August. My dad's passing was sudden and unplanned for. Everything was done in a moments notice. Sadly there's only the obvious square and wilting flowers for now. I saw my brother carved 'dad' into the dirt, and put up a small stick cross. Today I found a flat stone and gave him a proper headstone from my heart, simple, but I made it myself... There was nothing otherwise. Really is sad. Tomorrow I'm going to get fresh lawn dirt and properly till the top of his space. Maybe it'll give me some peace.

[kimmycimmy]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my mom on February 5th and it's still very raw. I don't have a place to put flowers, but I get to see her whenever I'm at my dads and I have a vase by her urn there that I bring a lavender rose for her, that was her favorite. When my Grandmother passed we planted Hosta's on the site. they come back every year and they flower for a little time. They make the spot look nice and they renew themselves every year. If the cemetary would let you maybe you could plant someting on his spot that will always be there for him. That will make the spot look cared for and let you know that he will never be forgotten. The stone was a nice touch, I don't know if you painted it with the words Dad on it but that would be nice too. You'd have to seal coat it so it wouldn't wash off in the rain but that would be something that you could have there even after the stone is placed. Something from you, something special. I found doing little things at the site makes me feel a bit better, like I'm doing something for them even though they're not here any longer. I hope this helps a little. I know it can't help the pain you're feeling now but know that I'm still feeing the same pain for my Mom. It's so hard to lose a parent, but know you're not alone, we're all here for you and we're all in the same place of mourning.