Struggling to come to terms with my mom's death

[May31]

On 5/31/15, my mom passed, and I'm having a lot of difficulty coming to terms with it. I feel guilty, depressed, and a million other emotions that I can't express with words.

Her addiction to heroine killed her. I was fooled for two years, thinking she was clean and sober. On the 26th, she called an ambulance complaining of "chest pains", which would be perfectly logical considering she'd had two open heart surgeries (once again, because of her addiction). The real reason she went was to get pain medicine because of her withdrawals. When she came home that day, she knew that I knew what was going on. "You hate me, don't you?" were the first words out of her mouth. I told her that I didn't hate her, I hated heroin and the person that heroin made her. I told her that she had to quit cold turkey to understand how badly she needed to get off of the stuff. I left her alone for an hour or so, and then went into her room to tell her how proud of her I was for doing this the way she was, no matter how miserable it is. When I walked in, I caught her trying to shoot up from old cottons, and I started screaming at her, I was so angry and so disappointed that she would do that to me. She told me that'd she'd rather be dead than feel the way she was feeling, and she was so ashamed of the mental turmoil she had put me through. I left her alone, and she continued with her withdrawals. Her detox was terrifying to see-- vomiting, diarrhea, restless legs so bad that her headboard was banging all night. When I tried to sleep, I heard her kicking, and I went into an extreme panic attack and called my aunt. I just wanted some reassurance that she was gonna be okay, that she was going to live and be happy when she came out of these withdrawals. The next day, she slept most of the day. Eventually, she woke up and I gave her a sleeping pill, and told her how proud of her I was. I asked her if she was okay, she said no, and then proceeded to say "I'm just gonna lay here". I said I loved her, and she said it back, and I walked out of the room. Maybe ten minutes later, I heard her gasping for air. I called my aunt, and we proceeded to call 911. She wasn't breathing. She went to the hospital, and was put on a ventilator. That was so scary to see. She also had a huge abscess on her hip from trying to shoot up there the day before. We did neurological tests, and she was brain dead. She always told me that if she had to live on life support, she'd rather me pull the plug than keep her as a vegetable, so that's what we did. She donated her kidneys and liver, and that was that.

I just can't help but feel guilty for so many reasons. My boyfriend's step dad offered her some drugs (not the kind she was on) to help her through withdrawal, and I was selfish and said no because I wanted her to learn her lesson. And I didn't call 911 quick enough. What if I had called 911 before I called my aunt? What if I'd have given her some subutex to help her through her withdrawal? what if I hadn't told her to cold turkey her way through withdrawal? I just feel like I did so much wrong.

I'm just absolutely broken. My mom was my everything. She was my best friend, she was my guidance counselor, she was my rock and my stability. I keep expecting her to walk out of her room. Ive almost texted her to check in about 10 times now. I just can't help but be broken hearted.

I don't know what I expect to get out of posting this.

[MayFGL]

May31, I am so sorry for your loss. Life is real cruel. It's very hard to accept that your mom is no longer with you. That is how I felt. My mom recently passed on March 13 from a massive stroke. I was numb. When mom died in hospice, it felt unreal. I never experience someone dying in front of me. I kept thinking that she's going to get up any minute. 

 

I went through the what if's. What if I didn't leave mom alone in the bathroom? What if I remembered about mom sooner instead of forgetting about her? All these what ifs. I've posted my story in "Mom passed and I feel guilty" short version and "Lost A Parent" long version. 

 

Know that you mom is very proud to have a daughter like you. You wanted what was best for her, to be drug-free. Somewhere out there a part of your mother is still living through the kidney and liver.

 

Keep posting because your not alone. You can share with us your feelings, what's on your mind, you can rant and just anything. We don't judge. **HUGS**