Feeling Overwhelmed

[Danlias]

Hello,

 

I lost my mom just 4 weeks ago and I feel like I haven't had a chance to breathe yet.  It all happened so fast.  She had breast cancer and we were in the process of getting tests done to see if it had spread to her bones when she had a heart attack.  Less then two weeks later, she passed away.  My mom was 77 and we thought we would have at least a little more time.

 

Since then, I have been staying with my dad off and on and my nerves are shot. He is obsessed with getting all of her clothes out of the house.  I can't do it all in one day, it's just too much and it upsets me.  He has been nagging me about making calls for him, running errands and he questions everything I do.  I'm trying to do as much as I can for him but it doesn't seem like it's ever enough.  I understand that he is lost too so I'm trying my best.  My sister is no help and stays away.  My dad, age 79, doesn't seem to understand that I need time to grieve.  I work fulltime and I'm trying to do everything for him but I need some space to process everything that happened.  I haven't had a day to myself since before she went into the hospital in January.  I'm trying not be selfish but I feel like I'm going to break.  I cry every day, my back is constantly hurting, I've been eating nothing but junk food, and all I want to do is sleep.  I don't have the energy to do anything and I just feel lost.  I don't know if all of this is normal or not.

 

Everyone keeps saying "Let us know if you need anything." but what do I say...Will you clean my house?  Will you take care of my dad for a day?  Will you give me a day off so I can just go for a walk to figure things out?

 

Thanks for listening and letting me vent.

 

 

[Everly]

ugggh, I don't understand those who want to get rid of everything so fast!!  My Mom passed away in October, and nothing has been touched in her condo, except for papers that I need to finish her finances, etc.  Other than that, we haven't touched a thing and don't plan to for a while.  Much to painful!!!

 

It must be your Dad's way of grieving, it's not the first time I've heard of this, I just don't understand it. 

 

I know how you must be feeling, it is so awfully painful, and then on top of it having to take care of your Dad.  Tell him you can't do it, you need time.. tell him.  Ask him what is the harm in keeping your Mom's things around for a while, and ask him please if he could just wait a little while and give you some time to settle down.  Will he listen to you?

 

I don't understand the whole thing with people "let us know if you need anything"... really?  My Mom passed in October, and she has 4 surviving siblings... I talk to one regularly, her sweet sister, other than that... there is no help.

 

Sorry you are having to bear all of this, too much too fast.  Hoping you can talk to your Dad.

[silverkitties]

Welcome to the club, Danlias--

 

I can only condole and sympathize without being able to provide much advice as I'm facing many of the same problems w/ my 84-year-old father. 

 

Like Retz, I lost my mom in early October. I just posted a thread yesterday, so I won't go into all the gory details here; but it's still painful to go through my mom's belongings. I was able to get her best clothes and give them to a favorite younger sister who traveled up several states to attend my mom's memorial service. But there's still quite a bit more. And I still can't face that bag of clothes we brought to the hospital--and back: they were clothes she was supposed to wear on the ride home. For some reason, too, I've kept her yellow quilted jacket on the chair where she used to sit in the study. It's there with a little bag of makeup which was supposed to be mine--but which I let her keep as she wanted it.

 

You probably need to sit your father down and have a talk: I'm hoping you have better luck than me. I tell my dad to go to bed earlier and get up earlier so that it doesn't break up my day at an awkward time for me. He gets up at noon for breakfast! (It was even worse when my mom was alive.) It ticks me off when I'm the one doing all the work in the house--cooking, cleaning, finance, and probate--on top of my own work committments while he refuses to cooperate. (Although I can say that he at least no longer tries to cook and clean, which made it worse for me as he never did a good job of either and I had to spend extra time cleaning up his mess.) 

 

I hope venting here will ease your mind a bit. Sometimes it's comforting to know that others here understand--even if those nearby can't.