need advice. my dad is dating someone right after my mom died

[silverotter]

my mom passed away from cancer at age 52 in late April 2014. she was my best friend and it was an awful couple of years seeing her hurting and in so much pain. when she died my dad was devastated. well, he started 'seeing' someone about 2 months after my mom passed. that was pretty tough for me to deal with, but i tried not be upset about it. i figured it was a way to distract himself from the pain. now it's been close to 7 months since she passed and my dad keeps asking if i will meet this woman and hang out with her. i don't want to meet her. it makes my skin crawl even to think that she has been to our house and to our family cabin up north with my dad. she's started posting photos and things on his facebook page and she recently gave my dad a gift to pass on to my 1-year-old daughter (who she's never met). i'd much rather prefer she not even exist. the last time my dad called me to ask if i would meet her was literally on the 6-month anniversary of my mom's death... i said no, but i know he will ask me again. i'm worried he will want to include her in thanksgiving festivities, which are already going to be so sad because my mom won't be there. he says he doesn't want her to feel bad because he's already met all her family and friends and she's never met his. i can't help but feel that in some ways my dad moving on so quickly is disrespectful to my mom's memory, but i don't want to hurt his feelings either. and i don't want him to be alone forever. am i being unfair to him and this woman? or is it legitimate that i don't want her to be a part of my life?

[jmgwomom]

So sorry for your loss.  I too lost my Mom (who was my best friend), and shortly after, my dad started to see someone.  They were married for 50 years! and within a few months he sold the family home and moved in with the new lady.   It has not been easy, to say the least!  I would not tell you how to feel or what to do, but just know that YOUR feelings matter... but perhaps only to you.  You have no control over what anyone else does.  But you do have the right to your feelings and if you are uncomfortable around the new woman in your dad`s life, then you choose whether to be around or not...   With time, things will continue to change (as will your feelings towards this woman...)   I am happy for my dad, but I truly feel that I lost him too, when my Mom died...  It has been 2 years without my Mom, and the changes just keep coming...  Its not always easy, but it is always worth it!  Live each day for YOU and try not to stress or worry about what may or may NOT come next.

 

Hope some of my thoughts can and will help you.   Be strong!...  even when its hard!

 

PS  Writing your thoughts and feelings down helps me.  Perhaps it may work for you.

[cindyjane]

Hi silverotter

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am also sorry that you are going through all of this with your dad.  As I was reading your post I kept thinking about how everyone handles grief differently and I've heard this kind of situation before.  Your dad obviously loved your mother very much and was devastated when she passed on.  Of course loneliness would hit him hard.  

 

A friend/co-worker of mine went through the same kind of thing with her dad when her mom passed on.  After about 5 months she decided to join her dad and his friend for coffee and found his friend to be a very nice person.  Today, my friend goes for brunch with the both of them every Sunday.  I am thinking that your dad's friend may be a nice person as well being she gave a gift for your daughter.  Maybe give her a chance and meet her when you are up for it.  No sure if any of this makes sense, I just think that both you and your dad are going through a lot with your loss and maybe giving her a chance is a good thing????

 

take care

Cindy Jane

[BaileyB]

Hello,

I'm also so very sorry to hear about your loss. Your situation is very difficult, and I say this as one who's father also started dating another woman two months after my mom passed away. I can tell you that we waited over a year to meet this woman and I did not feel badly about that at all... As the previous posted said, you have every right to your feelings and if you are not ready to meet this woman, you should take the time that you need to grieve your mother and not feel badly about asking for that time.

However, there comes a point in time when you will need to meet this woman and open yourself to the idea of having a relationship with her. You will know when that time comes and when you are ready. If you are like me, it will likely be one step forward, two steps back... Meeting her and seeing her in our family home, brings up more grief for me all the time. It has been three years now, and I can honestly say that I'm happy that my dad has found companionship and happiness with this women. That said, she is not my favorite person. I have a relationship with her only because she is dating my father. I would not say that we have a friendship. My best advice... Take baby steps when you are ready. Don't judge yourself if you find seeing her brings up emotions that you may not like ie. Grief or anger. And, don't be afraid to tell your dad that it's hard for you and what you want (ie. Set some boundaries). Your relationship will likely grow and change with time... It does get better. But, it is not easy to deal with and my heart goes out to you... Take care.