Lost my dad to suicide

[ConnorJamesDoyle]

On May 22nd last year, I lost my dad to suicide. I've had my ups and downs but lately it all seems to be a big down. Worse still, I was the one to find him, hanging from our attic. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder back in his 30's, and took his life at the age of 53. I'm 18 now, and it was only until my mother left him roughly three months before his death (bearing in mind my mother didn't do this out of spite, she regretted it but it also stemmed largely from past things my dad had done and she couldn't take it anymore) that I learned he had this ailment, and being somewhat naive at the time, thought him being my dad he would be okay and everything would be okay.

Unfortunately however, things only spiralled downwards from then on. As a result of school needs and my girlfriend living close to me, I lived with my dad whilst he was in this state, whilst my mum moved away to live with her mother roughly 30 miles away. My dad became completely and utterly distant to me, never speaking to me and even when he did he would express his fear of life never being the same and that his head was somewhat "numb". This was then preceded by him being hospitaled after an outburst, resulting in me living alone for two weeks. And then, when I was coming home from school one day having finished all but one of my exams, I walked into my family home and I found him.

Afterwards, I lost everything. My home, my dog, my childhood, and was forced to live with my grandmother due to travelling issues with where my mum lived. A year on now, I'm still living with my grandmother and every day I still have that image of my dad stuck in my head. It's only recently this week that something has really triggered my outbursts of crying, anger and generally sadness. I've tried counselling but I just can't seem to get anything out of it. Really I suppose what this is is my cry for help. It feels as if I have no one to talk to and that I am completely alone sometimes.

[renee123]

Hi ConnorJamesDoyle

 

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I too, lost my mother to suicide this last December, so I can to an extent imagine what you might be going through. I have siblings, all quite supportive, but I just don't feel I can talk to them openly. It is through no fault of theirs; just my inability to talk to them, that makes me feel alone and helpless. That and the fact that her suicide probably affects me the most since I was the one living with her, and found her.

Some days I'm okay; and by okay I guess I only mean that I'm able to repress my feelings, but on others, it's extremely difficult. I feel alone and helpless, and can't help blaming myself.

I've considered counselling, but for one things it's frightfully expensive, and another, I don't know how helpful it'll be. It wasn't much help to my mother.

[sally_beans]

Renee and Connor, have you considered finding counseling within a church? My church offers free grief counseling. I have only gone once.. planning on another appointment for tomorrow. Initially I was terrified. I went, shared the story of my Dad's suicide.. it was very formal, on my part. My therapist cried, I barely did. Yet, day to day--it's all I can seem to do. I'm ready to go back and break into how I'm feeling over what his story was.

[Mum]

Very few people will know how you're feeling but most people will be able to empathise with you. I lost my most wonderful mum 3 weeks ago and though she was 80 and i'm 58 ,her lost is such an unbearable blow that at the moment, most of the time my brain can not accept it so most people think I'm coping well however I do know that somewhere further down the road when my brain feels it's safer I will react to that loss. Losing your dad when you are so young must be so so much more heart breaking for you and this is compounded by the very tragic circumstances you witnessed so your reactions are entirely 'normal '. I have sons who are 18 and 14 and lately I have thought about my own mortality and how they would feel if I was not here it is unimaginable ,utterly heartbreaking and entirely 'human'.Looking after yourself ,surrounding yourself with good friends and relatives ,eating well and taking exercise will help but also important is to find some good counselling -keep looking until you have found some because it takes time to respond but it will happen. I think you're a wonderful young man and will eventually come through this just take one day at a time. Will be thinking of you !