I lost my father a while ago

[mdodson]

I need to ask if someone can give me an answer or some help. My father, was a single parent, now I have to admit he had his own mental issues, that did not help, I viewed my father as my Mr. Mom, best friend, doctor (he did my dressing when i was sick),advisor all rolled into one! we were a team! less than a year before he passed he had to move in with me because I had some serious health issues. When that happened I do believe that made us become close again compared to when I moved out about 3 years earlier. Well, less than 2 week before my father passed I met this guy. So when my father passed I really did not have anyone to really lean on and also I threw myself into my work so I did not have to think about thinks. It was my distraction. I leaned on this new guy which later I found out he was a drunk and a drug addict. but all I wanted was someone to be there for me when I needed to cry and morn but instead I had him at a neighbors drinking and not caring. all I kept saying was this was not the way I was raised. I was so unhappy and depressed! 3 months after my fathers death I was put on anti depressants and did not seek counseling. slowly I felt he was just giving my fathers things away. So the more he gave away of my father the closer I held my fathers memories. as I look back now I think I moralized my father. I know that if my father did not die I would not been in that relationship long. I felt like I was alone. I did not give myself the time to grieve. I had to work but also I dont think I was taught how to grieve. I was taught no matter how much you hurt you have to stand tall and continue. I do wonder if that is what I did. I can keep doing this I need to FINALLY grieve but now after all this time? what can I do to get help. I am still fighting to get health insurance 

 

[MissuDad]

Hi mdodson,

 

I don´t know when your father passed away, but for what I´ve been reading for this last year, people can actually start grieving at any point on their lives, if they don´t do it when the loss occurs, so I believe what you´re feeling is normal, you need to go through the pain of loss otherwise it will consume you or come out on different ways...

 

I´m no expert, so take everything I write with a grain of salt, but if when your dad died you threw yourself into work and a new relationship, it seems you couldn´t deal with the pain, so you looked for ways to distract yourself, but as they say, grief never goes away and has to be experienced. I think that in some extent we all avoid grief, some more than others, I can speak for myself, many times I felt/feel I delay crying and try to occupy my mind with other things, but at some point I finally cave and let some of it out otherwise I feel more anxious and nervous...

 

It´s normal wanting to have someone on your side through hard times, I remember feeling alone and would´ve given anything to have a shoulder to cry on, at that time you did what you needed to do and as time went by you realised that was not what you needed. If you´re finding it hard now, you can look up for information online on healthy ways to express grief, things like keeping a journal, writing and paiting can really help you to let it out, this community is also a great place where you´ll be understood and find compassion and empathy. If you feel that won´t be enough, you can look for a therapist to help you cope, I don´t know where you´re from, but for what I read here, there are always places where you won´t need to pay or just pay simbolic prices.

 

Feel free to text me, if you need anything.

 

I´m really sorry for your loss.

 

A big hug

[jjl]

I'm sorry for your loss. I wish I could give you a hug. My mother (also a single parent) died in January and I've really leaned on my boyfriend of 4 years and it's put a strain in our relationship. I understand how you feel about really needing someone to lean on and needing a shoulder to cry on. It's really hard to find someone who can do all those things for you without straining the relationship especially when it's a budding one. But you're right, you do need to grieve and to give yourself the time to process all your feelings and thoughts. Life doesn't need to stop, in order to grieve, you just have to set time for yourself. 

 

In terms of seeking help: I'm now just starting to search for grieving support groups online. I found some free ones or relatively low cost ($20 for the workbook) by googling grief support groups in my city. Maybe you could try that. I also just signed up for this forum though I don't really understand how they work...share your feelings here. 

 

*virtual hug*

Jess