Members MissuDad Posted April 18, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 18, 2014 Hi everyone, Today marks the first anniversary of my dad´s departure Looking back I can truly say this has been the worst year of my life, I never thought I´d make here or even how I´d be able to go through this. It has been a very hard journey, my whole life has been changed and so have I. When dad died, not only did I loose my father, but also my rock, my shelter, part of my childhood and the man who´d had always been there for me. To me grief is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, it really changes you as an individual; my priorities changed, some friends changed, my life style and personality changed. There has been highs and lows, mostly lows and even sometimes it´s still hard to believe that he really left me. I feel like I need to say so much, but it´s hard to share what´s going on within, that´s one of the things about grief, sometimes it leaves you alone for a while, but then it comes back and you feel confused and out of control again with a need to let something out. We try to move on with our lifes, but there´s always a sense of void presente and the arrival of "special" dates seems to enhance that void. Today I had a goal that ufortunately won´t be able to follow through, I wanted to finally get his ashes and find a place for him to rest in peace, even so I won´t give up and sooner or later I will be able to do that.. Just needed to randomly vent as it´s hard to express what goes inside. A big thank you to all of you here who have helped me makes this journey a little more tolerable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Trish91 Posted April 18, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 18, 2014 Dear MissU, I just wanted to say that I am here for you and I hear you, and also understand very well what you are experiencing. You are incredible, for you have been able to survive a whole year without your best friend and biggest supporter, your dad. I cannot even think of another day without my mom, my best friend, my soul mate, the most important person in the world to me, and an amazing mom, professional, sister, daughter and friend. I really brave lady who always had a kind word and smile for everybody, and who was truly open minded and intelligent. I miss her more every single day that goes by, and I wonder what the point is in living without her. However, I know that she's with me in spirit, and she is in a wonderful place, with her own mom and dad, and other relatives, and not suffering like me. Do you have any spiritual beliefs, if you don't mind asking? I am sorry your sister freaks out too much and rather than help you and your mom, makes it more painful. However, I am glad you have her and some good friends, and that your mom is still alive. When is her surgery? Please have faith that everything will be fine. I know where you are coming from after what happened to your dad, but you need to be there for her right now and try to believe that things will turn out fine. I know it's very easily said than done, but since there is hope and a possibility for her to feel better through surgery, you have to cling onto that hope and faith. There are some really amazing people on this forum, people who are a lot younger than me and been through a lot, and who still fight for their lives even though they've lost everything and more. So, I guess we should consider ourselves blessed and be very grateful. I am certainly grateful for my mom didn't really suffer and had an amazing life and a very dignified death. I am really honoured to be her child and call her my mom. I love her to bits and forever, until the day when we meet again. It was four months yesterday, and it is one year for your dad. Let's honour them today and always, and think of them every day until we can join them, and although as you said, we have changed a lot and forever, our lives have changed forever with their departure, we are, we hope, better people as a result, more mature, decent, considerate and compassionate. Warm regards and a big virtual hug! Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissuDad Posted April 19, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Hi Trish, Beautiful message I got tears in my eyes reading the last part, thank you Regarding your questions, I don´t have any spiritual beliefs, I believe if I had I could find some solace in them. I still don´t know when the surgery will be, we just went to another doctor to get a second opinion and now we´ll go to another recommended by the last one. Only after they tell us that it´s really necessary, she´ll have the surgery to remove it... I admit I find it hard being positive, but deep down inside I have some hope... On top of that I´ve been having some work related problems, my boss is awful and is trying to stain my reputation on the company... Sometimes I get really tired of all the problems and wish I could just be left alone and get some peace. I keep pressing in, but wish sometimes things would go more my way... 4 months is like a day on grief timeline, at that time I was anxious everyday and feeling like going crazy and not knowing what to do (not that I know now), you might look for some posts of mine around that time and see you are not alone You´ll get to the year mark too, can´t tell you it will be an easy ride, but somehow we get here. A big hug Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Heartlight Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Hi MissuDad and Trish, Trish that was a beautiful sentiment at the end of your message. I appreciated reading that myself. I hope it was not too hard of a day for you yesterday, MissuDad. I'm glad you stopped by to express yourself. My first year for my father was terrible for me. Not on the day but on the month leading up to it. My father chose Christmas Day to leave this earth. He passed away due to illness but we know that once he realized that he was not going to make it, that he decided that would be his day of passing. There are reasons we believe this but this isn't about that. Once the Christmas lights went up at the end of November, I because furious. I became insanely angry at this world that had to flaunt it in my face that my father wasn't here anymore. Cheery Christmas music, bright and happy lights, laughing people, colorful presents all made me rage, near psychopathic, because I could not escape it, not even in my own home because of neighbours and windows. Because of that, when the day finally came and there was no movement in the streets, just the overcast Christmas morning glow, I felt a great deal of peace. I wrote my father a letter and talked about what it meant to me to be his daughter and it was that day that I found a way to accept that what is, is. I still have tears, I still miss him like crazy. But I don't feel as without him as much because I found a little bit of him inside me that day. Gentle wishes, <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissuDad Posted April 20, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2014 Hi heartlight, thank you for your message. The day on itself was not a bad day, today was worse... I woke up, stayed in and the went to the gym and then as it´s Easter here, I went to the supermarket to grab some stuff and make a quick dinner for me and my mom. All day I kept thinking how it had been the previous here, stuff like, a year ago I was sitting on this couch deciding how his funeral should be and even when I went to see my mom, I started to thing that a year ago, at that time I was going there too, to sleep, cuz my dad had just died. Today was a bit different, I first woke up and felt really anxious with my mind racing, but forced myself to sleep some more... 2 hours later, I woke up again and came to the living room, I kept feeling said and decided to listen to some music and the song "gone too soon" would not leave my mind, I felt like I needed to cry, but was afraid of letting it out (really weird)... Then got a text from a friend to go to the gym and so I went, then went to have dinner, but always with this feeling haunting me. After dinner, I said to another friend, let´s go to see the store my dad had (I hadn´t been there in 2 or 3 years), my goal for the 1 year day was to finally put his ashes somewhere, but I couldn´t so I think this was the next best thing. I can tell you that driving that small road was really hard, I have so many memories there of me and my dad, from a young boy to an adult and watching everything today was intense, then I stopped the car and sang my heart out (I like to sing), sometimes I almost felt out of control, but kept doing it, I felt like I needed to let sorrow out and that helped a bit... I believe as time goes by we get less used to have these intense emotions that can not be put in words and lose some of the stretagies we first had dealing with them, so it can be overwhelming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Heartlight Posted April 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2014 Hi MissuDad, It sounds like that drive was a really good thing for you. I'm glad you found some way of expressing yourself. It's such a hard time that I am grateful for any and all things that can help us find a bit of peace in our non-peaceful world. <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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