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Boyfriend committed suicide.


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#1 RememberingRachael

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Posted 30 March 2012 - 07:46 AM

Amy,
my angel walked into a Subway Station on the 17th February and never came out.
I am, like you are, changed forever.

my story is similar to yours in some ways; my girlfriend was haunted by many demons from her past,
and grieving ferociously at the time of her death.
I am convinced that it was the darkness brought on by grief that killed her in the end.

i feel guilty, partly responsible and everything else.
all the apparently normal stuff.
although i know that i am not in any way responsible,
i do believe that had i been there for her in the end she would likely not be dead.
this is okay though. i didn't mean any harm by not being there.

i just made a mistake is all.

i have to take responsibility for the things i do in my life.
it is something i have to deal with now and it will make a stronger person eventually.

my girlfriend was sick Amy, and so was your boyfriend.
like a good friend told me, i wasn't able to save my lady from loneliness or grief any more
than i could have performed surgery on her.

i decided immediately upon my girlfriends death, that the darkness that haunted her,
the cycle of guilt that ran through her from her own grief,
would be banished. the cycle will stop here with me.

it's tough Amy isn't it?
if you need to talk or share anything don't hesitate to do so.
if you're anything like me you'll appreciate the conversation.

Cian,
I normally am on the other thread, loss of Adult Child. However, I try to glance and see if there is someone on the other threads who may need comfort. I saw your post to see. It is I who have been tremendously comforted by your words.
Thank you for posting.
Your phrase ......
i decided immediately upon my girlfriends death, that the darkness that haunted her,
the cycle of guilt that ran through her from her own grief,
would be banished. the cycle will stop here with me.
.....encourages me to move forward. To make the decision to end this endless cycle of grief and despair. To move forward as my lovely daughter would want. Thank you again for posting and may you be blessed today immeasurably as you continue to heal and find peace.
Maddy


#2 Cian

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Posted 29 March 2012 - 05:43 AM

Amy,
my angel walked into a Subway Station on the 17th February and never came out.
I am, like you are, changed forever.

my story is similar to yours in some ways; my girlfriend was haunted by many demons from her past,
and grieving ferociously at the time of her death.
I am convinced that it was the darkness brought on by grief that killed her in the end.

i feel guilty, partly responsible and everything else.
all the apparently normal stuff.
although i know that i am not in any way responsible,
i do believe that had i been there for her in the end she would likely not be dead.
this is okay though. i didn't mean any harm by not being there.

i just made a mistake is all.

i have to take responsibility for the things i do in my life.
it is something i have to deal with now and it will make a stronger person eventually.

my girlfriend was sick Amy, and so was your boyfriend.
like a good friend told me, i wasn't able to save my lady from loneliness or grief any more
than i could have performed surgery on her.

i decided immediately upon my girlfriends death, that the darkness that haunted her,
the cycle of guilt that ran through her from her own grief,
would be banished. the cycle will stop here with me.

it's tough Amy isn't it?
if you need to talk or share anything don't hesitate to do so.
if you're anything like me you'll appreciate the conversation.

#3 Cian

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Posted 29 March 2012 - 05:41 AM

.

#4 JustinYoung

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Posted 29 February 2012 - 04:30 PM

Sweet Amy,

You said you were seeking understanding. As most of us can tell you, that may not come for awhile, if ever at all, especially while you are experiencing some of the darkest moments of you life.

Seeking counseling is the best decision you could make because not only are you having to deal with the natural grieving process of having such an unexpected tragedy occur in your life, but it's become complicated with the guilt he made you feel. You may have understanding of what has happened with your rational mind: that he had many demons in his life to battle, and one of the ways to deal with it was to take it out on you - it's what happens with people suffering from sever self-image and low self-esteem issues (my wife suffered from the same thing as well - she couldn't love herself and so felt undeserving of my love so she would lash out at me in order to give her reason to distance herself from me)... but you may have a more difficult time understanding it emotionally.


Be patient with yourself. I remember my first visit with my counselor after the accident. I didn't have time to grieve - had kids to take care of, support and be there for. So I waked in, slammed my hand down on the table and said "Tell me the fastest way to get through this."

I'll never forget what he said. "There's no way to make it go faster," he told me. "But there are things you can do to make it last longer than it has to."


Let emotion flow when you are alone. Release, release, release. "You have to feel to heal" is what I always tell people.

The hardest thing to overcome is avoidance. Don't avoid those events and situations, like holidays, or a movie theater, etc. that you used to do together. Thanksgiving was right around the corner and I wanted to just go out to eat as a family instead of the usual gathering at home.

My counselor looked at me and asked, "...and what are you doing?"

I dropped my head, "...avoiding...."

So we did it. Thanksgiving as always. It was the worst EVER and I couldn't wait to go home, but we made it through.

Face everything. Don't avoid it. Work closely with your counselor and follow their advice. And even if you never achieve "understanding," what you will achieve is peace.

How lucky he was to have someone like you to love him unconditionally during his last days.

Sending you peace, strength and courage (<3)
Justin (<3) "You have to Feel to Heal"
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#5 Ada

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Posted 28 February 2012 - 11:04 AM

Diane,

Your story brought me to tears. I cannot imagine the pain, but I do have very close friends and immediate family too that suffer from mental illness and I agree with you that mental illnesses are like any other out there and that people that suffer them cannot control themselves at points. I read the US National Institute of Mental Health claims that one in five adult Americans is afflicted with a mental disorder, and this was a while back! Depression has been described as "the common cold of mental illness". When it strikes, it shakes you to the core, it corrodes your confidence, self-esteem, your ability to think straight and make decisions.

Nonetheless, we can all agree with the Bible too when it says that we are living in "critical times hard to deal with", and we are all being subjected to considerable stress. Since we are all subject to the debilitating effects of sin and imperfection, it is no surprise that we succumb to mental illnesses. Knowing though that God cares deeply for us can relieve some of our anxiety. "While you throw all your anxiety upon Him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7) We are promised in the Bible that soon "no resident will say: 'I am sick''. (Isaiah 33:24) This promise gives me much hope to keep going in this world surrounded by suffering. Soon all the distressing ailments and maladies will be gone. We have the promise of a new world, the way it was meant to be with Adam and Even but they lost, a world with no more "mourning or outcry or pain" or illnesses of any kind. (Revelation 21:4)

Diane, you seem like such a loving mom and someone who can provide much comfort too, please keep coming back. We would love to hear more from you.

Warm hugs,

Ada

#6 sadlady

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Posted 27 February 2012 - 08:06 AM

amy...i am so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend...i do understand the guilt that goes along with the grief. i do see a grief counselor and it does help. this might also help you. you might try a grief counselor for a time and see if this might help have someone to talk to.
i do, however, disagree with suicide being a "selfish act". my son had mental illness and deep depression that we did not know about until his last days. he hid it so well. he was a professional and he hid it from his patients. no one knew about it. always a smile on his face, always a kind word spoken, always doing something for someone else, and so loving, caring...would take the shirt off his back if you needed it. his depression had gotten the best of him for a number of reasons we don't understand, and will never understand. do "I" feel guilty? of course...i live with it everyday....what did i not see, and why did i not see it? what kind of mother does not see this kind of illness in her own son? was he being selfish? hell no!!!! he was sick and being very sick does not make you selfish....being mentally ill is no different than having cancer or diabetes or any other number of illnesses out there that you can succumb to.
i can't quote the Bible at this very moment, but it is somewhere near where it says, 'suffer not the little children.' it means the same thing. when you have a mental illness, it sends you back to child-like thinking and you have no control of your actions. this i learned from a pastor....the very one who was with my son on the beach where he took his life. she held his hand and prayed over him when she heard the shot and turned around and sat with him until 911 and the police came (his brother was one of those police officers). yes, we have had a lot to deal with.
so, amy....it will take time and i pray you won't beat yourself up and will take the time you need to grieve the loss of your boyfriend, but realize that you are someone very special and you do deserve to be loved. this coming from the mother of 4 very special children, including one who now resides in heaven.
take care, love, diane {{huggs}}

Nathan's last text to me: " I truly love you, Mom, ALWAYS and FOREVER"
Diane, Nathan's Mom always and forever.
1/19/1979 to 1/21/2011

#7 widower2

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Posted 27 February 2012 - 07:31 AM

I'm very sorry for all of your losses. I doubt I can add much to what's been well said already, but Amy - and I think deep down you know this - this was NOT your fault. At all. Say that over and over until it sticks because it's the truth. You were not to blame for his illness or attitude or decisions, esp the ultimate one. You have suffered enough! To put yourself through even more is not fair to you. If he really loved you as you say, he now knows how wrong and even cruel it was for him to do this - suicide is a selfish act - but worse, to try and place blame on your for his problems and decisions. People are ultimately responsible for their own actions. Finally, keep in mind he is not suffering any more; why then should you? If he realy loved you, would he want that? Of course not; that's not what love is about at all.

Be fair to yourself. I'm not saying you can totally forget or stop being sad about it, but it doesn't have to dominate or hinder your life from being full again. I have no doubt you can find someone who will love you and treat you well, the way you deserve. And there are a lot of jerks who might do otherwise - avoid them like the plague. Don't settle for less! Best to you!



#8 widower2

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Posted 27 February 2012 - 07:31 AM

I'm very sorry for all of your losses. I doubt I can add much to what's been well said already, but Amy - and I think deep down you know this - this was NOT your fault. At all. Say that over and over until it sticks because it's the truth. You were not to blame for his illness or attitude or decisions, esp the ultimate one. You have suffered enough! To put yourself through even more is not fair to you. If he really loved you as you say, he now knows how wrong and even cruel it was for him to do this - suicide is a selfish act - but worse, to try and place blame on your for his problems and decisions. People are ultimately responsible for their own actions. Finally, keep in mind he is not suffering any more; why then should you? If he realy loved you, would he want that? Of course not; that's not what love is about at all.

Be fair to yourself. I'm not saying you can totally forget or stop being sad about it, but it doesn't have to dominate or hinder your life from being full again. I have no doubt you can find someone who will love you and treat you well, the way you deserve. And there are a lot of jerks who might do otherwise - avoid them like the plague. Don't settle for less! Best to you!

#9 Kenn

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Posted 29 January 2012 - 09:43 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss. It was not fair of him to blame you for his own mental illness. We all have pasts that we wish we could change in some way or other, but they happened and we have to accept that. We can't go back, all we can do is learn from our mistakes and make better choices in the future because of what we have learned from mistakes of the past. The load that you are carrying reminds me of my load I carry over guilt because I didn't save my daughter from the pain she went through during her life. I can look back and see so many things, starting when she was only a small child. I would change lots of things if I could, but I can't. Work and the cares of this world were such a major part of my life that I didn't give enough of myself to my children. Children should never have a reason to question whether or not they are loved. If I could go back Hannah would have been given so many hugs and kisses from her dad that she would have never felt unloved. I wish I could go back and make that a reality, but I can't. Hannah has died, and no amount of wishing can ever allow me to go back and do things differently. Even though I see so many things that I would do different, I know that any mistakes I made were made in ignorance. I realize how stupid I was, ignorant I was, foolish I was, and I forgive myself for not being God and doing everything right. When you don't know everything you are bound to make some mistakes. Knowing that you failed because you didn't know some things doesn't take the pain away, but that knowledge should allow you to forgive yourself. We both have to do that. We all have to do that. Everyone makes mistakes, and you and I are no different. Your boyfriend was mentally ill and the things he said wasn't fair to you. I'm not even trying to slam him, because I don't believe he could help what he was feeling. He needed help and sometimes we blame ourselves for not being able to save our loved ones from themselves. My daughter also suffered deep mental depression, and I have struggled with guilt for not being able to help her through it. I have a heavy load that could just destroy me if I didn't put things in perspective. The truth is that I did all I could, but this was something I couldn't fix. I pray for you that you realize you didn't cause what happened to your boyfriend. You do deserve to be loved. Never share your past personal experiences with your future loves, because the past is past and some things should be left there. You are the person you are now, and if I am right about you, you are a much better person because of the things you have learned. Forgive yourself for any mistakes you may think you have made in the past, love yourself for who you are, and allow yourself to be loved.






I recently lost the love of my life. My boyfriend of a year and a half committed suicide. I had long known that he was depressed, before he even met me he had attempted suicide. After he did that he sought counseling, but he said it never helped. At the beginning of our relationship, everything was great, we were happy, and we fell in love. After a few months he started to become very jealous. I was his first serious girlfriend, and I had been in a few long relationships. He had low self esteem about his inability to perform sexually sometimes and would compare himself to other guys. He would often call me names, lash out at me, and claim that he never would get over my past or forgive me. He said that he still loved me, no matter what but on the night before he shot himself we had been arguing on the phone. He was calling me stupid for a past intimate relation and would talk to down to where I would have feelings of being unworthy, dirty, and never good enough. He then threatened that because he could never get over what I had done before I met him that he was going to kill himself, and I didn't believe him. I am seeking a psychologist, but I feel no matter what for the rest of my life I will feel that all of this guilt is put upon me. He told me all the time that it would be my fault when he was dead. I loved him so much, and I know he loved me too. It is still so so soooooo hard to imagine him lifeless. I miss his smile, his laugh, the nights we would spend together just talking and holding eachother. I feel anger and most of all I feel like I could have prevented all of this. His death has made me question a lot of what I believed in, I woke up one morning and my life had completely changed forever. I'm afraid I'll never find someone who will love me as much as he did, or that I will love. I feel lost and alone, but I just want some understanding..





#10 Ada

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Posted 28 January 2012 - 11:22 AM

Hi Amy,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It seems that you were very much in love with your boyfriend. The void he has left behind will be one that will take time to heal. But I also think that you are not responsible for his death. Please don't let that thought plague you. Sometimes it's hard to understand what he was going through especially if he was suffering through depression. Each person is different but when you are sick your strength is less and even his reasonings may become tarnished. Like in the way he would berate you and remind you of your past relationships. It was maybe his way of blaming you for his deficiencies and insecurities. Some don't really understand the pain that can come from simple words. Proverbs 12:18 says, "There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing." Whatever the case is, it is best to remember him for his best qualities, as I'm sure you are since he is now sleeping in death. I have found great comfort in God's written word. Romans 15:4 says: "All the things that were written were written for our instruction, that through our endurance and through the comfort from the Scriptures we might have hope." Knowing the truth about God's purposes Amy will help us to have a genuine hope for the future to see our loved ones again and be a cause for true comfort. Keep talking to us and coming here. We would love to hear more from you and how you are doing.

Kind Regards,
Ada

#11 ModKonnie

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Posted 17 January 2012 - 05:02 PM

I recently lost the love of my life. My boyfriend of a year and a half committed suicide. I had long known that he was depressed, before he even met me he had attempted suicide. After he did that he sought counseling, but he said it never helped. At the beginning of our relationship, everything was great, we were happy, and we fell in love. After a few months he started to become very jealous. I was his first serious girlfriend, and I had been in a few long relationships. He had low self esteem about his inability to perform sexually sometimes and would compare himself to other guys. He would often call me names, lash out at me, and claim that he never would get over my past or forgive me. He said that he still loved me, no matter what but on the night before he shot himself we had been arguing on the phone. He was calling me stupid for a past intimate relation and would talk to down to where I would have feelings of being unworthy, dirty, and never good enough. He then threatened that because he could never get over what I had done before I met him that he was going to kill himself, and I didn't believe him. I am seeking a psychologist, but I feel no matter what for the rest of my life I will feel that all of this guilt is put upon me. He told me all the time that it would be my fault when he was dead. I loved him so much, and I know he loved me too. It is still so so soooooo hard to imagine him lifeless. I miss his smile, his laugh, the nights we would spend together just talking and holding eachother. I feel anger and most of all I feel like I could have prevented all of this. His death has made me question a lot of what I believed in, I woke up one morning and my life had completely changed forever. I'm afraid I'll never find someone who will love me as much as he did, or that I will love. I feel lost and alone, but I just want some understanding..

Amy,
I am very sorry about the loss of your boyfriend. Loss is tough enough, but suicide certainly complicates things. That being said, many loved ones left behind from loss, including suicide, feel guilt. It's a normal emotion. However, you in no way shape or form are responsible for your boyfriend's suicide. You had nothing to do with it; you had no control over it. Your boyfriend's words and actions toward you sound very controlling; he may have indeed loved you very much, but his threats and unkind words were damaging and unhealthy to both you and him. Healthy relationships build, support and encourage. Your boyfriend's tearing you down was definitely not your fault, nor should you accept responsibility for it. What happened in your past was in the past and had nothing to do with him. His action to take his life was a result of a problem he had; you didn't cause it nor are you at fault for it. I hope you can believe this.
I know you love him. It will be hard to move forward, but little by little, inch by inch, you will begin to be able to sleep a little better, or smile occassionally.
Please try to continue to talk to people, share about your loss, write about your feelings and talk about your guilt in the situation. Your anger is perfectly okay, too, and you probably feel alot of it.
I am glad you are here. We will be here for you,
ModKonnie

#12 amy43

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Posted 14 January 2012 - 04:05 PM

I recently lost the love of my life. My boyfriend of a year and a half committed suicide. I had long known that he was depressed, before he even met me he had attempted suicide. After he did that he sought counseling, but he said it never helped. At the beginning of our relationship, everything was great, we were happy, and we fell in love. After a few months he started to become very jealous. I was his first serious girlfriend, and I had been in a few long relationships. He had low self esteem about his inability to perform sexually sometimes and would compare himself to other guys. He would often call me names, lash out at me, and claim that he never would get over my past or forgive me. He said that he still loved me, no matter what but on the night before he shot himself we had been arguing on the phone. He was calling me stupid for a past intimate relation and would talk to down to where I would have feelings of being unworthy, dirty, and never good enough. He then threatened that because he could never get over what I had done before I met him that he was going to kill himself, and I didn't believe him. I am seeking a psychologist, but I feel no matter what for the rest of my life I will feel that all of this guilt is put upon me. He told me all the time that it would be my fault when he was dead. I loved him so much, and I know he loved me too. It is still so so soooooo hard to imagine him lifeless. I miss his smile, his laugh, the nights we would spend together just talking and holding eachother. I feel anger and most of all I feel like I could have prevented all of this. His death has made me question a lot of what I believed in, I woke up one morning and my life had completely changed forever. I'm afraid I'll never find someone who will love me as much as he did, or that I will love. I feel lost and alone, but I just want some understanding..




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