my mother died when i was 5

[jaden]

my mother died of leukemia when i was 5 years old. i am now 42, and have worked hard in therapy, diagnosed with PTSD, BPD, and anxiety disorder. it took me years to get to the point i am at now, that it was my mother's death and family's abandonment after that has caused me severe issues trusting and letting people in. when she died, my 3 older sisters immediately moved out with my grandmother, and my dad, career military, married my mother's nurse 6 months after the funeral, then immediately returned overseas. i was left alone with an abusive stepmother.my mother was not spoken of, there were no pictures, and my family decided i was too young to be affected, so i was not allowed to go to the funeral, and any questions i asked i was accused of being dramatic or starting trouble. it was about 7 years old when the gravity of my mother's death hit me, and of course i had no way to grieve, and i was not allowed to anyway. i was eventually kicked out of the house at 15 for being gay, which was the ultimate proof to me i would always be abandoned by anyone i was stupid enough to let in. now, all these years later, my parents and my older sisters have become close, and i am not a part of any family. i know i have to allow myself to grieve the mother i lost, and to make a sort of peace with it, but honestly, i have no idea where to start. my therapist reminds me every day i can not run to people to provide comfort and make me feel worthy of love that my family never showed me, but how do i grieve and let in the pain from those events alone, without support?

[reader]

Dear Jaden,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and all the pain you are going through. I hope your therapist is able to suggest more resources. I don't know if there is a church or local support group that could assist you. Please take care and I hope you are able to find more resources that will support and help in your healing. Since my father's passing I have tried to look for some online support groups. Everyone has offered many kind and supportive words. Thinking of you.