I feel like ending up my life.

[NotYetOldEnough]

I am 24 years old and have been suffering from life problems since last 14 years. 14 years back in 2002 my father had a major heart attack and had a bypass surgery. Since then he had been sick and weak due to post surgery issues. Me, mom and my elder brother had been taking care of him continously but our life was confined with our house and we all got so attached to each other that we never felt much need of any outsider. But my father always had some or there kind of health issues regularly and frequent rushes to hospitals. 

In 2014 my brother suddenly fell ill and had renal failure after which my mom gave him kidney and saved his life.

We were still trying to come out this trauma and our father's deteriorating condition that my father had another attack and he got barely saved by CPR given by my brother and me. He was almost gone. Barely an year after that my father had same kind of attack and he passed away in June 2016.

In September 2016, my mom got diagnosed with last stage gall bladder cancer and doctors told us that she has only few months to live.

My relation with my mom is extremely close. We talk to each other for hours even when I am out she would frequently call me and we would talk about anything for hours. In every difficulty of life she would provide me her hand. Till this day we sleep together holding each other's hand.

She was in hospital last month for 30 days and I would sit beside her whole night holding her hand consoling her that she would be fine one day and praying to God. Now she is on intravenous fluids from last several days and I don't know how much time she has. She has been the strongest piller of my life and our house.

I am sitting beside her typing this with tears in my eyes. She is so weak and barely talks or moves. I take her to washroom as she is unable to move at all. I have never seen her so weak and tired in my entire life. She doesn't know about her disease but has an intuition that she doesn't have much time and so she always keeps on advising me whenever she talks , how to live life without her.

But I am so overwhelmed with this grief of losing my father and now fear of losing my mother that I don't want to continue my life. I am short of words in expressing the bond I share with her.

Then I feel like being a selfish by doing so and leaving my brother and his wife all alone in this world. 

[Dotdot]

I'm so sorry. I lost my mom 6 days ago and it was my worst fear all my life. I remember going to camp as a kid and crying incase she would die before I got home. My first thought when she passed was that I should just down all her pills and end everything. So I know the emptiness and desperation you feel.

 

What stopped me is that my mom would never want me to do that. She worried about me and wanted the best for me all her life. So out of respect to her I will try to carry on and while I'm in bed and a complete wreck right now I hope someday I'll enjoy life again and make her proud. So if you stay alive for mom that might give you a better reason than not wanting to leave your brother and his wife?  I wish you well at this difficult time.