The story of losing my dad

[Oscar]

Hi everyone,

so first off, I want to say that my story is probably very unrelatable for most people and will probably not help you at all sadly. Yet my story is relatively postive eventhough there is a lot of false hope and sadness in it. 

ps: I am going into details so it might not be so interesting but it is very long, sorry ;).

So I am 17 years old and I lost my dad April 2016. It has been longer than most people on this forum I found. 

So the story of my dad: Before my dad died he was sick for about a year. He was diagnosed with cancer and had to choose to operate and have a 1 in 5 chance of surviving or do nothing and maybe have around a year or so to live. If he would only think for himself he would take the year and make the best of it since he really didn't like laying in a hospital a lot.  But for my mother, brother and me he would not let the chance of fully recovering slip. So he went into the operation, had to do another operation very soon after because something wasn't totally right. But after that he slowly started recovering. If there were no complications he would be out in around 15 days. So after 10 days when my dad could start getting back to his normal abilities me and my mom thought that it would all be fine. Yet my dad knew his bad luck with these kind of things so told us to wait for those 15 days before we start celebrating. And guess what, he was right. In the last few days stuff started getting worse, so they had to give him a lot of painkilling medicin like morphine. But it just kept getting worse in like 2-3 days. The pain was so bad they put him on ketamine and he flipped out and thought the staff was trying to kill him so they had to tie them down, well there is my experience with ketamine. (fun side note:a lot of teenagers smoke weed in the Netherlands, but one 'friend' starting using hard stuff, like ketamine so I never talk to him again). So at that point it just looked very dark and hopeless and I just felt he wasn't going to make it very long and I just cried for hours at his hospital bed while he was still awake. The next few days he kept getting worse but he went into a coma. At this point I am pretty much just living on adrenaline/auto-pilot and in the hospital 24/7. The doctors said he would not make it if they didn't operate, so he got an operation. They didn't know if it went well, they just had to find out in the comming days. So for around a week he was in a coma and they were saying he could still die in like an hour. So the three of us spent a lot of time in the hospital and it is not a good memory. around 2 weeks he was still in a coma but it wasn't critical, so he would probably live if everything went allright. After that he slowly started waking up, started with small stuff and later he could just talk to us again. He wasn't totally himself, the process probably also had a big hit on him mentally since he didn't like the hospital stuff at all. But he was recovering, very very very slowly which was a very depressing process for my dad. But finally he got home. Slow process of starting to walk and eat again. But because of something in his belly he couldn't process food. So he could probably never eat again, a very sad thought for my dad, because if he knew all this that he wouldn't get back to normal and had to go through all that stuff he would never have operated. So we thought stuff would get better, but then it didn't. Recovery started slowing down to a stop, even going back. So we hoped so badly that it wasn't what we thought it was. But after a few scans, my father had to bring the news that the cancer has spread and that he will not make it. We cried together and my dad was really struggling with the thought of having to leave us without him. So stuff kept getting worse, a terrible cough which turns into puking every night 4-5 times. I felt great great pity for him. So since we knew he didn't have long we thought it was a good idea to go on a little holiday to our family (2 drive from our home). Little did we know this is probably the worst week I remember in my entire life, outside the week where my dad could die any minute of course. So my dad couldn't walk anymore he mostly just laid in bed coughing/puking all day. Not the best holiday and even sitting became harder. It was okay to be with family again but the thought of him dieing still clouded the days. The last day we were packing to go back, but he couldn't even sit at all. We tried helping him into the car but there was just no way. Seeing that, confused and vulnerable father really is a thought that creeps me out every time. So he had to be taken home with an ambulance and there he was put into bed. At this point he was just too busy with his condition it didn't really feel as my dad. In the night stuff just got even worse, he was going to die that day. So a lot of doctors came and family to look at him for the last time and something with medication that would make him more comfortable. And we sat with him listening to his last breath and crying and crying and crying (sorry have to wipe some tears away here while writing). So after that, cremation stuff, etc etc. We went through I think thousants of photos looking for good photos for on the cremation. My father had chosen music a long time ago just before the first operation. The photos showing with the music broke me, I never cried this hard and it was really hard to expose myself so vulnerable to my friends and family. I have an amazing family so they were very good for my brother mom and me. 

So yeah pretty sad story, but now the story of my year around this. So this started in the summer holidays and well, my school started. I had to miss a lot of lessons and never even thought of doing homework. So In periods where my dad was critical I wouldn't even go or think about school and in periods where everything was looking fine i did go to school but did nothing. So when I heard my dad wasn't going to make it I just gave up school because I knew there was no way. This all isn't that big of a deal since i can just retry my year no problem, only that my friends will go onto the next year. So that's the school part, now the worse part, how i dealt with it. So I was having a lot of trouble with myself. I was feeling sad and very angry most of the time and would just try to fill in every empty second with distraciton, mostly games/movies/series etc. That was quite allright but the problem came in the evening. When you want to fall asleep you just close your eyes right and wait to fall insleep. For most people that happens in like a few minutes but for me that takes around 15-30 minutes, and in those minutes thoughts just start rushing into my head and in that time, oh no those were not happy thoughts. So i always made sure I was tired enough to fall asleep instantly which meant I was up very late most days. Which made me very very tired every day for many weeks. This was not healthy but slowly the thoughts started to get a little less crazy. But still I was feeling very very sad and I work different than other people. Talking about my issue did not work well sometimes. I never told my mom i was doing terrible. I had thought of suicide. At that time i was really close to it actually. It didn't even have that much to do with my dad but just seeing no future, no hope nothing good it's just dark. Months later I do think i wasn't that super close to suicide, but still if some stuff would have went different I might not have been able to write this. So yeah pretty shitty year but it started to get better the further away it was.

By the way, I am not a positive person at all, most people will call me negative. I prefer to call my self realistic. Instead of 'everything will be okay' I would say 'stuff probably gets better, I mean it's pretty sh*t right now, couldn't be much worse'

So the negative part about what followed after my dad died. So I had to re-do my year, I knew this for a long time so i could deal with is. I would probably have 0 friends and I would just study alone. My dad really was helping me a lot with homework and he knew how I work. He knew exactly what to do when to help me. Everyone always says I look and act a lot like my dad, and I am proud of that. But, I am living with my mom. My brother is studying and has a room there since this year. He comes home in the weekends. So yeah my mom is not much like me. I mean she is still my mother don't worry, but it's more like im like my dad and my brother is like my mom. We don't always get around very well. I didn't do the tiny chores because i didnt feel well and so my mom had to do everything. My mom is a very strong woman tho, my dad might have seem like not the perfect person for an outsider, but like my everything, the perfect dad for me because well, we aren't like everyone. My mom is more that person that people could really admire. So it doesn't always go well around the house. And this year the pressure on passing this year is huge. I know my dad would love if I got my diploma and I would love it too. I am not sure if I can get out of the depression of failing my year, so it is not really an option. I am not very good like with ladies, so getting a girlfriend is pretty though for me but im working on it. I am also waiting for someone where I can watch the photos with music from the cremation with. Ye that will probably break me so im pretty scared about that.

So now a little more positive. So the new year has started for some time and I actually have some friends I knew from a while back and from last year. And I made new friends which I am really pleased about. This school year wont be so bad afterall. I am trying to get along with my mother. It is going fine. I am not a big talker so she doesn't like have fun with me, but i mean we get along. I feel a lot better, I still have a lot of days/times where I just remember a lot or just feel crap but more days I just feel good and happy that there are good things in my life and I might just have a bright future. 

Now for a little complicated topic I know a lot of people can relate to, my mom started dating. This I am still not 100% sure about what to think about. First of, my dad is unreplaceable i will never have a new dad and she knows this. Second of all, I want my mom to be happy. So my mom asked me if it was okay if she went on a few dates with a guy. I said it was okay. My mom has a boyfriend now and im totally fine with that, im actually happy for her because I know she really loves it. So I did say that I dont want to see him. I am not sure if I can see them together you know, Im scared it will look like my fathers replacement and I will not like it. So for now I dont want to see him and we usually just work around when im gone he can come etc. 

Everyone has a different way to deal with loss. Most of the people benefit from talking to other people. But I am an example where that didn't really do much for myself, it did with some people tho but still. Test out stuff, try talking with friends/family, try talking with experts, try do stuff that makes you feel better. In the end, everyone has his/her own way.

So yeah thats about all I have to say, I might add something later if I forgot something.

Sorry for the unnecesarry long post which probably didn't do much more than waste your time  Thanks for reading 

Oscar 

[cindyjane]

Hugs Oscar ... I am so sorry for your loss and all that your dad and family went through.  I thank you for sharing here because a lot of what you shared I can relate to and it helps to know that others out there go through some of the same stuff.

Sorry also that you are having a tough time dealing with your mom is dating someone, I can only imagine that would be tough for you.  We all deal with the loss of a loved one differently and maybe this is what is getting your mom through things.  We don't really know what is in another person's mind ... all we can do is love each other through these life storms.  It sounds like you are doing better.  In regard to watching the photos with music from the cremation ... a few days prior to my dad passing on (2 years ago) he and I were at a friend's retirement party and there was a band playing.  My dad asked me for a dance and someone in the crowd video taped that dance.  I still haven't been able to sit down and watch that "last dance" but I am grateful that I have it and will one day sit down and watch.  These kinds of things happen in their time and for me...today isn't that time.  I will know when I am ready so for now will continue to draw on the good memories of having my dad here.  

Take care and continue to look after YOU.  Be the best person that you can be in honouring your dad.  Thanks again for sharing with us.

Cindy Jane