Idk.

[GriefRidden]

Honestly I think I just need to ramble. It's late and I can't sleep. Idk about any of you, but since losing my mom there are just things that I can't control. I have nightmares more frequently now. I have weird things that I find myself doing, like trying to memorize every aspect of a person's face because I don't know if that'll be the last time I see it. I find myself having severe separation anxiety when it comes to my husband. If I see something of hers, no matter the mood I was in previously, I just feel a sense of dread and longing. I'm trying so hard to understand why/how this could've happened. It's not like I didn't attempt to prepare myself, she knew it was coming. I just.. no amount of preparation would've helped make this any easier. I wouldn't wish this feeling upon my worst enemy. It's like I'm sinking. Like I'm trying my hardest to swim up from this abyss, but any time I get close to seeing the tiniest bit of light I just get sucked down. I'm suffocating in my own grief and I can't do anything to stop it. I just want my best friend back. I'd do anything to just have her back.