I really need your love & support guys because of father's death

[raychiefruit_9]

Hi- 11 years, 10 months, 2 days, 1 hour, 44 minutes, and 15 seconds ago was the day my father passed away. I never really discussed this or looked for support. My family wasn't quite there for me when I needed them. When my daddy passed away from pancreatic cancer (I was only 7) things just rapidly changed. I want to say for the worse but I'm just so used to trying to always remain positive. But my mom just started drinking heavily and my whole family just got torn apart. I miss him so bad and I just have such bad anxiety and feel so unhappy and lost. My love for him is infinite and I want to let his soul rest. But not having him here physically is quite hard. I feel his presence sometimes though and just know he is with me always. He was such a beautiful soul and I know he loved me very much. He still protects me and keeps me out of trouble. If he wasn't then wow I would be in some crazy places doing crazy things. I'm just 19 but will always be his little baby. I'll just always be his daughter.  I feel suicidal a lot and have a lot of imagery in my mind of doing it so I can be with him. It really takes over my mind. The fact he has passed and that my family doesn't love me anymore really tears me into pieces. They don't communicate with me and when I need them they aren't there and just don't like me. I've been bullied when I was a younger girl and all these things just hurt me till' this day. I'm just so motivated to do what my dad would want for me to do and what is right. i tend to feel insecure sometimes but know I am a beautiful woman. I just am lost. Your support is appreciated.  Not really used to comfort or support so I don't know how it will make me feel! 

[seachelle]

This is devastating and I'm so sorry you are going through this at such a young age!  If your family cannot provide emotional support, what kind of support network are you relying on right now?  If you don't have one, I'd reach out to a crisis line and see if they can help you access counseling that can keep you afloat until you are able to find a less emotionally toxic environment.

Other things to consider...the quality of your friends and significant others.  Are they able to support you or are they toxic.  Based on some points you make about substance abuse in your family, and your feelings of grief, you may be predisposed to substance abuse.  I think it's really imperative that seek out a find a support network that you can see in person, if no one in your life is able to be supportive right now.

You are right to think that your dad would not want you suffering.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  We are always here for you, but I encourage you seek local, in person support groups or counseling to help you through this tough time.

Best,

Chelle