Father seeing my mothers best friend

[Steve M]

Hi, I'm not sure what to make of this or why i feel this way. My mother died about 15 months ago (suddenly), and for many months now my father has been visiting her best friend. They are spending more and more time together and my father has said he would not be against a romantic relationship with her should it come to pass. They are in their 70s.

I am struggling with this, but at the same time feel guilty for even thinking it. My dad is a good man and deserves happiness, but part of me thinks why her best friend?? I think if it was anyone else i would accept it much easier, but seeing her best friend slowly replace my mother is very hard for me. She even turns up for "family" dinners and my children's birthdays and I can't help but resent it. She's a nice person and I'm sure she means well, but she's not my mother or my children's grandmother and I don't like her taking over my mothers role.

 

I just feel...frustrated. I was telling my wife the other day that my father has not once asked how i am since my mother died. I just wish someone would talk to me about it, i miss my mother deeply. I feel embarrassed sometimes feeling this way because i'm a grown man in my 30s.

[cindyjane]

Hugs Steve.....I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.  I can see how the situation would be difficult for you.  I am thinking that there is one very important thing that your father and this lady have in common.  Your mother!  No doubt they are both missing your mother very much and that would be a common bond for them.  Obviously this can sometimes lead to unexpected feelings and who knows where else.  Let them sort it all out ... their feelings and wherever this leads them.  And don't feel embarrassed in missing your mom ... believe me, we all do and always will.  I hope this helps.

 

Cindy Jane

[oneal1228]

this is such a deep topic.  it touches your very soul, as you feel as if your mom is being forgotten.

[NewMorning]

Steve--No need to feel embarrassed for grieving the loss of your mother!!  I would be more inclined to think there was something wrong with you had you NOT felt grief and loss.  BTW---you could be 90 years and STILL miss your mother!  There's no age limit! 

As for your father seeing your mom's best friend, I'm sure it has much to do with his own loneliness over the loss of his wife and though I can truly understand how you're feeling, do you think this woman is really trying to replace your mother in all of your lives or do you think she's just trying to fit in if she's feeling uncomfortable over the situation? 

No matter what the motive, I think you are a good son realizing that your father deserves happiness ---it takes a strong and kind person to admit that after losing a parent.  It's very difficult, but nothing that you can't come to terms with in time.  

It's only been a little over 5 months since I lost my own dear Mother, and though there are a plenty of things that I am so angry with my Dad over, I still need to be there for him cuz he's my father and I love him.  However, it takes a lot to forgive how he acted when my Saint of a Mother was dying of cancer.  I cry nearly every day still and try so hard to block it out or else I'm not able to function---and I'm In my mid fifties! 

I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you and your family healing.

NewMorning

[Marivdb]

It's hard to watch as they move on.....especially if we aren't there yet.  My dad moved on very quickly after my mom passed....she passed at Christmas this past year, he remarried on this Mother's Day. While I agree he deserves to be happy, I am still actively grieving my mom....and we kids had no warning that he had moved on...three weeks before the wedding he announced that they had fallen in love and were getting married on Mother's Day.  It was out of the blue because up to that point the two of them had been telling everyone that they couldn't stand one another.......she had been my mom's caregiver for the past three years.  

Resentment is a natural response..... I'm trying not to feel it. My father's new wife is my age. She's my sister's best friend. I've not been spoken to since before the wedding, and it's breaking my heart.  I feel like I have lost both my parents.  The focus has shifted to her niece and her children and away from his own grandchildren entirely.....he didn't even send a card for any of my children's birthdays this year in spite of being invited to the youngest ones birthday party. 

Pit isn't easy. I would work at maintaining your relationship with your father, but I wouldn't criticize his choice....that was my mistake. I simply asked him to move the date off of Mother's Day......that brought on a rage I never saw coming....followed by this silent treatment.  They're going to do what they want to do.....

I'm sorry he's not seeing that you're still grieving your loss......we get it.

Marianne