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Moms loss with no end


Withoutcloser28

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Withoutcloser28

So it's been almost 18mons.. My was truly amazingly smart and funny. No one understood me like her. It was until 7 years ago that she started getting depressed and started drinking pretty  heavily and she would have spaces of time it wouldn't be so bad, but she was leaving damages along the and my dad was doing his best to help her. Fast forward we lose my nana, her mom to advanced  leukemia ( in less then 10 weeks from  diagnosis ) then my mom goes off the rails really becoming  reclusive and drinking all the time. Really cause problems with my dad which they were married 27 years when she passed. But even through me getting married, having two kids she could find the energy to fight to get healthy. While having my second baby she calls to tell me she's going to rehab so she can be in our lives all the time. So she only met my second son twice before her demons got the best of her. He was 3 and half months old when I got the call. The last thing I said to her was I was getting sick and tired of being so worried about her all the time and that I'll never stop loving her but that talking to her while she is drunk I just can't handle, she said she understood that she loved us and she was sorry, I said I love you momma let my older son say hi and then we hung up. For all the things I wish I could've said I'm still really sad she's not here. I'm happy she's not struggling anymore but I would never wish this hurt on anyone, and I miss her everyday. 

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I'm really sorry for your loss, Withoutcloser. I understand everything that you're going through. I lost my mom 14 months ago on 3/13/15 from a massive stroke. She was 86. Everyday I think about the what ifs, could've's and should've's. I still feel guilty that I couldn't do more when she had the stroke. Even though I know there's nothing more that I could have done...I still feel guilty. I've been with mom through thick and thin. I've been her main caretaker all these years. It was very challenging for me because I'm handicapped, but, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Even as I'm typing this, tears are rolling down my face. I have mom's picture next to the computer. I have another picture of mom in my room where mom and I always shared. Now, the room is so empty and alone. A few months ago I would hear very light taps on the window, the wall next to the closet or my radio/clock. It always happens when i'm going to bed. Tap...pause...tap...pause... I think it's my mom because I've had several signs from her already. I haven't heard anything anymore. But, I know she's with us. I miss her so much.

I'm glad you found this site. There are a lot of us who post often mainly on the Lost a Parent thread. We are very understanding and will hear you out. We're here for you.

Hugs

May

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