so it happened last night

[autumn.morning]

I found out this morning that he shot himself last night. 

My dad. 

My sister had just talked to him a few days ago and already had her plane ticket to go visit him in just a couple of days. I have only seen him in person twice. 

I wish I had called him more. I wish he had called me more. I wish he didn't drink. 

I love him but I'm so frustrated he did this. I know he was hurting. I've been hurting too. Depression seems to run in the family. 

Maybe he lost one too many jobs. 

It feels like a theft. All of those dreams and wishes we had of patching our relationship and being like a normal family. Introducing him to my boyfriend, seeing me graduate college, someday going to my wedding...trashed. 

I had only just begun getting help at a crisis center. I have felt desperate like that before. 

I just didn't think my dad would leave me like this. Again. And so permanently. 

He didn't plan anything--no note. Not even a call goodbye. 

Just enough alcohol to get him to go to his room and shut the door and not come back out again. 

 

[ModKonnie]

I am so very sorry about the loss of your father.

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

[Hurt]

How are you feeling now? I lost my mother 26 hours ago. The pain, incredible. 

[autumn.morning]

I have been playing video games and sleeping. A few days after he was gone...there was a voicemail on his phone offering him a job...and then a second one about a company rehiring everyone who was laid off..

He gave up..and if he had just waited a few more days...he would have had a job paying 26 dollars an hour. He could have pulled himself back out of debt...things should have been different. 

 

 

 

I'm sorry about your mother. It hurts.