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Why Didnt She Tell Me? Before She Died


Randeelee

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 Im so glad I found this forum. My mom passed 2 months ago 3/8/16, the day before my 49th birthday.I was asked 4 yrs ago to leave basically my life in ajoining town to move in and take care of my mom. Of course I told her and my brother. I thought this was a perfect way to try and repay and repair our relationship. My mom and I always had a strained relationship. I was pretty rebellious and treated my mom horribly growing up. We grew so close I pampered her and took excellent care of her. She told me as well as alot of people that if it werent for me she wouldve had to give up her house and live in a old folks home..

She went to the ER in late February of this yr for a cough. which could be a big deal due to her emphysema. They gave her contrast for a x-ray of some kind which put her into kidney failure. Not recovering from that the hospital sent her home on Tues March 7th at 5 pm saying there was nothing more they cold do.Hospice came to the house a hour after she was home. They explained to us what theyd be doing for her and us over the next few weeks. My mother passed away peacefully 8 hrs after the hospice nurse left. My brother and I were with her, we were reminescing>sp?, talking and laughing about our mom and the great things we shared with her. then she was gone... just like that, just gone....

My brother being the oldest, was the executor of her estate. When her will was read, I was shocked and full of feelings of betrayal. a year before I moved in to care for her she had her will drawn up and she had disowned me!!! I was to be considered dead!! Im still in disbelief.Why didnt she change that? or tell me it said that? How am I suppose to feel or process this? please help me....

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Randeelee, welcome to the forum and I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds as though you and your mum became close in those last few years despite whatever differences you both had. Maybe your mum just never thought about her will and didn't think to change it. I'm sure your mother loved and appreciated all that you did for her by looking after her. Sorry I don't have much advice , but just know your not alone. Join us on the daily thread at the top of the forum, most of us post there. It's a great bunch of people and we are all supportive of each other without judgment. 

Hugs 

Lisa 

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I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the shock of the will. Having a complicated relationship with my own parents, I can understand a little bit of what you must be feeling. This is very much like something my parents would have done. In fact, when I was in college, they did disown me once.  They eventually forgave me, but the pain is hard to move past, and now that she is gone, the opportunity to discuss it with her is gone. Like Lisa said, it most likely was an oversight on her part when you moved in to care for her...she was ill and wasn't able to think through everything clearly.... But if not, I'm truly sorry for the pain......

My biggest concern for you is what does this mean for your housing and job situation? Is your brother kicking you out of the house as well?

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Lottie_Lulu

I wonder if there are some other possibilities. When you say you were to be 'dead' do you mean you just weren't mentioned in the will? Sometimes it's possible that:

1) As you hadn't got the relationship then that you did when she died she may have felt she wanted to give more to your brother because she had a closer relationship to him. Parents often have quite a screwy way of dividing up their estate that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

2) Did she leave money to the others because she felt you didn't need the money? I was talking to someone the other day who had been left nothing despite being the 'good' child and the drunk sibling was left everything, the reasoning behind it was the money went to the person who needed it the most. Perhaps she felt you wouldn't have used the money wisely? (I'm just going on the comment you made about being rebellious).

3) Did she maybe not think she needed to change the will? Or just think she wasn't going to die? My Dad was convinced he wasn't going to die and refused to change any of the paperwork that needed doing.

I was my Dad's carer from the age of 13 through to 40 when he died, and my brother moved away to another country as soon as Dad was ill and needed a carer. Because of this I missed lots of school and never became the person I could have been because I was dealing with him, my brother lives in a massive house with a great job having had the freedom to go to university. I had none of that. However since my Dad died 6 weeks ago I found out in the will he left my brother and I the same amount of money, and it's not very much. It's more of a token gift and it's not an inheritance. It would be so easy for me to get angry about it, but I know I would be making assumptions on his decision making when I don't know what happened. I also discovered he was mentally ill during his life which was never picked up on so it's also possible he felt what he was doing was the right thing to do. 

Is it possible for you to ask your brother if the will can be contested?

As a final note, and I really feel how angry and disappointed this must make you which is why I wanted to reply, there is something to be said for being there and having that relationship with a parent at the end. My dad was impossible to get on with but I felt at the end, when I was spoon-feeding him and sorting out his toilet, that no matter what I had done that, and made a little bit of good out of a lifetime of him being a bad father. I think the key thing is: can I change the situation, if not can I change my reaction to it. I would talk to your brother about it and say that it's made you feel like you weren't appreciated. 

x

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