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Dealing With My Mom's Passing


ash0117

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I lost my mom on 4/19/2016. Last summer, she got very sick with septic shock and was on a ventilator. She made it through that and got better. In December, I moved away for a new job. She took a turn for the worse in February, but once again recuperated. At the beginning of April, her COPD caused her to have trouble expelling Carbon Dioxide from her body, leading her to confusion, dizziness, and stroke like symptoms. She got better and was discharged from the hospital. Three days later, she was readmitted for the same thing. After being in for a week, they discharged her again. This time, they sent her home with hospice. They told us she would get better, that hospice was being called simply so she could receive services (help with care, relief for my dad and sister). I called my dad the night she got out of the hospital and asked if I should come home. He said no, she was getting better. Two days later, she was gone. The night before she passed, she was up eating dinner and watching TV. When my dad left for work at 5 am the morning she died, she was sleeping peacefully. When my sister woke up at 9 am, she wasn't breathing. 

I am 26 years old, my sister is 24. Our lives are just beginning. Neither of us are married or have kids. Our relationship with our dad has been... rocky for years. Our mom always said it was the three of us against the world. I never imagined losing her so soon. 

Her funeral was two weeks ago. Since then, I can't seem to move forward at all. All I can think about is everything she will miss and how much I miss her. She'll never see me get married or have babies. I can't call her 5 times a day like I used to. I can't cry to her or get her advice. I'll never get another hug from her. It feels like I can't breathe. 

I traveled for work last weekend and was able to keep my mind off of it, mostly. But now it's starting to feel real... I think it finally hit me when I got back home that she's not just in the hospital this time. She's gone. I'll never see her again or talk to her again or hold her again. And I haven't been able to cope. I can't go to the office (i've been working from home), I haven't left my house in four days, and I can barely pull myself out of bed to shower. 

The worst part is that I always promised my mom that I would not make my sister live with my dad. She has disabilities and cannot live alone. I promised my mom I would always take care of her. But my sister wanted to go with my dad. Not me. And I'm struggling so much with guilt and sadness and anger. 

She was my best friend. My everything. I don't know how to go on without her. I don't know how to live without her. She didn't prepare me for this. I still need her. How do I survive this? 

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Ash, sorry for your loss, it's one of the hardest things we face in life. What you are feeling is normal and really all we can do is get through one day at a time. I know how hard it is, how soul destroying it is and how much it hurts. Nothing prepares us for how bad it feels but we feel it together here on this forum. This has been a lifeline for me as I'm not married, I'm single ,no kids and am now looking after my schizophrenic brother. I understand your concern for your sister, I promised my mum I'd take care of my brother, as our father doesn't care one bit. There are no easy answer but know your not alone.

Hugs Lisa 

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cindyjane

Hugs Ash0117, I am so sorry for your loss.  Like Lisa K says, what you are feeling IS normal and we get through it one day at a time.  We all deal with our grieving in different ways ... different things work for different people and I can only share what got me through the loss of my parents and what still gets me through those rough periods.  

Prior to losing my parents (both of them in less than a year), I believed in God and started really leaning on Him through the heartache, loneliness and tears.  I reached out and asked HIM for some kind of comfort that I needed so badly.  Although I believed in God, I never felt connected so I started reading the bible and my relationship with HIM grew.  I read about the promises that HE made to us and one that really helped me get through it all was this ....

This God–his way is perfect;the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. Psalm 18:30

I also came to learn that we will be reunited with our loved ones some day ... when it is our turn to be taken "home."  In learning that I work hard every day to be the kind of person that HE wants me and today when I think about my parents I may shed some tears in missing them so much, but I also feel warm inside when I see the blessings in having them for parents.  

In regard to looking after your sister, I am sure that is she was willing to live with you that you absolutely would have that BUT the fact that she chooses to live with your dad is out of your control.  You can still take care of her in seeing her often, taking her on outings, visiting her and loving her.  

Take care and know that you aren't alone in your feelings.  

Cindy Jane

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Hi Ash017, I'm so sorry, it's M-day I'm looking at a picture of her myself. My mom died the end of Jan. I have yet to have a peaceful night of sleep, but I've been too busy to deal with the loss. Obviously, at night I'm miserable there is no right or wrong way to deal with this.

My mom was sick for 14 years a few percents less every year until now. You're lucky you could call her 5x a day at least you have that. Try to have a memory box or something like that and keep a few pics on the computer o phone so you can see her.

Try to think of her when she was not sick, try to think of the good times you had not the loss. Try to find a group, (which I want to do badly)... Hope you'l feel better soon. David

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