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When will it end.


Theologirl

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I lost my mom back in late September. She was my whole world. And without her I feel like I have no purpose. I lay awake most nights feeling alone even though I'm right next to someone. I just want to know when the pain will stop. I miss sleeping and feeling like a real person. Right now I feel like everything is muted and dull. I feel selfish for not appreciating life and letting each day pass.  My mom felt like my only family. She and my father adopted me before I was born. And I feel like we were meant to be together. She's the only person in my life who hasn't hurt or left me. And without her the world feels pointless. I feel like I go through life screaming at the top of my lungs in pain but no one can hear me. And it doesn't feel like it's ever going to stop. I meet people who have lost a parent but I find myself saying "but you don't have it as bad as me.... You're not in 20s.... You have a sister or brother  ... You have a father... You don't have to take care of everything alone... " I hate that I have these thoughts and the person I'm becoming. I don't even recognize myself anymore. 

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Actually I understand i feel the same way.  I feel like telling people you don't understand you still have your spouse and or children. I have no one.  My mom was my whole life.  I also dont know how to keep to keep going and feel like my life has lost meaning 

 

 

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silverkitties

I feel for both of you.  It could easily suck if you're over 50 and you feel like more than half your life is over.--knowing that there is absolutely no hope for you either professionally or romantically.  That it's helluva harder to find good, permanent work that is not menial. It's helluva harder to find a romantic interest.: all the decent ones are married, and if not, want someone "hot"--particularly when they're ambitious.  When you realize that more and more middle-aged adults are committing suicide, you wonder, why even bother? Why not just join the club? 

I do envy people married with children--provided that the marriage is mostly happy and the children are OK: at least they are not all alone. At least they can see their parents in some aspect of their children. At least they can say to themselves, "I see mom's tenacity and intelligence in little Sarah." Or "I see mom's nose in Joshua."  In both cases, there's a connection so that the parent is not altogether "dead." And not least, they can share some love and laughter with their spouses so that not every day is bleak. 

Btw, I'm not denying that there can be problems. After all, one hears many stories about spouses who don't understand grieving. And if the relationship is already a bad one, bereavement can make it all the worse: I've seen it here and elsewhere. 

Now, I myself am not all alone since I have a very difficult father. There have been many, many times i've wished him dead. And yet, even here and there, sometimes I tell myself at least I'm not completely alone even though I am going batshit crazy trying to cook and clean, do his finances and mine and finish my own work on top of it all--in addition to his general assholery (see my other posts). I do tell myself what would it have been like if I had lost him and then my mother? I might feel even more crushed even though being with him is more often than not being with a vegetable. He doesn't ever respond to me when I want to talk about mom. He can't share recollections. What use is company? 

It's why I come here to write about my mom even though it's been nearly a year and 7 months. There are good days and bad--and for the most part, I'm relieved that I don't have as many crushingly bad days like last year when everything brought back a pang.  Today happens to be a bad one where I'm missing every aspect of her. Her intelligence, wit, and laughter. Her smiling face. Her voice. I think about all the times when she was away, either in town or across the Pacific....all the great times she'd tell me, "I'm leaving for home now." It always made me happy, whether I was 25 or 50. I miss seeing her arrive home. I miss seeing her in the train terminal when she came to pick me up. I miss sharing meals and desserts with her. I miss watching videos with her on youtube--and movies on screen. Even hopeless days felt a little better after a chat. 

And now all that is gone, except a memory. God do I miss her so.  

 

 

 

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I feel the same way, only it's just starting to hit me how alone I feel. I lost my dad on Halloween. At first, I was trying to be strong for my mom and brother so that they could fall apart. But nearly six months later and I feel like I don't have someone to talk to the way I would talk to him. My mom has all his friends, along with her friends, family, and brothers in law. My brother has people who have stepped in to be a father figure but I feel like no one has really tried to step in for me. People have offered and I appreciate it, but it's not the same. And I feel like if I tell people how I'm feeling they won't listen, so why bother? I know I have my mom, my brother, and my extended family, but their not my dad. He was everything to me, he understood me better than anyone else, and I'm trying to get my life back together but I can't. 

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I feel the same too, i'm an only child and my Dad was my best friend. I'm 28 and I know of only 1 person my age who's lost a parent. Not that it hurts less but I imagine hers is a different pain as her parent was ill before and they could say goodbye. My dad died suddenly in the street and I wasn't there and I don't know if he was in pain.

You will survive, i'm telling myself this too. As there's no other choice. To not survive could waste everything our parents sacrificed for us, to keep us alive and where we are at now. I've resigned myself to the fact that it's going to be hard for a long time. I don't know if this is the right thing to do.

You're not selfish, you're doing your best and noone can ask for more than that.

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