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Can't get past my guilt


Failure

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My mom had been given 6 to 8 months on March 24th she was battling cervical cancer for almost 3 years she was getting weaker but she didn't want to die. I moved her in with me because that's what she wanted she wanted to be around positive people and her only grand daughter she loved. I couldn't get her to eat but she was almost all there mentally she was 51 they took her off treatment once it spread to her liver I moved her in 3 weeks ago she was taking her pain meds every 4 hours that day I did my usual I woke up at 4 am and I was super tired baby kept me up i gave her her meds and told her I love her like every other time I stepped out of her room then went back to bed I awoke to my dog barking at 7:40 and her door was shut her her door is never shut I opened it and saw my mom breathing deep I said mom no answer I called 911 and they walked me through the steps to do compressions I tried it couldn't I couldn't save her I lost her and I blame myself every time I get flash backs. I ask myself why did I go back to bed why didn't I stay.

I could've saved her had I known how to do compressions. She was too heavy I was scared of her head hitting the floor those couple of minutes but finally got an idea to put a pillow on the ground had i gotten that idea sooner she would probably still be with me. Why didn't I ask my husband to check on her. Every way I see it I see it being my fault she passed I could have saved her but I failed and she's gone now because I was too tired i should have woken up earlier. 

It hurts so bad knowing I could have saved her.

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Failure, I really don't want to call you that. I'm sorry for your loss but please dont beat yourself up.you sound like you did as much as you could for your mum. We all have regrets and wish we could've done more. I looked after my mum for nine months knowing I couldn't save her from the inevitable. She had lung cancer that had spread to her liver,spine,pancreas and brain. Nothing is more heartbreaking than watching our mum die. Please don't blame yourself, it makes grieving so much harder. 

Hugs 

Lisa 

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