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How do I cope?


K

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My mom passed away suddenly on September 8. 2015, she died in her sleep and I am carrying around so much guilt. I am consistently asking myself why didn't you just go in her room and check on her when you got home. Why? On all nights did I just go straight to my room and go to bed. What if she was scared or needed me and I wasn't there because I was too busy out with friends. My mom was my rock I miss her so much, and being the only child I fee like I am so alone. I come from a big family but e aren't close at all  I planned my moms services all by myself I begged my aunt that lived with us to go but she refused. Said she had other things to do that day. Idk if that's her way of dealing or what. I didn't have the heart to ask my father to go with me because he was also very sick and months before losing my mother we found out he had only a year or less to live. Fast forward to 11/15/15 I lost my father, I couldn't believe it my parents just like that I had no mother or father. Again I planned the services by myself while everyone just showed up/. I have 2 wonderful friends who try and be there for me but it hurts to be around them, I cry when i see them making plans with their mom or joking around with their dad. The things I use to do with my parents. I know this is going to sound selfish but i am only 24 I still needed them. At first I kept myslef busy at work I only took the day my mom died and the day of the service off the same with dad. And it seemed to be working but now I am having crying spells throughout the day I cry on my way to work in the bathroom at work and on the drive home I cry every night before I go to bed, my family just tells me to get over it that it's part of life. I understand it's part of life but I can't just get over my parents not being here. Losing them has changed me and all the things I once wanted before losing my parents I was looking forward to getting married now the thought of wedding dress shopping without my mom or me walking down ththe isle without my dad brings me to tears. My mom was the type of person that always knew exactly what to say for any situation she loved everyone and was a listening ear to anyone I just wish I had more people like her around me 

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K,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your parents. So, is your Aunt there for you? Losing both parents so close together has to have rocked your world. No wonder you are so lost. Have you considered talking with a professional? He/She may be able to guide you as to how to move forward.

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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MissionBlue

Hello K, grieving is different for everyone, but we all are seeking how to cope with the loss of the persons who mattered most to us.  There are no quick fixes.  Grief can't be ignored, because it will only get worse.  We have to go through it and experience all the pain and tears it causes.  In the olden days, people grieved better, because they were expected to openly show their grief by ripping their clothes and pouring ashes on themselves.  They wore black clothes and armbands and placed black wreaths on the door.  Modern culture is so youth oriented that death is swept under the rug and mostly considered as entertainment in movies or a theme in goth culture.  I think one of the best coping mechanisms is to seek out people who understand how you feel, as you did by posting to this forum, and write freely about how you feel.  I have written volumes about how I feel on this forum and others and also to online friends who have lost both their parents.  Only people who were really close to their parents understand how we feel. 

I am an only child, too, who lost both my parents within two months of each other in late 2014.  I have two half brothers but I am the only child of my father.  One good thing about being an only child is that you don't have the heartache of dealing with greedy siblings who quarrel over your parents' estate.  But the down side is the utter loneliness.  After eight months I couldn't take the loneliness anymore and so I let my gardener move in with me.  I wouldn't recommend this to everyone, but it is working out for me.  We quarrel sometimes, but we are both happier together than apart.  Thanks to my partner I am sleeping better, I can now watch tv without becoming anxious and sad.  I went almost eight months without turning on the tv, because it was too sad to watch movies without my father.   It's terrible that the things that used to give me joy, like watching old movies and listening to vintage music that my father also liked, still fills me with painful nostalgia at times.   I still miss my father every single day but time has helped the memories to be less painful than before.  Yesterday I was dozing on the couch and my partner said I was laughing in my sleep!  I think this is a good sign, but it took thirteen months to get here.  I probably was talking to my dad in a dream.

I am so sorry that your parents won't see you marry or have children.  It is devastating when a parent dies young.  Grief is not easy at any age, but time is on your side.  You could meet the love of your life and have children who give you more joy than you ever thought possible.  You might be able to attract people to you who are like your mother.  Life is full of possibilities.  I wish you comfort and healing.

 

 

 

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